Walking is my nemesis

5/17/11 – Walking is my nemesis. 

Warning: It’s about to get real.  Each time chemo gets harder.  I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s true.  It helps to say it.  It makes me realize its real and not just a delusion.  There used to be a time when I would go to chemo and feel ok-ish Monday and Tuesday.  (Thursdays have never been my friend.)  Now, Monday is hard.  I’m tired.  Have you ever been so drained that when you walked you wondered if your legs would support you?  Really think about it.  All you have to do is make it to the bedroom.  Not that many steps.  As you stand up you think “Oooo, that’s different”.  You take a few steps and you notice you knees don’t feel all that stable.  They wobble a little.  As you continue to walk breathing becomes more labored.  (No joke, the breathing part is a little scary but it goes away as soon as you sit.)  You’re only going from the couch to the bedroom.  It should be easy.  Easy is overrated.  Perseverance pushes on.

I do miss the days when chemo was easier; however, I realize that things are hard for a reason.  We go through them for a reason.  We come out stronger for it in the end.  No, we didn’t ask for it, but it chose us for some reason.  I know each time my knees wobble and my breathing is labored that I’m a stronger person.  I’m closer to my friends, my family, my husband, God, and I’m closer to myself.  Yeah, it’s about to get real.  I live to be “real”, authentic, persistent because I’m a stronger person because of each weakness that becomes apparent. 

To be honest, I’m not sure where all this drive comes from.  Somewhere deep inside me, when I am the weakest, it pulls me out of grief and loneliness and reminds me that I can do this.  We were never promised happiness, but we are promised joy in our struggles.  I am joyful.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not always the poster child for joyfulness and I do tend to play devil’s advocate and appreciate snarkiness on all levels, but I am joyful.  At the end of the day, no matter how I feel, I have joy and peace. 

Since I am experiencing more and more impairment of motor skills due to chemo and chemo brain (real thing people, real thing) I am considering getting a walker.  I noticed a lady at chemo today that had a walker with a built in seat.  That is so cool.  I could walk a little ways and then take a break.  It would eliminate my possible passing out in public places.  Unfortunately walkers have a stigma.  It wouldn’t look “cool” to be trotting around town with my walker.  What about a cane?  Pimp hat and a cane.  I do like to wear hats. 

I’m not feeling fabulous but I’m pushing through – “this too shall pass”.  I’ve already shared what I would like to eat earlier, but now I’m not really feeling anything.  Maybe some coffee.  I have a new song for the moment.  I LOVE LOVE this song.  Christy Nockels, “Healing is in Your Hands”.  “No sickness, no secret, no chain is strong enough.”  Music has always meant a lot to me - it makes me happy and speaks to me on a certain level.  If you're able to listen to the link give it a try.  It means a lot to me. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Healing+Is+In+Your+Hands/2Ff9fM?src=5

Night y’all!