4/4/11 – Monday, Monday….
If there was one word to describe today it would be dread. I know that sounds harsh but let me explain. I started the blog as a way to describe what was going on in my life. I don’t want to get down on things, but I feel that I owe it to all of you to share what I’m experiencing every step of the way.
Today was a good day. It was Monday of close week which means that I was very busy. I love having a firm list of things that I have to accomplish. It keeps me motivated and helps me feel productive at the end of the day.
So, I was having this great day but the one thing that kept coming to mind was how I was going to chemo tomorrow. Dread. That’s what I mean. Not a total giving up and hopeless feeling but a hollow feeling knowing what is about to happen. Something bad is coming and I can’t stop it. Days like today make my week seem so bright. I haven’t had chemo for 2 weeks now, which is longer than my usual 1 week in between treatments. I have had 7 extra days of feeling great and to be honest I don’t want to give that up. That is what dread means to me right now.
Can you imagine waking up on a Monday knowing that is the last morning that you’re going to feel good for a whole week? I am dreading the rest of the week. How sad is that? I should be happy. I have a lot to be thankful for. My chemo was detected before it spread more, my PET scan showed I have no other tumors in my body, and I have an easily treatable form of cancer. Things could be a lot worse. However, it is hard to keep all the positive in its place when you know you’re going to feel bad. Those thoughts of dread work their way in so easily. How sick am I going to be? Are they going to bump me back up to 100%? I ran a fever last time I was at 100%. How bad am I going to hurt on Thursday? How tired am I going to be? Will the nausea be worse this time? There are too many unknowns.
It’s so easy for me to get down when I’m feeling good staring a week of chemo in the face. There is a point when I’m wallowing in what I’m about to do that I get this surge of strength. I know I’m going to feel bad, I know I can’t control what is going to happen, I know I have to go through this. But. But. I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I need to do this. I KNOW I’m stronger than this.
I don’t know where this strength comes from. I’m generally the kind that gives up when things get hard. Cancer has definitely changed me. I’m not the same person I used to be. I don’t get scared over little things because things can get scarier. I don’t worry over little things because I have bigger things to worry about. I worry over my treatment but I don’t let it define me. I can’t. I can only attribute this new found strength and drive to prayers and God.
Dread is the word of the day. I am dreading this week but I know I’ll make it through because even though I don’t want to go through this I can take it. I have to.
My mom just got into town tonight. She is taking me to chemo tomorrow. We all had the last of the hot fudge sundaes and coffee. If I could have anything to eat right now I would like some fresh fruit. My song of the day is “100 Years” by Five for Fighting.
Night y’all!
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