5/2/11 – Monday, Monday…
Did you know that you are only supposed to put on so much IcyHot in one day? I didn’t either! As Todd and I were riding to church on Sunday I was putting on my 2nd slathering of the day. Yup, not even 9:30 and I had already put on IcyHot twice. Todd turned to me and said “How many times do you put that stuff on?” I said “I dunno, maybe 12 times yesterday.” I then looked on the bottle and saw that I was not to exceed 4 times. 4 times! Yikes. Can you over dose on IcyHot?! I have since cut back to the required 4 times. I Shea Bamberg have a problem and am addicted to IcyHot. Is there an IcyHot anonymous?
Today I woke up and did not feel fabulous. My throat hurt and I had a killer headache. I crawled out of bed because it was Monday of close week. Once I got ready to work I discovered that I couldn’t log on through VPN. What? It’s close week. Close week! I can’t not work. I have to work. I had to go in to work. How frustrating. I packed up all my stuff and headed in to work.
So I worked from work. I was tired and my back was sore, but I made it through the day. I did not care for today, I constantly felt behind. I don’t like it when things don’t go smoothly and of course once I got home my VPN still didn’t work. Annoying. As soon as I got home guess what I did? Put on IcyHot!
Dad is in town because he’s taking me to chemo tomorrow. I’m not going to lie, for the first time I’m scared. I’m not scared that something will happen to me. Maybe scared isn’t the right word. Maybe anxious is better. I’m anxious because I still don’t feel 100%. I haven’t been able to have an “up” week and I know what I’m about to do isn’t going to be easy. How hard is it going to be? I still can’t breathe deeply without a slight pain and by my constant use of IcyHot I’m obviously still sore not to mention bad headaches. What will I be doing adding chemo to my body on top of that? What am I thinking? I’m thinking “I can do this!” That’s what generally runs through my mind whenever I start to get anxious. This time I answer myself back and say “Really?! I just don’t know.” I’m imagining extreme fatigue and body pain. If that is the worst of what I have to endure then maybe just maybe I’ll make it out on top.
I think what bothers me the most is the unknown. I just don’t know. I like control. I’ve come to understand how I’m going to feel and what days are going to be harder for me during chemo week. This throws a wrench in my system. I don’t know if I’m going to feel bad from the beginning or gradually get worse like normal. I don’t know if I might run a fever. How bad am I going to hurt? I think that is the big one. I’m tired of hurting (I’m kinda a wimp). I want to know that I’m not going to be in any more pain.
That voice in my head is right. I can do this. I have to. I really enjoyed going to church yesterday. We sang one of my favorite songs. It says “I lift my hands to believe again, You are my refuge You are my strength, as I pour out my heart these things I remember, You are faithful God forever.” I really love this song. It’s that reason that I can do this – God is my strength. So, yes, I can do this.
If I could have anything to eat I would like a molten lava cake. Yum! I’m drinking coffee instead. My song of the day is “I Lift My Hands” by Chris Tomlin. Strength.
Night y’all!
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