Self Loathing

 8/22/11 – Well, it has finally happened.  I dislike myself.

I’m sure there are a million reasons for a person to no like themselves.  We live in a society where people are brainwashed into thinking that they are not good enough and we will only be loved if we are beautiful.  Botox, plastic surgery, teeth whitening, and augmentation rule the day.  I’m not saying that doing any of that is wrong, but we have to make sure that we are doing it for us and not for others.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be thought of as cute as much as the next girl.  So much of our self worth is tied up in how others and we perceive us. 

What has me disliking myself on this 22^nd day of August?  Clothes.  Sure, there are a number of reasons that your clothes can make you feel bad about yourself – too tight, out of style, just not feeling the combination of clothing, …  My self loathing is a whole other level of clothes discontentment.  I am unhappy with myself because I’m too matchy.  Yep, being too matchy can be a real problem for me.

When I am putting outfits together I try to get things that “go” together but not necessarily match.  I really am against being overly coordinated.  I’m not a Stepford Wife, no need for all that perfection.  I like to wear things that are fun and mix and match everything.  If I were to ever wear blue shorts, blue shirt, blue shoes, and blue socks I would have to evaluate my status as a diva.

Well, today I went shopping with Bekah to get some workout clothes.  She needed to pick up an outfit and of course I can’t go shopping and just look – it’s not in my nature.  I found a cute pair of grey shorts with hot pink accents on clearance.  I then found a hot pink shirt that would go well with the shorts and looked overly comfortable.  And, thus the matchy matchiness began.  Once we returned from our lunch expedition I placed the clothes inside of my gym bag.  I bought a gym bag on sale the other day that is purple with hot pink accents.  My lock that Todd bought me is purple and my water bottle is pink.  Seriously, I am disgusting myself just talking about it.  I think what makes it even worse is that I’m not a pink girl.  Pink has never been my favorite color.  I don’t dislike it, I just don’t like it the best.  I have very little pink clothing.  Now, in one swoop, I have entirely too much pink. 

That my friends is the reason I don’t like myself today.  I’m not that girl.  I’m not the girl that has to match.  Why?  Why do I find myself drawn to all this pink and purple matchy stuff?  I’ve basically reverted back to being a 4^th grade girl, all I need is Hello Kitty or Pochacco on my gym bag and shirt to make it real. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like some pizza (since we are talking about what I have in common with 4^th grade girls – my favorite food is pizza).  My song of the day is “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Barbie+Girl+radio+Edit+/2UkSHv?src=5

Night y’all!

Weird like me

Funny Face!

8/19/11 – You learn a lot about a person by just living with them.  For instance, I know that Todd: (1) doesn’t consider “straightened up” the same as “clean”, (2) is a complete snob when it comes to sporting goods, (3) believes his teeth are an acceptable cutting utensil and (4) that one pair of socks is able to single-handedly produce game winning home runs.

I mean, have you ever really thought about all the quirks of the person that you live with or even just people you see on a daily basis?  I know you see them.  I know you notice it too.  I happen to know for a fact that one of my friends considers coffee an important piece of the daily food pyramid and have another friend who believes that bleach is the best air freshener on the market.  Each one of us has things that we do or think that are unique and make us all a little odd.  Normal is boring. 

Think about it… What do you do or think that is only specific to you?  I happen to believe that (1) shoes are not an addiction they are a necessity (2) your hair is a way to express your personality (3) putting clothes in a basket in the closet is an acceptable form of cleaning (4) worms are deadly and it is perfectly natural to believe they could crawl into your car and attack at any given moment.  Those are just a few.  I have a ton more quirks to make me stand out and appear even weirder.  After you analyze your habits and start to believe that you are the weirdest person on the planet, trust me, I’ve got you beat.  Take some solace in the fact that someone (even if it is only 1 person) is more disturbed and weirder than you.

I mean, if you think about it, even the "normal" people are weird because not that many people are actually normal.  Think about it.  A normal person might (1) arrive to work on time, (2) wear kakhis and a navy blue shirt (not sure why, but that's just what I envision a "normal" person wearing), (3) drive the spead limit, and (4) have 2.5 kids and a dog.  Now, seriously, think about it.  Do any of those really sound normal to you?  Point made.  Even the normal people are weridos.

If I could have anything to eat I would like a cheeseburger.  My song of the day is "White and Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic.  LOL!

http://grooveshark.com/s/White+And+Nerdy/1N0QzH?src=5

Later!

Greater purpose

8/18/11 – The Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk is less than a month away as of today. If you would like to participate visit http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR?fr_id=1063&pg=entry

and sign up today. I’m looking forward to seeing lots of you out there!

I haven’t felt very motivated the last few days. Maybe my body is having to get used to the whole work out thing? Either way, it needs to stop some time in the near future. Have you ever felt that you needed to do something, to make a difference, to live life to the fullest? Who hasn't, right?  I guess that is what is getting to me. I’ve been through cancer and I simply can’t go back to the way I was. There was nothing wrong with how things were but now I realize there is so much more to life and time is short. I want to enjoy each day and make an impact.

Have you ever sat around and tried to think about how to make an impact? It’s not easy. It’s kind of like thinking about world peace – a good concept but hard to put into practice. I’ve tried to get involved with a support group, I’ve shared my story with Get Your Rear in Gear and all of you on my blog, but it still seems that I need to do more. God can’t have put me through all of this without there being a larger plan. What is it? For some reason I thought this “greater plan” thing would find me, but now I’m starting to wonder. Is there really something that I’m called to do? Was there any reason why I had this happen to me? What am I supposed to do with all that I’ve experienced and learned?

I’ve enjoyed writing the blog and I love talking to people about my story. Those two outlets have made me feel that I’m making some impact, but I want more – I need more. How? How do we know what we are supposed to do? Wouldn’t it be lovely if we were given a roadmap or if we could receive daily texts of what we are supposed to accomplish?

From the beginning Todd has wanted me to think about turning my blog into a book. There are lots of cancer books out there. I’m not sure if something I wrote would be all that marketable, granted I do have a few funny moments, but would it be something that someone would really want to read? I know this seems to be a blog of questions, but these are all things that are running through my head. I’ll give the book idea a shot, even if I write it only for me to have. It never hurts to try, right?

If I could have anything to eat I would like a caramel apple. My song of the day is “I’m Moving On” by Rascal Flats.

http://grooveshark.com/s/I+m+Moving+On/2gQIn7?src=5

Night y’all!

Twilight Zone

Percy!

8/17/11 – One guess as to what I did last night after leaving the gym.

Eeeh (basket ball buzzer noise)! Wrong!  You would only be correct if you said “Drove to Alabama to drop off Percy”.  Technically Todd drove, but I still think the term is correct. 

Yesterday wound up to be a weird day.  Tuesdays are supposed to be normal, bland, boring days.  That’s what Tuesday have normally been for me.  Even when I was getting chemo on Tuesdays they were always just one other day.  Yesterday did not turn out to be a regular day.

I woke up, got ready for work, drank my coffee, drove in to work, got busy doing my job.  I didn’t do anything special.  I wasn’t dressed any different than a usual Tuesday.  I even forgot to pack a lunch.  Normal, normal, normal.  I had plans to go to the gym and then cook a boring chicken dinner.  Nothing special.

My day changed with a simple text message around 11:00.  The text was from my sister-in-law and simply said “Lexi is going into heat”.  Yup, I just threw it all out there.  No hiding it.  My sister-in-law’s Yorkie had gone into heat and she wanted us to bring Percy over to Alabama.  Seriously, how insane does that sound?  Drop everything and drive to Alabama to let her take my dog home.  And what did we do?  We drove to Alabama and dropped off Percy. 

All the animals I have ever had have always been fixed.  We didn’t do puppies or kittens in my house.  You got one animal because you wanted one animal, not 7.  When my mother-in-law gave me Percy Todd said that we should not get him fixed immediately and stud him out.  That’s right, my husband wanted to pimp out my sweet, adorable little dog.  All of that was way beyond me.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  I made it clear to Todd that if he wanted to stud Percy out he would be the one in charge of that.  That did not mean that I would be cut out of the profit though.

So, yesterday after I received and read the text I got a call from Todd.  I thought he was going to comment on how the timing was awful and that he would just have to find another female to breed Percy with, but he actually said to me “I told Ashley we wouldn’t be able to leave until 7:15 at the earliest.”  Hunh?  We were going to drive to Alabama and meet them that night?  Really?  My husband who complains that we are always too busy and never have time to spend on our house was just going to drop everything and drive to Anniston?  I was certain that I had been thrown into an alternate universe where up was down and Todd was easy going.  All because of a little dog?  Ok….but I wasn’t drivin’.

I had an appointment with a trainer after work.  I went and did my workout, then returned home to eat and hit the road.  I slipped further into the Twilight Zone because Todd got off work early and made dinner for us.  It continued to get weirder because he whipped up a delicious buffalo chicken pizza on a week night.  I have found that when your husband gets off work early, cooks for you, and all of a sudden doesn’t care so much about the house getting clean on time you don’t question it, you just go with it.  So, I enjoyed my dinner and then got Percy’s things together and Todd, Buster, Percy and I hit the road to ride to Alabama.

We drove to Anniston, which is half way, and dropped off Percy.  It was an odd expedition for a week night.  It was nice to see Ashley and Jason, but by the time we met I was so tired that I wasn’t very good company.  I fueled up on coffee for the ride home but Todd and I both knew I would fall asleep.  Todd pulled his Green Bay cheesehead out of the trunk for me to curl up with on the ride home.  Little known fact: A cheesehead makes a great pillow.

So that was my day.  Todd became another person, my husband cooked me dinner, we drove to Alabama just to drop off a dog, and I slept with a cheesehead as a pillow.  Yep, yesterday was definitely odd.

If I could have anything to eat I would like another slice of Todd’s buffalo chicken pizza.  My song of the day is "E.T." by Katy Perry.

http://grooveshark.com/s/E+t+/38kPqD?src=5

Later!

Workin' it out

8/17/11 – It was only a matter of time before I joined a gym.

I think I knew once I finished chemo and started my diet and walking program that it would some day fail me.  I just didn’t think that day would come so soon.  For some reason I thought I could diet and walk and see results.  Well, I saw some results but I also saw some pizza and Coke too.

The diet just didn’t work.  No one should deprive themselves of fruit.  It’s just not right.  Of course I’m going to crave carbs and sweet things because I wasn’t even allowed to have the one source of sweetness that’s somewhat ok for you – fruit.  The first week of my so-called diet I lost 6 lbs – awesome, right?  Well, the second week I gained 2 lbs and the third week I gained 3 lbs.  In total I lost 1 measly pound.  Unacceptable.

While I was on vacation Yen mentioned how she had joined a smaller gym and really enjoyed it.  She didn’t feel pushed out of the weight areas by body builder guys and they had a more relaxed atmosphere.  The more I thought about it the better joining a gym started to sound.  I’ve been a member at a gym before and found that it wasn’t my cup of tea.  I didn’t care for all the people; having to fight for cardio equipment; and just how long it took for me to get from work, to the gym, and then home.  It was a bad fit all around.  The thought of a smaller gym became more appealing because I started to see how it might turn all my negatives about a gym into positives.

I did a little research once I returned from vacation and found that there was a gym very close to my work.  That would work out really well because I could get there quickly after work and by the time I left the gym all the after work traffic would have already died down – win, win.  All I had to do was scope out the gym and see if it appeared clean, friendly, and not too crowded.  Upon inspection the gym passed all of my tests – win, win, win.  So, Monday I joined Planet Fitness.  I met with a personal trainer and he designed a 5 day workout plan for me.  I have worked out 2 days now and I am really excited about how convenient and easy everything is.  I just hope I can stick to it and start to see results.

The article link from the Mayo Clinic lists 7 tips to reduce your risk of cancer.  Healthy living is considered the “best revenge” for combating and preventing chronic diseases.  Thus, living a healthy lifestyle can help prevent cancer.  I’m working out and getting back into shape to help boost my odds of getting colon cancer again.  Plus, it makes you feel good – to quote Legally Blonde – “Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.”  Maybe working out will decrease my snarkiness – doubtful.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer-prevention/CA00024

If I could have anything to eat I would like some Greek yogurt.  My song of the day is “Physical” by Oliva Newton John. Hahaha!

http://grooveshark.com/s/Physical/3mzAly?src=5

Night y’all!

Helen Vacation

View from our cabin in Helen.

8/16/11 – I’m back from vacation.

We went to Helen with Brad and Yen.  We rented a cabin on the river and just relaxed.  It was wonderful.

Last week I was already in full vacation mode.  I had zero interest in working, along with the fact that it was an odd week with the colonoscopy thrown into the mix.  By the time Thursday came along I was fully prepared.

Thursday morning we packed up the truck with the dogs and headed to the grocery store on our way out of town.  Yen already had a list made so we picked up everything we needed quickly.  The guys went to the meat market and picked out steaks and burgers.  The guys wound up paying double what we paid on groceries only on the meat!  After our short trip to the store we headed to Bojangles for breakfast – yum – and then hit the road. 

The drive to Helen was nice.  It was a beautiful day and the drive isn’t that long.  Long enough to have a good conversation and enjoy the ride but short enough to not go completely crazy.  Once we arrived in Helen we checked in to the cabin rental office and then headed to the cabin.  We stayed a little south of Helen on the Chattahoochee.   The cabin was beautiful.  It had a ton of outdoor space – deck, hot tub, dog run, fire pit, outside bar, swing, table to eat, and chairs to just relax.  If the outside looked that cool what must the inside look like?  The inside was all pine with a nice kitchen, flat screen TV, and comfy beds. 

We quickly settled in and went to scope out the river access.  We had stairs that led down to the river with a sandbar right in front.  It was the perfect area to park a chair, relax, and read.  The water was never over your head and the current wasn’t overly strong.  The dogs had a blast playing in the water and the guys fished the afternoon away. 

That was basically the way the vacation went.  Yen and I relaxed, talked, and read.  The dogs played in the water.  Todd and Brad fished.  We ate lots of good meals.  The expensive meat the guys bought was worth every penny.  We canoed and kayaked around the area and enjoyed the fire pit each night.  It was a lovely long weekend.  The perfect vacation and I can’t wait to go back. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like a chicken salad croissant.  My song of the day is "Knee Deep" by the Zac Brown Band. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Knee+Deep+feat+Jimmy+Buffett+/3Y9DwM?src=5

Later!

Distressed Driving

8/10/11 – Today is my Friday. 

As of 5:00 today I was officially on vacation.  Not the chemo-not feeling good-just hanging out at the cabin type vacation, but the I am finished with chemo-and feeling good type vacation.  I can’t wait to just relax and enjoy a few days off work to refuel.  Since chemo has been over I think I’ve been running off caffeine and fumes.  We did have a mini vacation the weekend of my last treatment but since I was feeling bad that doesn’t truly count as relaxing. 

This morning I woke up on time on accident.  I guess you could call it a happy accident since our alarm sound was turned all the way down so neither of us ever heard the alarm go off.  I rocketed out of bed like everyone does when they are jerked from sleep to realize the alarm didn’t sound.  Yes, I was technically still on time but that is a heck of a way to wake up.  If there was a way to recreate that every morning I might just turn into a morning person.

I got ready for work and headed out the door before I even heard the bus turn into the cul-de-sac.  (The bus is my enemy on work days.)  Everything was going well.  It was a good morning.  I smiled as I passed the bus headed the opposite direction as I scooted out of the subdivision.  I was early, but I didn’t have to sacrifice sleep.  Sweet!

True to form I hit a bit (quite a bit) of traffic.  I’m not sure what it is about school being in that just makes the traffic so much worse.  Most of the schools are already in by the time I head out the door.  Are that many people late to school or am I just catching the soccer moms on their way back home?  Anyway… I made it through traffic and got on 85 South.  I hit a little more traffic but was still doing well on time.  I had a full 6 minutes to make it work once I got off my exit (more than enough to make it on time). 

I made my usual right turn and then got into the left turning lane.  I always evaluate the 2 turning lanes to see which one is shorter so I will make sure to make the light.  The shorter lane put me behind a Comcast van.  I pulled to a stop and waited for the light.  Since the van was so tall I was unable to see the light when it changed.  I noticed the truck in the other left turn lane was moving.  Why wasn’t I moving?  The van didn’t budge.  It didn’t have any hazard lights on signaling that it had broken down, but it didn’t move when the light had obviously turned green.  I whipped it over into the other turn lane just to get stuck with the red turn arrow.  I looked over and noticed that all the cars that were in front of the Comcast van had made the light but the driver was too busy texting to even notice.  Seriously?! 

I’m relatively certain that texting while driving is against the law.  I’m not saying that I’ve done it before but if I had I would have noticed that the car in front of me was moving let alone simply not there anymore.  I watched the Comcast van with pure hatred in my eyes – it was not one of my finer moments.  That dude had made me late for work because he was texting.  That couldn’t go unnoticed.  He couldn’t not know that I was upset.  I had to stick up for myself.  My first idea was to jump out of my car, beat on his window, and then punch him in the face – have I mentioned that I suffer from road rage?  My next idea was to let him pass me and then see if there was a “how’s my driving” number on the van and call in and report him.  My third idea was to roll down my window and really let him have it, verbal assault baby!  I ruled out option #1 because I might get the cops called for attacking someone.  The van never passed me so I was unable to follow through with option #2.  I was afraid that if I went through with option #3 the guy my get out of his van and smack me or say something mean back and make me cry (you can’t keep your intimidating demeanor if someone makes you cry).  I decided on option #4 – turn around, look the guy in the eye, and scream “What the ‘heck’ were you doing?! Jerk!” at him from the safety of my car. 

After all of that I didn’t really feel satisfied.  In the future if I am approached with that situation again I may just go with option #1.  Sure I may get the cops called on me but I’m pretty sure that my assault would be justified since the guy was texting.  I could say I was trying to perform a citizen’s arrest.  I’m going to need to work on my judo moves so I feel confident taking a dude down.  I’m pretty sure I would have the advantage because what guy really believes that a woman dressed for work in a skirt, headband, and wedges is going to challenge them for their poor driving decisions?  No one.  I would have the element of surprise on my side. 

I made it in to work only a few minutes late.  I don’t like showing up to work upset but that seems to be my theme.  I don’t think I will ever show up to work happy until I am the only one on the road and I’m pretty certain that I wouldn’t even be happy then because it would mean that I’m the only one who has to go into work every day.  I just can’t win. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like some hummus and pita bread.  My song of the day is “Vacation” by the Go-Go’s. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Vacation/32Nmim?src=5

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

Colonoscopies aren't scary

8/9/11 – Um… why is Todd making fun of me?  I’m not laughing.

Yesterday I wrote 2 blogs.  As you may know I always add what I would like to eat and my song of the day at the end.  One of my blogs was about wanting to chop off my numb fingers so I chose Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” as my song of the day.  I like to play the song as I’m posting my blog.  Todd walks by and hears the song playing.  A little while later I’m posting my second blog and playing my second song of the day which is “Peace Like a River”.  Todd is on the phone and I hear him say “One minute she’s playing Gangsta’s Paradise and the next she’s playing Southern Gospel…”  I quickly snap back that I’m a complex individual.  I cannot be categorized by just one music genre.  Don’t try to label me because I’m so much more than a label.

Today I had my colonoscopy.  I learned 2 things:

1.       Colonoscopies do not hurt

2.       Some people snore while they are sedated

Todd and I woke up at 6:30 and got ready to leave.  I was a little nervous this morning.  I mean, I did have a tumor so I was a little worried about what the procedure might find.  We arrived right on time and I was taken back to the holding room.  They weren’t able to use my port so I informed the nurse that I was a diva and had a serious problem with IV’s.  She was very nice and told me she completely understood because she didn’t care for them too much herself.  As she was about to stick me she held up the needle and said “See this?  I’m going to use the smallest needle I can on you.  It’s what we would use for a child.”  Awesome!  I love nurses that get it.  I also explained how I hate seeing the IV go into my arm, or hand in this case, so she covered it with gauze for me. Small victories.

The anesthesiologist came in and quickly got informed of my IV quirks.  He seemed to put up with my diva-ness rather well.  He went over the anesthesia part assuring me that I would be completely asleep.  He wheeled me into the procedure room and turned on some tunes.  I was pleasantly surprised to be surrounded by Blackeyed Peas and Rhiana music.  Who knew doctors got down like that? 

My GI doctor and a couple techs came into the room and I got one quick question that had been eating at me in before I received my anesthesia.  “Do people snore when they are asleep?”  He told me that some do and my GI doctor said that was what the music was for – haha, she’s got jokes!  I then got my drugs and promptly fell asleep.

After the procedure I woke up in the recovery holding room with Todd by my side.  My GI doctor said that everything looked good and I didn’t have anything that needed to be removed.  She said that she checked my surgery area and if she hadn’t known that I had a colon resection she wouldn’t have noticed it at all.  My surgeon did a very good job.  I received a full report with color photos and everything.  Kinda cool, but kinda gross.

I got a little antsy in the recovery holding room.  The diva was coming out.  I wanted to go to the bathroom but was told I needed to wait a few minutes.  I then started asking when I would be allowed to leave.  I was ready to get home and get comfortable.  I was feeling good and I had had enough of that place.  Once I was allowed to get dressed and go to the bathroom I was met by a wheel chair.  “I don’t need a wheel chair.”  I had stumbled around on my own just fine during chemo, why did I need a wheel chair now?  Apparently it is procedure so my butt got forced into the wheel chair.  Could be worse things.

Todd drove me home, stopping by Chick-fil-A for a chicken biscuit on the way.  I was really hungry so the biscuit hit the spot.  Once I got home I set up shop in my former chemo room.  I watched a movie on TV, tried to read, and then fell asleep.  I slept most of the day.  I am now just relaxing and trying to enjoy myself.  All in all the procedure went well.  I had no discomfort or complications.  I’ll return to work tomorrow.  Overall, a good experience and a little piece of mind.

If I could have anything to eat I would like a cheese burger.  My song of the day is “Imma Be” by the Blackeyed Peas.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Imma+Be/2p8kuk?src=5

Night y’all!

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Preparing to Prep

8/8/11 – Well, my oh-so-glamorous colonoscopy is tomorrow.

That’s right people, I’ve been taunted and threatened with a colonoscopy for nearly 9 months and now it has finally caught up with me.  It was only a matter of time. 

Everyone says that the prep is the worst part.  People fail to remember that all I did for 2 weeks in December is prep and a liquid diet.  The prep is easy for me.  Well, maybe…..

My prep is made up of drinking an entire bottle of Magnesium Citrate Sunday night and then drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade with 238 grams of Miralax Monday.  I then have the actual procedure on Tuesday.  All day Monday I am on a liquids only diet.  I’m hoping to lose some weight out of this.

The part that scared me the most was the Magnesium Citrate.  The Magnesium Citrate is what sent me to the ER in December.  I know that I no longer have a tumor in me to cause problems but the whole thing sent me back to that time.  You know how people who drink usually have one drink that they just can’t do?  They overdid it sometime in the past and got horribly sick.  Some people can’t even bare to look at the bottle.  Well, that is how I am with Magnesium Citrate.  It conjures up every bad memory I have from December and brings it to the forefront. 

I told myself I could do it.  I could drink this nasty stuff and get on with it.  It would just be a quick glass of nasty stuff that would be over and done with before I knew it.  I came home from church last night, ate some dinner, and then poured my glass of fear.  My UHC case worker had recommended mixing it with Sprite to cut the taste.  I poured a little Sprite in the glass and then topped it off with lemon/lime Magnesium Citrate.  The first sip I almost spit out.  Magnesium Citrate tastes disgusting and is fizzy on top of that.  It was all I could do to keep it down.  I had asked my doctor if I had to do it and she said yes.  I had to drink it.  I had to drink it all.

The more I looked at the glass the bigger it seemed.  It was like the glass was growing and expanding just by me looking at it with sheer disgust.  How was I going to get through this?  I drank some more and focused on not getting sick.  The more I thought about not getting sick the more sick I became.  No, no, I was not going to do this again.  The Magnesium Citrate made me sick the time before I was not going to let it do that again.  I knew if I became sick then my side would start to hurt and I would wind up in a fetal position begging Todd to drive me to the hospital.  I was not going down that road again.  I wasn’t going to let it get to me. 

Slowly I drank the remainder of the Magnesium Citrate.  I would take a drink, fight off the gagging, and then drink some more.  I have decided one thing after finshing the drink and promptly brushing my teeth.  I have decided that I will NEVER drink Magnesium Citrate ever again.  I know it is on the prep sheet but I will emphatically tell my GI doctor that I flat out refuse to drink that ever again.  They can give me a shot, make me endure having an IV put in, or maybe even pull off one of my finger nails but I will not ever drink that stuff again. 

Today is much better.  No more nasty Magnesium Citrate to drink.  I can handle the Miralax, I practically lived on it for a while.  It’s not that bad.  I am very, very glad that I was allowed to work from home today.  That would have been awkward.  I’m not as scared about tomorrow now that the worst is behind me. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like a turkey sandwich.  I’m on a liquid diet today so real food would be wonderful.  My song of the day is “Peace Like a River” by Elizabeth Mitchell.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Peace+Like+A+River/3avYmZ?src=5

Later peeps!

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Rockin' 7 Fingers

8/8/11 – I’m thinking about cutting off my fingers. 

I know that sounds drastic, but what other option do I have?  Just continue to let the numbness spread?  I’m pretty sure there is a verse in the Bible that says “if your right hand offends you, cut if off”.  I did not look the verse up and I might be misquoting the Bible but I’m pretty sure that is what the verse says.  I don’t mean to poke fun at a Bible verse but let’s just face it, my fingers are offending me.

Every day I wake up and will them to develop more feeling.  Every day they continue to become more and more numb.  I even had a moment when I couldn’t get the back on my earring because I could not feel where the hole was.  I had to do it with my left hand instead of my right. 

Don’t worry about my pain.  I’m almost 80% sure that it won’t hurt a bit.  I won’t need any topical numbing cream (though I do have some) because my fingers have no feeling.  Maybe I can get some cool prosthetic finger tips?  Maybe purple ones that can type 12 times faster than my normal fingers?  That could be cool.  I told Todd my plan to remove my numb fingers and he asked if he could do it.  No!  They are bothering me, so by golly I’m gonna be the ones to get rid of them.

All of this sounds a little morbid, but seriously, if I were kidnapped and the kidnappers were going to have to chop off a body part to mail in to prove that they had me I would gladly offer up a finger or two.  Can you imagine their disbelief at my willingness to cooperate or the “Thank goodness!” I would yell once the feeling had been restored to my semi-functioning limbs?  I could potentially tick them off, but I’m willing to take that chance.  Having bad people chop off my fingers would mean that I would have to actually be kidnapped and I’m pretty sure that once the creeps learned how mouthy I am they wouldn’t want to keep me.  Plus, what would they be hoping to get?  Surly not money, that would be a laugh.

If I could have anything to eat I would like some tiramisu.  My song of the day is “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Gangsta+s+Paridise/3xJfg4?src=5

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

I will so shoot you!

8/6/11 – I have to admit that I have reached a low point.  I’m not proud of it, but I don’t regret it either.  I, Shea Bamberg, shot a middle schooler with a laser gun and rejoiced about it in public.  Yeah…..

Friday night was Merge for the 5^th graders going into 6^th grade.  They are going into middle school and are moving from the main church area down to the youth building.  Coming to the youth building the first time can be a little scary so the middle school minister has Merge to let the kids come in, hang out, get to know some of their teachers and the building, and have fun.

Friday I had a hair appointment so I missed the first part of Merge.  I joined them at Laser City to participate in laser tag and get to know the girls.  I haven’t played laser tag in years.  I think I was actually in high school the last time I played.

We went in, got our gear on, and headed in to play.  Before the game started Todd said “See those stairs? Follow me.”  I headed in but quickly lost track of Todd.  I went towards the stairs and headed up.  There were plenty of places to spy on others and get a good shot in.  The problem with being upstairs is that you’re kind of like a sitting duck.  I would find one person that I had a good shot of and just before I pulled the trigger I would get hit.  Frustration.

When you get hit your suit powers down for 5 seconds and then comes back on.  It took me a while to figure out when my suit was off and when it was on.  I spent the first game trying to figure out how to shoot properly and how to not get shot by others.  Toward the end of the game I went back down stairs and found a cubby where I just hid and shot people.  That was more my speed.  The true hunter in my started to come out.

Once the game was finished I met up with Todd and told him that his suggestion of going upstairs was horrible.  I was shot constantly.  He explained that he wasn’t telling me to go upstairs but to follow him to a good hiding spot where you could see a lot and shoot almost anyone. 

The next game I followed Todd and holed up in the hiding space.  Todd was right.  It was the perfect spot.  I could see anyone who came to shoot the base and see up top and people on the ground.  I stayed in my newly appointed hiding spot and rocked it out.  I see you, BAM.  I see you too, BAM BAM! I was on fire! Just because I was hidden does not mean that I didn’t get shot from time to time. 

We generally played boys against girls.  The boys would just walk straight up and shoot me sometimes. They were kamikaze shooters I tell you.  One in particular was very good at sneaking in without me seeing him and then shooting me.  He would just stand there and wait for my suit to start to power up and do it again.  Dude!  I would have so shot him if I had a working laser gun. 

And that is how my opening statement came to be.  It was our third game and the same middle school boy had shot me a couple times before I recognized him.  He also told me that I was in his spot though I had been there for at least 2 games already.  (The first rule in war is to stand your ground.  I was a statue.  If he wanted me moved he was going to have to move me himself.)  He was a sneaky little thing.  After I recovered from being shot and the game had been going on a few minutes, I saw him making his move to shoot our base.  Quick!  I had to react quickly since he knew my hideout.  I shot him as soon as he came into the open.  I yelled “Yeah!” did a short fist pump and jumped.  Excessive celebration?  Yeah, you could say so.  So there I was, celebrating the downfall of a middle schooler over an adult.  Some might categorize this as a low point in my life, but I’m not so sure myself.  I felt pretty darn good at the moment.

What does this mean about me?  Do I like to win too much?  Are there no lengths I will not go to?  If I were playing a 5 year old in Go Fish would I let them win or mercilessly beat them?  I honestly don’t know.  My whole perspective on my niceness has altered since the laser tag incident.  The animal in my had come out.  Being a true boy the middle schooler paid me no attention and went on his way to power back up and shoot someone else.  Maybe it is safe to say that my niceness is still intact but remains questionable at times.  I’m ok with that.

If I could have anything to eat I would like an orange.  My song of the day is “Regulators” by Warren G – hahaha!

http://grooveshark.com/s/Regulators/5NJRO?src=5

Night y’all!

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Just keep bloggin', just keep bloggin'...

8/3/11 – I guess it is time for a slightly serious/informative blog. 

Several people have asked me if I am going to stop blogging now that my treatment is finished.  No.  I have realized that I still have a lot to talk about even though treatment is finished and I really enjoy blogging.  I plan to continue my “Shea’s So Full of It” blog until I have my port removed in December. (I consider that the real end of my treatment.)  After that, I may start another blog or my just continue my original one.  Either way I am definitely not done.

You would think that being finished with chemo would be great, but it’s harder than you would expect.  Yes, there are still residual affects of the chemo in my body but just mentally it is hard.  In my head I know that being finished should be easy.  I should be able to go right back to where I was pre-cancer.  It’s not that easy.

I find myself wanting to go back and have more treatment.  Not because I enjoyed it so much but because then I was doing something to prevent the cancer.  It’s odd to just stop.  What is keeping the cancer from coming back now?  Don’t I need more?  I know I’ve probably already shared this struggle with you, but it really is hard.  It is something that affects me on a day to day basis. 

I don’t think I realized how much knowing I had cancer affected me while I was going through recovering from the surgery and going through chemo.  I blocked a lot out to protect myself.  Once the treatment was over the gravity of it all hit me.  Now I’m a little more freaked out by it and that contributes to my anxiety about it being over and not having to go see a doctor every other week.  I believe I thought my going to see the doctor and going through chemo would keep the cancer away.  Now, I just don’t know what to do.  It seems like all I can do is wait.

To add to my paranoia I am having my colonoscopy next week.  I have to drink the same stuff that sent me to the ER a week or so before my diagnosis and surgery.  I also heard back from the dermatologist yesterday.  I hate it when doctors' offices call and leave a message for you to call them back.  Those two things bring back memories of all that I went through.

The phone call freaked me out a bit because you never really know if it’s going to be good news or bad news.  I learned that the hard way.  When I called back I learned that the spot on my leg that they biopsied was moderately abnormal.  Basically that means that it might be a precancerous area.  I’m supposed to go back in 2 months for them to check the area for repigmentation. 

I'm not going to lie, the phone call and the idea of even slightly having precancerous cells in my body freaks me out.  I just went through chemo so that word carries a lot of weight.  I'm sure they were just telling me the facts that I needed to know and it is really no big deal, but the sheer word scares me.  What I have been through has been a learning experience and I feel that I've gotten more good than bad out of it, but the thought of having to do it again doesn't appeal to me.  I'm not worrying about the moderately abnormal diagnosis because I don't think it is something I really need to worry about.  It is probably nothing and if it were actually serious they would want me to come in immediately.  Just sharing my thoughts.

I know I don't really have too many heavy blogs anymore (which is a good thing) but I did want all of you to know what I'm still going through.  If you're wondering, my fingers are still numb.  Hopefully it will start to go away soon but lately it has only gotten worse.  I was told that it would get worse before it got better so I'm not worried there either, just annoyed. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like a turkey wrap from Jason's Deli.  My song of the day is "Something to Believe In" by Parachute.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Something+To+Believe+In/3MVwFi?src=5

Night!

Car Stalker

8/3/11 – I am a car stalker/critic.

Since I have been driving into work and staying the whole day I have seen my fair share of cars and drivers as I’m zooming through traffic.  “Zooming” might be the wrong word.  Sitting works better. 

So, there I am sitting in traffic and what do I do?  I look at people’s cars and try to decide what they do and who they are. 

The other day as I was creeping through traffic I notice this monstrosity of a vehicle.  It was huge.  It was black, had black out lights, a deep tint, and a covering over the license plate.  Mercenary???  I also noticed that this vehicle had a Mercedes symbol on the back of the SUV doors.  In the middle of the doors to be exact.  I thought that was an odd place for a symbol to be because how would they open the doors?  I started to really look at the SUV and analyze it.  It looked kind of like a huge Ford SUV with a Mercedes symbol on it.  Was someone trying to spiff up their Ford with a Mercedes symbol?  Come on, you know people do shady stuff like that all the time.

I go into detective mode.  I have to find out if this is really a Mercedes or not.  I quickly notice that the SUV has a limousine tag.  That adds some credibility to the vehicle, but I’m still unsure.  I need to see the front of the car.  The problem was that I was in the creep along type traffic.  The kind where you get right beside the other car but never quite can pass them.  I waited and waited, looked and looked, but I never made it quite to the front of the car.  The people inside probably thought I was a weirdo, but I didn’t care, I was on a mission.  The fate of the universe depended on if this vehicle was a Ford in disguise as a Mercedes or an actual Mercedes.  I only got a slight glimpse of the front of the SUV as they were turning off the road and I believe it actually was a Mercedes, but I have never seen one like that ever.  There is still a small doubt that it might not be authentic.

Black, lemo tagged SUV with a Mercedes symbol on the back, I will find you and I will find out if you are real or not.  It’s only a matter of time.

I had one more car encounter last night.  I was driving home after visiting my counselor.  I got behind a white Carrola. I start my usual car analysis.  I quickly spy that the license plate says “DR JULIE”.  I think about this for a moment.  Really?  Really?  Would a doctor actually drive a Carrola? 

I started to ponder this phenomenon.  I’m not sure about you, but I want my doctors to drive Mercedes, BMWs, Bentleys even.  I want a rich doctor because that means that he/she is good at what they do.  I’m not how I feel about my doctor driving a Carrola.  Yes, sensibility and lower gas consumption are good points to make in favor of a Carrola driving doctor, but when you’re on the operating table which do you want?  Carrola or BMW?  I vote for BMW all the way!

Now usually I don’t judge people by their cars.  I drive a squealing Mitsubishi, Gallant for crying out loud.  I don’t think that means I’m a bad accountant.  I think that means that my husband is frugal.  However, I believe that certain professions should be judged by the cars they drive.  If a missionary drove an Audi that would seem weird, wrong even.  Shouldn’t it work the same for doctors?  Lawyers?  Investment portfolio managers?  I want to see an obnoxiously expensive car outside before I even consider you treating me, defending my reckless driving case, or investing my money.  Yes, I do judge you.  I judge your car.

I think this has been a teaching blog.  I feel that I have really given all of you something to think about whether it is car stalking or car judging.  It is all good points to reflect upon. 

If I could have anything to eat I would love a Snickers ice cream bar.  My song of the day is “Cadillac’s on 22’s” by David Banner.

8/3/11 – I am a car stalker/critic.

Since I have been driving into work and staying the whole day I have seen my fair share of cars and drivers as I’m zooming through traffic.  “Zooming” might be the wrong word.  Sitting works better. 

So, there I am sitting in traffic and what do I do?  I look at people’s cars and try to decide what they do and who they are. 

The other day as I was creeping through traffic I notice this monstrosity of a vehicle.  It was huge.  It was black, had black out lights, a deep tint, and a covering over the license plate.  Mercenary???  I also noticed that this vehicle had a Mercedes symbol on the back of the SUV doors.  In the middle of the doors to be exact.  I thought that was an odd place for a symbol to be because how would they open the doors?  I started to really look at the SUV and analyze it.  It looked kind of like a huge Ford SUV with a Mercedes symbol on it.  Was someone trying to spiff up their Ford with a Mercedes symbol?  Come on, you know people do shady stuff like that all the time.

I go into detective mode.  I have to find out if this is really a Mercedes or not.  I quickly notice that the SUV has a limousine tag.  That adds some credibility to the vehicle, but I’m still unsure.  I need to see the front of the car.  The problem was that I was in the creep along type traffic.  The kind where you get right beside the other car but never quite can pass them.  I waited and waited, looked and looked, but I never made it quite to the front of the car.  The people inside probably thought I was a weirdo, but I didn’t care, I was on a mission.  The fate of the universe depended on if this vehicle was a Ford in disguise as a Mercedes or an actual Mercedes.  I only got a slight glimpse of the front of the SUV as they were turning off the road and I believe it actually was a Mercedes, but I have never seen one like that ever.  There is still a small doubt that it might not be authentic.

Black, lemo tagged SUV with a Mercedes symbol on the back, I will find you and I will find out if you are real or not.  It’s only a matter of time.

I had one more car encounter last night.  I was driving home after visiting my counselor.  I got behind a white Carrola. I start my usual car analysis.  I quickly spy that the license plate says “DR JULIE”.  I think about this for a moment.  Really?  Really?  Would a doctor actually drive a Carrola? 

I started to ponder this phenomenon.  I’m not sure about you, but I want my doctors to drive Mercedes, BMWs, Bentleys even.  I want a rich doctor because that means that he/she is good at what they do.  I’m not how I feel about my doctor driving a Carrola.  Yes, sensibility and lower gas consumption are good points to make in favor of a Carrola driving doctor, but when you’re on the operating table which do you want?  Carrola or BMW?  I vote for BMW all the way!

Now usually I don’t judge people by their cars.  I drive a squealing Mitsubishi, Gallant for crying out loud.  I don’t think that means I’m a bad accountant.  I think that means that my husband is frugal.  However, I believe that certain professions should be judged by the cars they drive.  If a missionary drove an Audi that would seem weird, wrong even.  Shouldn’t it work the same for doctors?  Lawyers?  Investment portfolio managers?  I want to see an obnoxiously expensive car outside before I even consider you treating me, defending my reckless driving case, or investing my money.  Yes, I do judge you.  I judge your car.

I think this has been a teaching blog.  I feel that I have really given all of you something to think about whether it is car stalking or car judging.  It is all good points to reflect upon. 

If I could have anything to eat I would love a Snickers ice cream bar.  My song of the day is “Cadillac’s on 22’s” by David Banner.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Cadillac+On+22+s/3e8U7o?src=5

Night All!