6/7/11 – Why, yes, I am standing on my soap box again. I can’t help it. It’s pretty and smells nice. I have probably bored all of you to death talking about how tanning beds are bad news, but it is really something that is sensitive for me. I’m going through chemo. I know what chemo feels like. I don’t want anyone to ever have to willingly experience that. Todd shared this YouTube link with me last night. It really says a lot. It’s only 5 minutes, give it a shot, at the least you can watch it and decide that you don’t agree.
I left off my blog with all that I did Saturday. To be honest I haven’t done too much in between. Sunday, Todd and I went and purchased the furniture that I picked out Saturday. We made a run to IKEA for the awesome “IKEA chairs”. Todd purchased one little “U” shaped chair at IKEA that he has termed his “pimp chair”. I’m not sure why he calls it that, it is obvious that he or no one he knows is actually a pimp.
Monday was just a usual after chemo Monday. Tiring. I’m always very tired after the chemo week. It eventually tapers off as the week goes on. I’m feeling slightly better.
As I’m typing this Todd and I are sitting in the Man Cave. Todd’s Man Cave is basically a large TV and speakers. Speakers are everywhere. What is it with guys and speaker systems? I don’t get it. Todd started watching basketball and I made him change because all the tennis shoe squeeking and whistles were blaring out of the speaker to my left. Can’t handle it. He then chose women’s softball and all the cheering fans were in my ear. I cannot watch sports while typing my blog. All the screaming fans are annoying. Todd thought this was humorous. He then started playing PlayStation and I then had gun fire and bombs exploding in my ear – FYI gun fire and bombs are loud, louder than screaming fans and squeaky tennis shoes. I can’t escape it! It only gets louder. If this blog stinks I blame the speakers. Hopefully it gives you a little chuckle.
On to today. Today started out a little wobbly. My legs have become weak through all the chemo sessions. As I rolled out of bed this morning I had to steady myself on the bedpost but quickly regained balance. (Remember chemo brain – real thing people – affects your motor skills.) After I showered and put on some makeup I started to feel better. I headed off to work. I was excited to see everyone and feel normal for a few hours. I became increasingly tired as the day wore on and headed home to work around 2:00. This is where my day goes downhill. After leaving work I found out that someone I knew and see on an almost daily basis had passed away suddenly. I made it home and tried to process just what that meant. It brought up a lot of emotions. I go through a rollercoaster of emotions during chemo week and after and the passing of someone I knew brought all of those to the surface along with memories of my friend and fellow cancer fighter who passed away earlier this year. These last two years haven’t been easy. I’m ready for easy. A few hours later I learned that one of my close friends who is another cancer fighter had gone back into the hospital. I’m not going to lie to you and pretend to be tough. I hide a lot. I don’t like to feel vulnerable and never want people to feel sorry for me – I don’t feel sorry for myself – but this, this is hard.
This is a lot. I feel heavy – not fat heavy, but weighted down. I know all of this is not my burden to carry but it’s hard not to want to pick up the tough stuff and hang on to it for some reason. Maybe that’s just something we do as human beings? Hang on to hard stuff and neglect to appreciate the good? I wrote on my facebook page that I wanted to crawl back into my bubble which is fuzzy and comfortable. That is what I would like to do – escape. But, I have to remember the good. I have to remember that I am a cancer survivor, I have wonderful family and friends, my flowers are blooming in front of my house, I just got new carpet, I am financially stable, I have a car that works, a roof over my head, and joy in my heart. There is a saying – “God is good.” – and the response is – “All the time”. If I give into the weight of the world then I am denying that truth. Yes, things are hard and do not make sense, but God is still good – we are not promised happiness, but we are promised joy. I’m reaching for my joy because that’s all I’ve got to cling to some days.
I know this blog hasn’t been snarky or all that funny, but I needed to get all of this out. Thanks for putting up with me and taking the time to read. If I could have anything to eat I would like a homemade piece of cheesecake or a watermelon – I can’t decide. My song of the day is rather cliché, but it’s “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.
Tomorrow is another day. Focus on the good stuff. Night y’all!
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