Scan News and Next Steps

Hey Hey!  Well….things don’t always go the way we plan.

I went to see my oncologist on Monday to get my results from my PET/CT scan.  I think in my mind I prepared for either result – cancer had decreased and I was clear to have surgery to have it all removed or continuing chemotherapy.  I really wanted him to tell me, “Its much smaller and you can have surgery to remove it all now.”  Though, in the back of my mind I was prepared to hear the opposite.

Monday morning I dressed up (because if you get bad news the last thing you want to be is frumpy!), dropped Ellis off at my friend Sara’s house to play with some other little people, and headed to Georgia Cancer.  Todd met me and we waited to meet with the doctor.  Anticipation is the worst part – even worse than the actual news! 

My oncologist came into the room and told us the news.  My cancer isn’t worse but it’s not better.  The tumors are still in the same place and are still relatively the same size.  At that moment all I honestly thought was “hunh….”  I really didn’t think anything.  I didn’t burst out crying or get angry.  I didn’t start to freak out or talk uncontrollably.  It was surreal. 

So, then we talked about what my new path is.  The oncologist said that I had 2 options and they aren’t exclusive – surgery and chemotherapy.  He recommended that I see my GYN oncologist and a surgical oncologist to talk about surgery for debulking.  Debulking would mean that they would go in and remove what tumors they can.  They may not be able to remove all the tumor but they would remove what is able to come out at the time.  Then, I would continue with chemo because I would still have some tumor left.  I will do some more chemo before the surgery because I don’t need to stop for too long and we don’t know how quickly I will be able to have surgery.  The timing on my surgery will depend on if I chose to use my GYN oncologist or a surgical oncologist. 

To be honest the news isn’t bothering me as much as you would think.  I think it is because in the back of my mind I thought that this might be the case though I hoped and prayed it would be different.  I also think that it’s good that it hasn’t gotten worse.  I tend to deal with things better if I have a clear path.  And, I have a clear path.  I’m meeting with surgeons next week and I’m starting back to chemo.  I’m actively doing something to fight this.

I start back to chemo this coming Monday.  I’ll be doing a different mixture of chemo drugs to see if my cancer responds better.  Basically I’ll do chemo, have surgery sometime to debulk my tumors, and then probably finish chemo and have another scan.  It’s pretty much the same circle as before.

Now I don’t want all of you to be sad and feel sorry for me.  I’m more than capable of feeling sorry for myself from time to time.  I feel great right now.  I’m optimistic of my path and am going to just keep on pushing!

A View from the Valley

Not going to lie, I cried a few times this past week.  You might think “Why on earth were you crying?  Chemo is over!”  True, I have a lot to be hopeful about; but, I think that is it – hopeful.  I don’t want to be hopeful, I want to be certain.  But….it’s more than that too. 

Last week I had my last chemo treatment.  Apparently the drugs knew that this might be the last time they would get a hold of me so they stepped up their game and kicked my butt!  If that is truly the last time I have chemo then I don’t mind, but if I have to keep having chemo I am scared of what further treatment might do to my stamina. 

I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to have a tough time and potentially cry it happens at night.  I go to bed early because I simply don’t have the strength to stay awake, take care of Ellis, or talk to even my family.  That, in itself is hard.  Fortunately I don’t feel too bad about Ellis because Todd takes great care of him and both of our families and friends help out a lot.  So there I am lying in bed, feeling tired and slightly sick and I start to think.  Thinking is what gets me in trouble.  I think about how I feel and wonder what it might be like if I have to keep having chemo.  Then I think about the other alternative – surgery.  It’s a catch 22 – chemo or surgery.  Yes, surgery is the happier alternative because it means that the chemo has worked, but think about it for a minute.  Surgery isn’t fun either.  The effects of surgery do wear off and the cancer would be out of my body, but it also takes a lot out of a person.  That is the point that wares me down.  I don’t want to have chemo but I don’t want to have surgery (possibly multiple) either!  All of it scares me.  At the end of the day, at my lowest point, I’m a scared little girl. 

Why can’t things be easy?  That is the question I ask myself and yell to God from time to time.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of having a hard road ahead of me.  I’m tired of having to be strong because it’s always there in the back of my mind – what if it returns again?  It did already.  What if this is just my life now? 

That honestly is where I go.  That is my low point, and I don’t feel bad about it.  To be honest I think I deserve to wallow in self pity just a little. We all do from time to time.

I think about Todd, about Ellis, about my friends and family and that gives me some strength to keep going.  But, do you know what really pulls me out of my funk?  Anger.  Anger that I  would let the cancer win, take over my life, and crush my joy.  Nope.  Not gonna happen.  That is when I say to myself “surrender is not a option”.  Cancer may come after me; let’s just put it out there, cancer may defeat me but one thing I will never do is surrender.

That is one thing that cancer has given me – an overwhelming desire to fight.  I think cancer does that for a lot of people.  It shows us how strong we are, how strong we can be. 

So now I wait.  I have to wait to learn if I can have surgery or if I need more chemo.  Waiting sucks, but if I have to wait that’s what I’ll do. 

Thanks for listening.

The Picture of Cancer

What does cancer really look like….?  I mean, think about it.  What do you think of when you think of a person who has cancer?  Visible hair loss, sallow complexion, oxygen tanks, completely drained demeanor….?  I think that society as a whole thinks of cancer patients that we see depicted on television.  But do real people ever look like that?

I’ve had many people tell me that I don’t look like I have cancer.  On one side I’m glad.  I don’t want to look like I have a tumor inside me.  On the other hand I’m disappointed.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not disappointed that I don’t look sick.  I’m disappointed because cancer is something very real to me.  It is something that I live with and deal with every day at this point.  To be told that I don’t look like I have cancer sometimes makes me feel like what I’m going through doesn’t seem that serious to others.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want someone to walk up to me and say “Girl, you look like crap.  You must have a huge tumor!”  I know people mean well, I’m just sharing how my mind twists things from time to time.  Don’t we all have certain things that we interpret differently than what is meant by the speaker?  Last time I checked we are all human, so the answer is an emphatic “Yes”.

I am always amazed when I go to chemo.  I’m amazed at the sheer amount of people at the cancer center.  There are always more than I would expect.  I am constantly amazed at how many people experience ca ncer at one point in their lives. 

I am a people watcher, so I like to check out the people I’m sharing this experience with.  I would say there is an even 50/50 split of people who have hair and people who don’t.  Some are guys and some are women.  Not all chemo patients lose their hair.  Most people at chemo look good.  They are dressed nice and I can’t distinguish which person has cancer and which person is their friend there for moral support.  Some people walk normally when they are called while others meander slowly to the nurses.  Some people do have oxygen, but most don’t.  I find that most chemo patients are older, but there are some younger ones too (I consider myself one of the younger ones!).  Even being a cancer patient myself I can’t look at a person and know if they have cancer or what type they have. 

That is the main reason that I enjoy chemo from time to time – the people and their stories.  I enjoy getting to know others who are going through chemo with me.  I feel like they are my comrades in arms.  We are all fighting the same fight regardless of what type of cancer or what treatment we are receiving. 

The funny thing about receiving chemo is that it is perfectly normal to say “What type of cancer do you have?”  Normally that would probably be offensive to be so direct, but we all know that we are there for chemo or sometimes there are people there for blood disorders.  I tend to be quite chatty at chemo (at least until the drugs hit me) – shocking, I know.  The last time I was at chemo there was a cute younger girl sitting next to me.  She was there with her mother who was receiving treatment.  I complimented her boots and she directly asked me “the question” – “What type of cancer do you have?”  I kind of smiled and told her I had colon cancer.  I don’t mind being asked that question because they acknowledge the fact that I do have cancer and am going through something I can’t control.  I’ve made a lot of friends going through chemo.  I don’t know their names but we always chat and check in to see how each one of us is doing.  It’s nice to talk to someone who is sharing a similar experience, even if it’s just their friend there for moral support, because they understand how what we are going through is hard but it doesn’t change the fact that we are all still people doing life together.

I hope that as you read this you aren’t offended.  I do like to know that others think I still look “normal”, but sometimes I need people to see that cancer isn’t always so black and white.  People by nature hide a lot of things.  We don’t want to seem out of the norm even if we never feel normal on the inside.  And, this applies to any type of sickness, not just cancer.  Consider the fact that more people than even I realize have cancer and not everyone who has cancer fits into the Hollywood stereotype of what a cancer patient looks like.  We all have problems regardless if we show them to others or not. 

 

Chemo, No Chemo, Chemo, No Chemo....

I know, I know…it’s been a while since I’ve written anything.  I promise I’m not falling off the wagon with my blogging.  It’s been a rough 3 weeks for me. 

Chemo, as always, isn’t a pleasant experience and only continues to build up.  Then this past week I managed to get an infection.  Fun times at the Bamberg home.

And to put the icing on the cake, on the day that was supposed to be my last chemo treatment I’m not able to receive chemo because of the infection.  One of my chemo meds (Avastin) inhibits my ability to heal so the RN felt it was best to hold off on treatment in order to allow my body to heal.  But, wait!  I’m not finished.  After having to postpone my final treatment until later in the week I then had to miss chemo for the second time in one week.  One word – insurance.  You never want to be without it (especially in my situation) but it sure can be a pain in the butt sometimes.  I went for my final treatment the second time on Wednesday and wasn’t able to receive treatment because I have a new insurance company and they wanted to review and approve my chemo drugs.  Let’s just say I was not happy.

For weeks I’ve planned out my last chemo treatment.  New Year’s Eve.  Party at Georgia Cancer!  Whoo hoo!  I decided that if I was going to spend New Year’s Eve having chemo I was going to make the most of it.  I picked out my clothes a week in advance.  A nice black cotton dress and sweater, my sparkly gold glitter shoes, and gold accents.  Todd and I even went to Target and got me a new black hat to go with everything (ponytails with headbands are no longer an option – Todd actually said I looked like Smeagol from Lord of the Rings – sad, but true!).  I was going to look adorable!  I even picked up a small 4 pack of New Year tiaras, the small champagne bottles and a Simply Orange just for me – mimosa’s – yum!  Chemo was going to be awesome!  Then my bubble was burst for the first time that week.

On Wednesday I received a call from my oncologist to make sure I was feeling alright and healing well from my infection.  My colorectal surgeon had “fixed” me, so I was feeling MUCH better I was just still on my antibiotics.  My oncologist said that as long as I was feeling good then he saw no reason to hold off on my chemo and I could come in that day.  Once again I had already planned my outfit.  It was more casual/cute – jeans, tank top with an off the shoulder top for a pop of color, cute and comfy shoes, and another hat.  I quickly got all my stuff together in preparation to sit around for 5 hours.  My mom made me a PB&J sandwich and I packed snacks and a Coke.  I sat around for about an hour and a half waiting to see if my insurance company would respond quickly.  Unfortunately it became too late in the day for me to be able to receive chemo anymore and we decided to put off my treatment for the second time that week.  SO upset! – venting moment – I understand that insurance companies need to approve things but I think that in the case of chemo or something serious they should just approve it and figure out the logistics later.  During a chemo week Todd and I have to figure out childcare and rides to and from treatment; not to mention the mental toll it takes on someone psyching themselves up to physically make themselves sick.  To have that put off because of approvals is a little silly. – vent over.

So, now I’m going back to try my hand at my final chemo once again this coming Monday.  My infection has been pronounced minimal and my insurance has approved my treatment so I am good to go! (I hope…)