Reflections

5/31/11 – Hello again.  Like I mentioned I’m trying to catch up on my blogging.

I watched Eat, Pray, Love the other day.  I thought it was a good movie.  I liked how they said that you should take time to just relax, really relax.  Do nothing.  Take a time out.  Everything seems to be so busy.  People are busy.  We don’t make time for ourselves.  No wonder we are all so stressed out. 

When we went to Bambergland the guys were watching the ladies softball SEC championship.  A game was constantly on the television.  I watched Ashley bake the red velvet cake, talked to Mrs. Janet about what color she should paint her kitchen, and sat with Todd and watched a little of the game.  That was it.  There were no more cakes to bake and no more colors to stew over.  I couldn’t watch softball anymore.  I had to get away.

Mr. Berle and Mrs. Janet had just put up a new swing.  I love to swing.  I took Buster and Percy outside to run around and parked myself on the swing.  I rocked back and forth, back and forth.  It was relaxing.  I could have sat on that swing for hours.  I tried to clear my mind and think about nothing.  Relax and enjoy just being. 

As I melted into nature I realized I love warm weather before it gets too humid.  I love pecan trees and watching people drive down a country road.  I love the flowers and the green grass.  I love the breeze the most.  The breeze IS the south.  It’s slow and long.  It smells like gardenias.  The breeze wraps you like a hug from a good friend.  It fills you and makes you content to be just where you are and nowhere else.  Good moment.

I was roused from my self-reflection by a “Shea! Lunch is ready!”  That’s just how they do in Bambergland.  A little loud, but not a bad way to be pulled out of contemplation. 

A few of you have wondered what I am reading.  I love to read.  I am strictly a fiction reader – tell me lies.  I love murder mystery type books.  I used to read so much that Todd had to ask me to stop reading as much at home because I wasn’t spending any time with him – duly noted.  I’m all about quality time so I tried to slow down when he’s home.  Lately I am reading:

-          The Janet Eveanovich Numbers Series.  I love these books. I’m currently on book 13 – Lean Mean Thirteen.   You know how most people have a “get out of jail free pass” with some Hollywood celebrity.  What is sad is that my person is a fictional character – I heart Ranger.  Sad, just sad.

-          The Shop.  I downloaded this on my Kindle for $.99.  Right now I like it though it started really weird.

-          Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  When you think about it what do really know about heaven?  Are you looking forward to leaving everything here and going there?  There are many people that think heaven will be boring (just singing)  and would rather just hang out here.  That is simply because we don’t have all the facts.  Heaven is something that is rarely written about.  It is something that we should look forward to and the book shows that.

-          Something Borrowed. I saw the movie and decided I should read the book.  I also joined a book club that is reading the book.  I’m not into it yet.  Just not feeling it after the first chapter.

-          I also have a Cosmopolitan that Todd bought me.  I will never look like Cameron Diaz.  I’m not sure why I continue to read this magazine.

Yeah, I’m a little over ambitious. 

Reading has always been something I’ve enjoyed.  As a little girl I would read Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys and curl up in a chair and read the entire day.  Reading was always a way I could escape.  It was something that drew me in and no matter what I had going on school, parents, or my stealthy little sister I could get a break.  I could be a detective working to solve a mystery. 

As I got older I got more into the scarier books – Goosebumps and Fear Street.  I also discovered my love for period pieces.  I love Jane Austen and Emily Bronte.  A weird combo but one that has endured.  I don’t read too many horror books now days but I do love a mystery and continue to adore Pride & Prejudice.  I like to compare myself to Elizabeth Bennet.

Since I’ve already posted a blog today I’m not listing a food for the moment.  If I was forced I might choose a donut.  Not song either.  Tired.

Later!

Red Velvet Overdose

5/31/11 – Blog, blog, blog, blog.  I am determined to catch up on all the blogging I lost this past weekend.

Friday night we headed to Alabama and Bambergland.  Todd’s sister is getting married on the 25^th and I haven’t been able to do too much wedding shopping with her.  We headed over there to do a little shopping and just hang out and talk about the wedding. 

Friday night we actually got there in time to have dinner together.  We had my favorite – pizza.  I had already resolved myself to have a good weekend and not worry about watching what I ate. 

Ashley is the best baker of red velvet cake around.  She makes it from scratch and adds extra vanilla like I love.  I sat at the island and watched as she baked.  I have zero desire to make a red velvet cake.  It probably wouldn’t turn out as awesome as Ashley’s so I just let her do it for me.  (She has no desire to learn how to make my hashbrown casserole and I have no desire to learn how to make her red velvet.  We would just prefer the other to make it for us.)

Let me just say that I am relatively certain that I set a world record for eating red velvet cake.  Shea Bamberg can eat 3/4ths of a red velvet cake in a 72 hour period!  Amazing!  I watched Jerseylicious while I was at Mrs. Janet’s because we don’t have Style network anymore – sad face.  As I was catching up on my show one of the episodes had to do with them trying to set a Guinness world record for hair cutting.  I think I set a Guinness world record for eating red velvet cake.  It was a driving force for me.  I will challenge anyone to a red velvet cake eating contest.

I ate and ate and ate cake.  I actually found my large fork that I think is supposed to be used for roast and brought that along to eat cake.  I pulled out the big guns.  No one was going to out red velvet me.  I am serious about my red velvet cake eating.  I ate cake the night that it was made.  I ate cake before breakfast the next morning – why doesn’t breakfast have appetizers?  I ate cake for lunch.  I ate cake for breakfast the following day and then added it to my lunch.  Once I was finished (yes, I had a little help from others but I was the contributing factor) there was only one slice of cake left.  It wasn’t worth bringing with me when we headed home.  I left it for Jason to finish off.

Cake!  Aaaahhh!  I ate so much cake it made my stomach hurt.  But, it was worth every sugary bite.  Best cake ever.

I mentioned that our main reason for going to Bambergland was wedding shopping.  We headed to Birmingham once Ashley got off work Saturday.  Mrs. Janet is redoing her kitchen so we had to pick out tile, sink, and paint.  Todd must get his indecisiveness from his mom.  We went to the tile isle first and she looked and looked and talked to herself and looked some more.  I started to fear that we would have to camp out in the isle.  Ashley and I took matters into our own hands.  We found some tile we liked and talked Mrs. Janet into it.  Mrs. Janet had to talk to the lady loading the tiles about the amount and ask lots of questions.  Once she confirmed we were getting the right amount the lady started to load the tile.  She picked those boxes up like they were nothing.  I then picked out the grout.  As I went to pick up the box of grout I grabbed it and then the grout and my hands went separate ways.  That stuff is heavy!   How was that lady lifting those tiles so easily?  She must be very strong.  Note to self: Do not underestimate the old lady working in the tile section at the Home Depot by the Galleria.  She could easily kick my butt. 

After picking out tile and grout (and accumulating 3 shopping carts – 3!), we headed over to the paint section.  We had already picked out the paint colors – thank goodness! – we liked so she ordered the paint and we moved on to kitchen sinks.  Kitchen sinks were pretty easy since there were only so many to choose from.  I want a new kitchen sink so I did a little day dreaming.  She got a very pretty composite granite sink.  We headed back to the paint area and picked up our paint.  After a short discussion about the paint color we headed to the checkout.  What?!  She thinks she sees more tile.  Oh, no!  We are already in line with our 3 carts.  We look like a Home Depot conga line and the stuff isn’t easy to move.  So close, yet so far away.  Ashley and I had told her it was laminate tiles but she has to make sure.  Ashley scooted over to the isle and confirmed that it was indeed laminate tile – thank goodness!  We are free!  Out of Home Depot and on to things that don’t involve serious decision making. 

We then went to Hobby Lobby to get floating candles and cake pans.  We walked around Hobby Lobby and talked about the wedding but didn’t need to get too much for the wedding.  After all the shopping we were hungry.  I hadn’t been to Outback in a long time so we went there and got a bloomin’ onion.  It was yummy.  We just hung out and had a good time before heading home.  It was a fun weekend.

If I could have anything to eat I would like some peanut butter and celery.  That is what I’m about to eat right now.  My song of the day is “What I did for Love” by the Glee cast.

http://grooveshark.com/s/What+I+Did+For+Love/3ro9X6?src=5

Night y’all!

Tale of the tortured tiara

5/30/11 – I know it has been a while since I have blogged.  I was busy the last few days of last week and then we went out of town and I didn’t bring my laptop.  There are lots of things to catch up on.

Last week Todd and I started our mad dash to getting the man room finished and the house prepped for carpet.  I can’t believe that we are going to have new carpet in only a few days.  New carpet has been a dream of mine since we moved into the house 6 years ago.  You know how you dream about something for so long that when it actually comes true you can’t believe it?  Well that is where I am.  I am afraid that at the last minute something will go horribly wrong and I will be deprived my new beautiful carpet.  I am so excited.

Todd has been putting the finishing touches on his man room.  It is basically ready for carpet and will then be finished.  The man room is another thing that Todd and I have talked about for years.  When we moved into the house Todd was excited to build a “man cave”.  The house needed other upgrades so the man room was always put on the back burner, but has always been a twinkle in Todd’s eye.  I’m just glad that he’s finally going to be able to get what he wants and have it all set up properly. 

Todd and I have already signed a binding verbal contract that I am allowed to watch Glee in the man room with all the big speakers.  It is going to be epic.  I wanted to make sure I included this crucial piece in my blog so that all of you would know of our contract in case Todd breaches the contract and I have to sue him.  All of you are my witnesses.  I realize you did not actually hear Todd promise me this, but I think we should be close enough by now that you would just take my word for it. 

So, in order to prepare for the new carpet we are cleaning out all our furniture and painting base boards.  Sounds simple enough.  Trust me, it’s torture.  I cleaned out my pajama drawer, my unmentionables (LOL), my shorts and t-shirt drawers, my jewelry, and my night stand.  It is amazing all the junk I accumulate.  Todd has decided that I’m a hoarder but I think that assessment is a little harsh.  There are some things that I’m just not ready to let go of yet.  I keep cards from family, used birthday bags and have an unheard of amount of jewelry and shoes, not to mention my tiara collection.  Cleaning things out was hard.

I don’t really have a tiara collection.  I think 2 is just a tiara option, but not collection.  I decided to trash my New Years tiara but keep the one from when I had my surgery.  I placed all my jewelry and hair accessories in a box to go to the garage while the carpet is going in.  I included my tiara in this box.  Everything else that I didn’t need I trashed.  I then had only 1 tiara. 

You might imagine what happened next…  When I came home from how Friday I walked in the door and then let Buster and Percy out.  I went into the bedroom to access how good the boys were and get comfortable.   What did I find on the floor?  My TIARA!!!  I’m pretty sure I screamed that to myself.  The box with all my stuff was on the floor and Percy and Buster were able to easily reach my tiara.  I blame Percy, he was jealous that I had a crown and he didn’t.  I could feel the tears coming.  I was seriously about to cry because he ate my tiara.

This tiara meant more to me than just a hair accessory.  I got the tiara on the day that I had my surgery.  My friends brought them to the hospital and we all laughed and tired to forget what had just happened and wore our tiaras.  That tiara had been with me from the beginning.  It was special.  It was now trash scattered on my bedroom floor.  Tears seemed appropriate. 

If I could have anything to eat I would love some ice cream.  My song of the day is “The Show Goes On” by Lupe Fiasco.  (Sara, if you’re reading this, this is the song I was telling you about at the game tonight!)

http://grooveshark.com/s/The+Show+Goes+On/3gshHP?src=5

Night y’all!

A mystical tanning experience

5/25/11 – I hope all of you had a good Wednesday.

Two random things that you might not know about me:

-          I love Victorian movies and books.  I read Pride and Prejudice at least once a year. 

-          I got my first spray tan today.

Yep, you read that right.  I got my first spray tan today.  I love to have a tan.  There is something about it that makes me feel so much more secure in my clothes.  All my sister and I would do during the summer growing up was lay out.  Day in day out we would tan.  We didn’t care what sunscreen we wore, if any at all.  We would have a competition to see who could out tan who.  No one really ever won because we turn different shades – Erin would just get dark and I would turn a golden color. 

Isn’t it funny that people think you look healthier when you have a tan but in reality there is nothing all that healthy about it?  Random. 

I swore tanning beds off a few years ago.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand.  You get a tan quickly and it is relaxing.  I fell asleep in the tanning bed many a time.  I was the committed tanner.  I would get the tingler tanning lotion.  When I stepped out of the room I looked like someone had beaten me with a large phone book.  I remember Todd asking me one time “What happened to you?!” to which I replied “Nothing, just tanning.”  I was bright red and I felt like pins and needles.  It eventually wore off and the red turned to tan, but it was slightly painful in the moment.  Didn’t stop me.

So, what made me stop – vanity, of another sort.  I was freaked out what my face would look like after years and years of tanning.  Wrinkles were creeping in.  I didn’t want to wind up looking like leather.  I also had some friends and family members who had to have skin cancer removed.  Enough motivation for me to swear off the tanning bed.

Todd’s sister’s wedding is coming up soon and I don’t want to be the only one without a tan.  I had nightmares of being the only one on the stage without a tan.  Then that word would creep in – pale.  Pale.  I cannot be called pale one more time.  It’s like a slap in the face, might as well have red hair and freckles too.  It’s bad enough I have to slather on kids 50 SPF, but don’t call me pale.

I was worried that I would “pull a Ross” – like on Friends when Ross went to spray tan and accidentally spray tanned on the front part of his body twice.  He forgot to turn!  He wound up looking like a cantaloupe.  Would I fall prey to the same mistake?  Would I forget to turn?  Am I a “Ross”?  I actually asked the guy at the tanning salon about my chances of screwing this up.  I was worried. 

I am happy to report that I did not “pull a Ross”.  The spray tan was easy.  It didn’t streak or smell.  The tan looks pretty good too, not orange.  I am not ashamed to confess than I am vain.  I require a tan.  I am happy to report that I have done it without making a hypocrite out of myself and am quite pleased with my results. (I think next time I’ll get the dark!)

If I could have anything to eat I would like potato chips!  That would be awesome.  My song of the day is “Break” by Three Days Grace.  Side note: This song has no relation to my day.  I just have it stuck in my head.  I like to scream “break!” along with them.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Break/3NjQbt?src=5

Going to watch some Glee! Holla!

Road Rage and Day Dreaming

5/24/11 – Dear Dude in the White GMC Sonoma,

     Get out of my way or learn to drive the speed limit.

     Love,

     Shea

This morning I was stuck behind a white GMC Sonoma.  I don’t understand people who drive under the speed limit.  School is almost out so I’m certain that the school zone speed limit shouldn’t apply.  Logical, right?  I also had an epiphany as I was slugging along behind the white GMC – people who drive slow are the reason that others drive too fast.  I base this reasoning on the fact that would be “regular” drivers get stuck behind these people and get so behind that they/we are forced to speed up once we are able to get past the slow pokes.  Blows your mind doesn’t it?

I have learned that I’m not a very good poet.  I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m too analytical.  Accounting and poetry don’t mix.  I did write one that I thought was more on the fun side that doesn’t seem too bad.  I hope you’re ready.  This is Shea Bamberg original.

                “Simple Life”

                Shoes, smiles, and sunlight

                Food, family, friends

                Simple things make me happy

                Simple things make me laugh

                Funny faces and flowers

                Movies for two and make overs

                Simple things make me smile

                Simple things make my day worthwhile

                Believe me I know, life can be complicated, treasure the simple things.

It’s a work in process, but I think it has potential.  My other poems were written during my chemo week and deal more with what I go through.  I need to tweak them a bit before they are ready to be shared.  Who knows, they may just be for me - another form of self therapy.

Todd and I are frantically getting our house ready for new carpet.  I CANNOT wait!  We still have the original carpet that came with the house 10 years ago.  It was in a sad state when Todd and I moved in, but has deteriorated over time and dog potty training.  Have you ever noticed that your house has to get messy before it gets clean?  It’s a process.  Cleaning out closets, moving furniture, painting trim – painting trim! There are few things in the world that I dislike more than painting trim.  Everything has to be done this week because next week I will be worthless. 

So, my nights are consumed with cleaning and sorting.  That seems to be all I do.  Clean and sort, clean and sort.  Blah, blah, blah.  I know once the carpet is in and the room is complete it will all be worth it.  Todd’s worked hard to finish the room. 

Random observation: Why do guys get “man caves”?  What do women get?  Todd says that the rest of the house is mine.  I think that’s illogical.  How is the rest of the house mine?  So what if I decorated it. So what if I picked out the art, colors, and furniture.  I don’t think that means that it’s all mine.  I mean, if it were mine I would have shelves of shoes displayed around the house, tons of china (oh wait I already do), and lots and lots of pillows – women love pillows.  I wouldn’t have a 50” flat screen I can tell you that much.  I also wouldn’t have huge speakers.  I would have flowers (real ones) all over the place.  I would also have a plush rug and candles that smell like fresh cotton or lavender.  I would probably turn one of the guest bedrooms into my personal wardrobe – yeah!  I could turn the bedroom into this huge closet for all my clothes, purses, and shoes.  I would have a wall of mirror just to make sure I did not make a fashion faux pas – famed mirror of course.  I would have a station for jewelry and another one for makeup.  I would also need a huge fan to make sure my outfit looked good in any weather.  Oh! And a perfume and lotion section too!  Now that would be awesome.  If the house were truly mine that is what I would do. 

Man caves are overrated.   The male argument is unfounded.  Women need their own space too.   I want a closet of my own!  A girl can dream.  A certain song come to mind – “dream the impossible dream…”

All in all today has been a good day.  If I could have anything to eat I would like one of those new strawberry lemonade things from McDonalds.  They just sound yummy and I love lemonade.  My song of the day is something I heard on the radio as I was headed home and loved as soon as I heard it – “Keep Your Head Up” by Andy Grammer.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Keep+Your+Head+Up/3n8duH?src=5

Night y’all!

Animal Insanity!

5/23/11 – My animals are all against me.

I swear all of my animals intentionally sit around and think of ways to annoy me.  I’m not sure why they do it.  They live a cushy life, but they are bent on driving me nuts daily.  What is so crazy is that they have the ability to make me feel that I am somehow abusing them as they are annoying me.  In the moment I am beyond frustrated but as soon as I look that way with my eyes narrowed they give me “the look”.  All of a sudden I feel horrible.  They are angels.  What’s wrong with me?  Why do I fall victim to their charms so easily?  I think I read too much into their facial expressions. 

Buster is the boxer who perpetually looks sad or high, depending on the pollen count.  He constantly looks like he has been mistreated.  As soon as I yell his name he puts on his sad face and makes me feel horrible for yelling.  Percy, oh Percy, he is adorable and has this cute Yorkie face that always looks back at you saying “I’m adorable!”  No matter what he does (and believe me he does a lot to be so little) he looks at me and I melt.  I’m a sucker.  Stella is a typical cat.  She makes me nervous, like she will pounce on me at any moment and make me regret getting on to her.  I can’t compete with all those looks.  It’s too much.

Regardless of the faces I get, they drive me nuts in the morning.  Percy must have ADHD.  He wakes up at the crack of dawn and starts running around the house.  He is like a windup toy that is cranked too tight.  He runs laps around the bedroom crashing into the bed as he tries desperately to make those extra 8” that he lacks (like he could make it anyway).  He’s persistent, gotta give him that.  He keeps doing it over and over and over.  Bam! Hit the bed.  Bam! Hit the bed.  He just keeps comin’.  He would make a great X-Games dog.  He then starts chasing Stella around the house growling as he goes.  Percy! 

Buster is more methodical in his annoying behavior.  Buster is a firm believer in sleeping in – a dog after my own heart.  Just when I’m starting to appreciate Buster and think that he is the only animal who really cares about me he starts his old man noise.  I call it the old man noise since he has those floppy jaws and sounds like he’s a 100 and is having trouble chewing his food.  Smack, smack, smack.  Lick, lick, lick.  Dude!  Stop!  How can an animal possibly be that loud?  After a while Percy’s persistence finally drags Buster out of bed.  Buster can’t just hang out in the house.  He has to stand on my side of the bed and stare at me.  His eyes are bed level.  It is creepy waking up knowing something is staring at you, especially when that thing isn’t blinking. 

After I am finally fed up with the dogs and scoot them outside to do their business Stella creeps in to claim her spot.  Stella generally doesn’t annoy me other than throwing her tail in my face on occasion.  Why do cats do that?  To show you that they’re the boss?  Stella is a licker like Buster.  I realize that cats are cleaning themselves when they lick (unlike Buster spreading the slobber), but does she really have to do that in front of me?  I am fairly certain that I go in the bathroom to shower, why does she feel that she should shower in front of me?  I don’t want to see or hear that.  With Buster I just yell his name and he stops his noise making, but Stella?  Not gonna fly.  I yell her name and she just stares at me and resumes the cleaning ritual.  Who’s the boss?  Apparently not me.

Animals!  I live in a house with a bunch of animals, and not the cute cuddly kind but the kind that drive you crazy.  But, I love ‘em!

Today I’m feeling better than yesterday but not fully better.  Tomorrow I hope to be back to my normal good week.  If I could have anything to eat I would love a watermelon!  Watermelon signifies summer and I am ready for summer.  My song of the day is for my awesome, supportive husband who I would definitely go insane during all this without - “Teenage Dream” from the Glee soundtrack. 

http://grooveshark.com/#/search?q=glee%2C%20teenage%20dream

Night y’all!

Finger nail polish makes me happy

5/21/11 – Finally Saturday. 

Saturday’s don’t hold as much promise as they used to.  Saturday’s are just another day of the chemo week for me.  Not a bad day, but not as relaxing as they used to be. 

My chemo effects have definitely lasted longer this time.  It is Saturday and I’m still feeling gross.  It’s easy to get discouraged, but I have to remember I only have to do this 4 more times.  See, the problem with that is that I have to do it 4 more times.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  It’s hard.  Catch 22.  I just have to power through. 

Best not to focus on the negative, yesterday I had a breakthrough.  I decided to drink some Dr. Pepper to make me feel better.  Sugar!  Sugar is the key to happiness.  Ice cream, cake, Coke, cookies all make you feel better because they all have sugar in them.  I added a little ice to my drink just out of curiosity.  The chemo makes me cold sensitive and if I drink or touch something cold it makes my lips, hands, throat tingle.  The cold sensitivity in my throat can be painful because it can feel like drinking shards of glass.  I’m not sure why I decided to take this risk, but I did.  Insanity maybe?   The ice felt numb on my lips but I was fine with the drinking part.  This got me to thinking.  I might, just might be able to handle a smoothie.  My throat gets really scratchy on Thursdays and has spilled over into Fridays too.  There is nothing I can do to make it go away so the smoothie felt fabulous, plus it tasted yummy.  The smoothie made my day.

I painted my nails and toe nails yesterday.  I’m not sure what it is about painting your nails but it always makes me feel prettier.  I think there must be something magical in the colors and knowing that you look pretty and have had a little fun.

 You know when your nails aren’t done you feel kinda frumpy?  Like there could be so much more.  You stare at your nails and think – “How did it get to this?”  “Is this what I’ve become?  Gross nail girl?”  There is a whole world or nail colors out there just waiting for you.  As soon as you remove that old left on color (don’t act like you don’t leave your old color on, we all do) the grossness and boredom of the day starts to melt away.  Somehow our wellbeing is tied directly to this left on gross nail polish – insecurity, weakness, lack of control, poor self perception all improve as soon as the old polish is removed.  Once the old polish is off we file our nails to the perfect shape because we all let our nails get out of control.  Who has time to shape and file on a regular basis?  Quite often my nails resemble talons more than nails. My own crude weapon.   Other times each nail has its own distinct length – the result of multiple broken nails.  At one time in our lives we have all sported this look - not classy.  As soon as the base coat goes on we are saved.  Our nails no longer look like some crude weapon.  We finally have some control, some class.  We immediately feel prettier. 

My nails are magenta and my toes are a steel color.  The magenta appeals to my fun side and the steel color relates to my sometimes gloomy side.  Which am I? Nails? Toe Nails?  It all depends on the time of day.  Right now I’m magenta with a hint of steel.  I like to look at people’s nail colors.  You can tell a lot about a person from their nail color.

Well, today I’m sitting at home relaxing watching movies.  I still have the shopping bug.  I’m definitely not going shopping today but I would like to be able to. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like some fruit.  Pineapple maybe or a watermelon.  My song of the day is “The End” by The Doors.  I guess the world is supposed to end at 6:00 Pacific and not Eastern. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/The+End/21LN0R?src=5

Night y’all!

A closer look at my port

Ready to have my port deaccessed!

5/19/11 – Thursday once again. 

Thursdays are tough.  It’s something about opening my eyes on Thursdays that just screams “better to skip this day all together”.  I woke up at 6:30 with the alarm and had to do some quick calculation.  It was 6:30, my ride was going to be at the house at 12:30, did I have enough time to take another Ativan and get some more relief before tackling the day?  The answer was “yes”, yes I did have enough time.  The Ativan knocked me out and made me feel much better.  I don’t even remember Todd leaving for work.  I was so tired.

I rolled out of bed at 11:00, ate a little breakfast, and got ready for my appointment.  I tried to eat a good meal and dress cute since I felt gross.  I find that it is best to dress better than you feel because it will make you actually feel better.  Clothes therapy.

Claudia picked me up right on time and we headed to have my port deaccessed.  Claudia was the perfect driver.  She kept me entertained and didn’t make me feel weird even if I do tend to have diarrhea of the mouth when I get nervous or overly tired.  It’s a good friend who realizes that someone just needs someone to listen or carry on random conversation to make you feel better.  I’m sure if I had asked Claudia to sing me a song she would have belted one out right then and there.

After the deaccess and ride home I got comfortable and passed out (no, not literally) on the couch.  I woke up to Todd calling to confirm that Buster and Percy were still in the backyard because one of our neighbors had seen a boxer heading out of the subdivision.  I opened the door and two crazy dogs ran inside.  Nope, our dogs are not breaking out of the subdivision any time soon. 

I fell back asleep and woke up when Todd came home.  I am feeling weak and my legs have threatened to fail me a few times, but I’ve kept on truckin’.  I went outside to get a little fresh air and decided that we should go on a walk.  We took the dogs and just walked to the next street.  It is only .2 miles but I think a lady in a motorized wheel chair could have lapped me 7 times.  I took it slow but enjoyed the air and the scenery.  There was a moment I contemplated just stopping or possibly throwing up in a rose bush but I decided that would not be very lady like.  Suck it up Shea!  You’ve got this.

I’m now drinking coffee, willing the gross throat feeling away, watching television and relaxing with Todd. 

As I was getting ready today I took a picture of my port when it was accessed.  I know I’ve shown y’all what the port not accessed looks like (just a little bump beneath my skin that looks like a bruise) but I’ve never shared what it looks like when it is accessed.  The port itself looks like a smooshed gum drop that is kind of sticky in the center and is implanted just beneath my skin.   It doesn’t hurt, just feels like a hard bump that doesn’t bother me or my squeamishness one bit.   A 90 degree needle is inserted into the port so it lies flush against my chest but goes straight into my port that connects to a main vein that administers the chemo.  If you’re squeamish you might not want to look at the picture, but I want to be open and share all the pieces of my treatment.  This is a regular day to day thing that I deal with during a chemo week. 

I’m not feeling fabulous, but today has been a regular Thursday.  I should start to feel slowly better over the next few days.  If I could have anything to eat I would like a Coke Icee – a big one.  My song of the day is “Mad World” by Michael Andrews. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Mad+World/AcV1d?src=5

Night y’all.

The lines above are just incisions.  The port access is the yellow piece.  That is what the needle is attached through and the IV running from that attaches to my pump that I have for 2 days.  After the 2 days the needle is removed once the pump is finished administering my chemo.  It doesn't hurt but it does start to irritate me a little by Thursday.  When it removed I get really tired. 

Blahh...I think I'm boring

5/18/11 – Just another day.

That’s what today has been – just another day – nothing special.  Nothing interesting to report.  Nothing horrible happened.  Just tired.  That’s basically how I spent my day – lying around, fighting off the nausea, relaxing and sleeping. 

Wednesday is starting to feel a little like Thursday.  Slowly getting harder. 

This may be TMI but Wednesdays of chemo have become my bubble bath day.  I can’t shower because my port is accessed to the pump.  I feel like a 5 year old.  On Wednesdays I relax and have my Mr. Bubble.  How often do 28 year olds buy Mr. Bubble?  It makes me remember my childhood.  When I was little I would always have Mr. Bubble or some other kind of bubble bath.  I just think it’s funny that 20 years down the road I have reverted back to the same comforts.  Now if only I had my Bert and Ernie toys to play with in the tub.  Unfortunately Ernie suffered a devastating injury while trying to escape through the drain.  I’ll just have to settle for a face mask and reading my book.

I caught up with one of my “small world” contacts today who lives in Gainesville and is a neighbor to my oncologist.  I love chatting with people that you haven’t spoken with in a while.  It was nice to catch up and let her know how I was doing. 

I also decided to try my hand at poetry today.  I realize that being an accountant it is probably harder to tap into a more easy going flow for poetry but I think that I have a lot going on and should have things to pull from that would be good material.  I still have a lot to work on.  I want the true feeling to come through and my lines do not rhyme but I’m ok with that.  Maybe when I have a really good one I’ll share.

I know this blog is boring and it breaks my heart.  I like to have interesting things to share about, but I’m too wiped out to come up with interesting topics.  Sorry guys.

One of my coworkers is taking me to chemo tomorrow.  I am so glad that she is taking time out of her day to do this for me.  I do wonder how I will feel.  I don’t like to share how bad I feel with people.  That is personal for me.  There are only certain people who truly know how hard this is.  I share more with you on my blog because I feel more disconnected to it.  I will say more to you in my blog than I would say to someone to his/her face.  That’s just how I am.  For some reason I feel safe through my blog, not as exposed to questions back that might make me feel vulnerable.  I control what I write.  So now my coworker is going with me.  She’s never seen be upset really or unhappy.  I’m usually peppy, sing song Shea.  This is a big deal for me.  I’m glad she is going with me.  I feel that if I may have a bad experience I would feel comfortable sharing that with her.

I’m going to wrap this up.  I feel ok right now.  A little nauseous and a lot tired.  If I could have anything to eat I would like something cold – ice cream, smoothie, sorbet,…  My song of the day is “Take it Easy” by the Eagles.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Take+It+Easy/20hjMq?src=5

Night y’all!

Walking is my nemesis

5/17/11 – Walking is my nemesis. 

Warning: It’s about to get real.  Each time chemo gets harder.  I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s true.  It helps to say it.  It makes me realize its real and not just a delusion.  There used to be a time when I would go to chemo and feel ok-ish Monday and Tuesday.  (Thursdays have never been my friend.)  Now, Monday is hard.  I’m tired.  Have you ever been so drained that when you walked you wondered if your legs would support you?  Really think about it.  All you have to do is make it to the bedroom.  Not that many steps.  As you stand up you think “Oooo, that’s different”.  You take a few steps and you notice you knees don’t feel all that stable.  They wobble a little.  As you continue to walk breathing becomes more labored.  (No joke, the breathing part is a little scary but it goes away as soon as you sit.)  You’re only going from the couch to the bedroom.  It should be easy.  Easy is overrated.  Perseverance pushes on.

I do miss the days when chemo was easier; however, I realize that things are hard for a reason.  We go through them for a reason.  We come out stronger for it in the end.  No, we didn’t ask for it, but it chose us for some reason.  I know each time my knees wobble and my breathing is labored that I’m a stronger person.  I’m closer to my friends, my family, my husband, God, and I’m closer to myself.  Yeah, it’s about to get real.  I live to be “real”, authentic, persistent because I’m a stronger person because of each weakness that becomes apparent. 

To be honest, I’m not sure where all this drive comes from.  Somewhere deep inside me, when I am the weakest, it pulls me out of grief and loneliness and reminds me that I can do this.  We were never promised happiness, but we are promised joy in our struggles.  I am joyful.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not always the poster child for joyfulness and I do tend to play devil’s advocate and appreciate snarkiness on all levels, but I am joyful.  At the end of the day, no matter how I feel, I have joy and peace. 

Since I am experiencing more and more impairment of motor skills due to chemo and chemo brain (real thing people, real thing) I am considering getting a walker.  I noticed a lady at chemo today that had a walker with a built in seat.  That is so cool.  I could walk a little ways and then take a break.  It would eliminate my possible passing out in public places.  Unfortunately walkers have a stigma.  It wouldn’t look “cool” to be trotting around town with my walker.  What about a cane?  Pimp hat and a cane.  I do like to wear hats. 

I’m not feeling fabulous but I’m pushing through – “this too shall pass”.  I’ve already shared what I would like to eat earlier, but now I’m not really feeling anything.  Maybe some coffee.  I have a new song for the moment.  I LOVE LOVE this song.  Christy Nockels, “Healing is in Your Hands”.  “No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough.”  Music has always meant a lot to me - it makes me happy and speaks to me on a certain level.  If you're able to listen to the link give it a try.  It means a lot to me. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Healing+Is+In+Your+Hands/2Ff9fM?src=5

Night y’all!

A chemo high



My tired chemo face.



5/17/11 – I am jittery!  (I am drugged up, so I guess that makes sense?)  Today was my 8^th chemo treatment.  Only 4 more to go – high five!

Tara went with me to chemo.  The last time Tara took me was when my white blood cell count was too low to get chemo.  I told her if my white count was low again that would mean it was her and she wouldn’t be able to come with me to chemo again.  (I’m so mean. Chemo Rule #4: “I am always right, at least for the 4 hours we are there.”) She laughed, but we were both interested to see if I would pass the test. 

After being weighed on the dog scale, having my temp and blood pressure checked, I finally got my blood count and was cleared for chemo.  It’s not Tara, it was just me. 

I had my usual doctor appointment and then went to the Infusion Room for treatment.  I think it’s funny that they are called “Infusion Rooms”.  Those words make me think of something fun, you know, kinda like restaurants “Asian fusion” …  Maybe that’s the point.  Best not to label it “Chemo (will make you feel like crap) Room”, right?

Tara works with one of the chemo nurse’s husband – isn’t it funny how things tie together sometimes?  I mean, I have surgery at Emory John’s Creek and learn that Nicole (who I sing in the choir with) is an OR nurse 2 days before my surgery.  My primary care doctor and GI doctor are close friends so she learns what is going on with me and calls Todd while I’m in the hospital to check on me a few times.  When I had my problem with the original oncologist I called Jamie (my friend from church) and got the number for her sister who works for an oncologist in Gainesville (I am now going to that oncologist).  My brother-in-law’s mother has a friend who lives in Gainesville and just so happens to live in the same neighborhood as my oncologist.  Tara works with one of my chemo nurse’s husband.  Funny how things work out.  Small world. 

I wound up having Carie as my chemo nurse and she is the one whose husband works with Tara.  I thought that was cool since Tara came with me today.  All the chemo nurses are so sweet.  Chemo went well.  I am tired like usual but Tara kept me entertained so the time went by quickly and I didn’t get tired until the very end.  For some reason my hands are shaking – I’m definitely not in withdrawals because I just got (still am getting) all my drugs pumped into my system.  My voice sounds a little weak.  I think the drugs affect my vocal chords.  I feel ok, I definitely don’t feel how I sound. 

Now I am vegging out on the sofa with my usual chemo week gear.  Drink, check! Pillow Pet, check!  New, awesome, super warm prayer blanket made for me by the super super sweet people at North Metro Church, check!  Comfy clothes, check!  TV remote, check!  I am set.  I am much more tired these days.  Relaxing on the couch is the smart move – “power move” as Eric would say.  It’s hard to do nothing during a regular week.  During chemo week it is necessary to do nothing.  Sounds lazy, but I promise you it’s not.  I know I’ve “rested” a lot, but I am worn out.  It takes a lot of energy to do this, chemo I mean.  Physically and mentally.  The mental part is probably the hardest part.  I will need a vacation once all of this is over.

If I could have anything to eat I would like some of the yummy cookies at Kroger.  I got pumpkin and white chocolate ones for my cheat day – delish.  My song of the day is “Hanginaround” by Counting Crows.  “I been bummin’ around this old town for way too long.”  Perfect song for my week, though I’m not trying to get sober (Hmmm… maybe I am, sober from my chemo drugs).

http://grooveshark.com/s/Hanginaround/sa7M1?src=5

Later!