I hit Buster?! Nuh,uh.

7/31/11 – Well, it was only a matter of time, but I’ve finally done it.  I ran into Buster.  First off, let me just say that Buster is fine.  I have done this two times now.  I think that’s what makes it so bad.  When Todd goes outside to cut grass he brings Buster because Buster likes to walk behind him or lie under the tree and relax.  Percy is not allowed outside when the grass is being cut because there is no way to monitor him.  Anyway, last Wednesday Todd was working the late shift and woke up when I did to cut our grass before heading in to work.  I get ready as usual – hurried mess running out the door with coffee rushing to my car at the last possible second.  I get in the car and start to back out.  I notice Todd is shaking his head in disapproval as I back into the road.  “What did I do wrong?”  “I didn’t cut anyone off.” “There’s no one behind me.”  “What is it???” I roll down my window and ask what he was shaking his head about.  He says “You hit Buster!  Didn’t you see him?”  (1) No, I did not see him because he is only 2 feet tall (2) I would have thought he would know better and get out of the way (3) This just proves the fact that I need a car with backup assistance.  Apparently I actually ran in to my dog with my car.  He yelped but I didn’t hear it and got out of the way.  He seemed alright to me.  But now I am very aware that I could be convicted of vehicular dogslaughter.  I’m a dangerous person.

Now that my true colors are showing, let’s continue this blog.  This weekend has been another good weekend.  I am still glad to be at home and not be on the road – so over that. 

Friday night I hung out with Yen as the guys were laying flooring.  She and I watched a little Project Runway.  We really took it to the next level by drinking wine, talking about the clothing and other random things, and watching the show when we got board.  I think that is the way I should always watch Project Runway.  That’s just a show you need a girlfriend to talk with about as you watch.  I find that the more I watch the show the cattier I get towards the other contestants.  By the end of the show I’m in full “Oh, no you didin’…!” mode.

Saturday I took it easy and finished off Project Runway in the man room – yes, you read correctly I said the man room.  Todd was at the gym so I thought my chances of not being caught in the act were reasonably low.  I am one of those people who takes notes as the contestants clothing walks down the runway.  I like to pretend that I am right there with Heidi, Michael Kors, and Nina Garcia critiquing the designs.  Fierce!  After watching my show I read for a little while and then went out to eat with one of my neighbors.  We went to Cinco and then wandered through Fresh Market.  ***Breaking News Flash:  The cupcakes at Fresh Market are awesome!  I think they are my favorite. ***

Yesterday early evening Todd has his 6^th grade Sunday school class over.  My house was game central.  I decided to hide out in the guest bedroom and read.  I was afraid that any presence of estrogen might throw off the delicate balance of all that testosterone in the man room.  The guys headed home around 8:30ish leaving Todd and I free for the night.  We finished off the left over pizza from the party and watched a movie – 2012.  The movie was ok, but it was depressing.  It was about the world ending and everyone you liked in the movie and became attached to wound up dying.  Yes, I realize the movie was about the world ending but come on…after a while it just becomes depressing.  Someone has to survive.  It was a movie for crying out loud, it’s supposed to be unrealistic.

Today has been another great weekend day.  I’m not ready for the weekend to be over.  I went to church and then met some of my friends at J. Alexander.  I miss seeing Sean and Vanessa since we don’t work together anymore.  It’s nice to have a good meal and catch up.  Todd made a comment about me going out to eat two times the last two weekends and he never gets to come along.  Come on, Todd.  We could go out just you and me anytime, just say the word. 

Overall, it has been a good weekend.  I would like to sleep some more, but I never want to sleep during the day.  If I could have anything to eat I would like another cupcake from the Fresh Market – maybe triple chocolate this time.  My song of the day is one of my favorites.  The sermon this morning made me think about it again.  “Blink” by Revive.

http://www.reviveband.com/

Night y’all!

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Doctor Days

7/27/11 – Well, I survived.  Over the past two days I have had 3 doctors’ appointments. (1) dermatologist, (2) oncologist, (3) GI doctor.

Yesterday I headed to the dermatologist.  I was scared to death.  I had two spots that needed to be removed, nothing serious.  One was on my neck and the other on my leg.  I have never had anything removed before and was scared of how it all worked.  I wasn’t scared about it being anything bad.  I was scared about the removal part. 

How did the removal work?  Wouldn’t it hurt?  She was gonna be coming right at my neck.  I could hear the Eeeh! Eeeh! Eeeh!, knife coming down on you scary movie noise.  I just knew I was going to be wiggling like a five year old trying to get out of spanking.  It wasn’t going to be pretty.  Yes, I know I’ve had surgery and gone through chemo, but that does not mean that all of a sudden I’m ok with medical procedures.  I am still highly nervous and squeamish. 

So, how did it go?  Like a dream.  I did tell the dermatologist that I was nervous and she said that it was nothing – see the problem is there.  Her telling me that it’s nothing.  I learned my lesson.  If a doctor tells you that it’s nothing or that it will only pinch, it generally isn’t true.  Case in point, my staple removal after the surgery.  I have a healthy distrust of pain levels that doctors communicate.  Unless they have had it done to themselves I don’t believe them.  Can I just say that my dermatologist renewed my belief in doctors.  She was right.  It didn’t hurt at all.  I was a little disappointed.  There I was planning to make a huge show, scream, and wiggle around a bit and none of that was needed.  All my plans out the window. 

After the dermatologist I headed to my oncologist.  I wasn’t really sure why I was having an appointment since I was finished with chemo.  I did think it would be nice to see my doctor and the nurses without knowing that I was going to have to have chemo.  It felt weird. 

I find that going from having chemo to not having chemo is hard.  It’s just over.  Yes, I should be happy but part of me has a problem with it being over.  I had cancer, aren’t I supposed to keep treating the problem so it doesn’t come back?  Aren’t I supposed to see my doctor every two weeks to just make sure that I’m ok?  Just stopping is hard.  Once you stop having chemo it opens your mind to really think about what you’ve gone through.  You have time to actually process what you’ve just gone through.  You realize the gravity of it all.  And then you’re just done?  That’s it?  Are you sure?  I’m fairly certain that I need to keep going.  I think the doctors must be mistaken (since I obviously know more than a professional).

My appointment went smoothly.  I had several questions, especially since my fingers are still numb.  Apparently the numbness should start to go away slowly over the next month or two.  The appointment was just to check my blood and make sure I was ok after chemo.  My white blood cells and platelets were a little low but overall I was good.  Not a bad checkup.  I don’t go back to see the oncologist for 3 months.

Today I went to see my GI doctor.  I don’t know if you’re supposed to be excited to see a doctor but I was really looking forward to the appointment.  My GI doctor was the one who ordered the CT Scan and found my tumor.  She’s the one who told me my results and recommended my surgeon.  I think about her and my surgeon a lot.  They are the ones who solved my problem and through their diligence saved me.  Who knows what would have happened to me without the two of them.

I get to celebrate chemo being over with a colonoscopy.  Glamorous, right?  I have never had a colonoscopy before and had a lot of questions.  They actually gave me a “Colonoscopy for Dummies” book!  I haven’t started reading it yet, but the fact that there was an actual “Colonoscopy for Dummies” book made me laugh. 

The colonoscopy makes me nervous.  My tumor started as a pollup, so what if they found more?  I know they would remove them and there wouldn’t be any problem but there is some anxiety there.  I also have to go through the whole prep thing and people always seem to say that the prep is the worst part.  What people forget is that I have done, and done, and done the prep before my surgery.  I’m a pro at the prep.  I am also a little nervous there because the last time I drank the magnesium citrate I wound up in the ER and the last time I did the whole prep part I became sick – I just have bad memories that’s all.  I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Today has been a great day. I’m glad all the doctor visits are over.  If I could have anything to eat I would like a good deli sandwich.  My song of the day is “Pray you Through” by Sixteen Cities.  I love this song. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Pray+You+Through/2HQQs0?src=5

Night y’all!

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Attack of the killer hot dogs!

7/26/11 – “Hot dogs and other processed meat increase the risk of colorectal cancer and should be avoided completely…” http://www.cancerproject.org/media/news/strikeout.php 

What?! Hot dogs can lead to colon cancer?  Get out!  I heart hot dogs.  Love them, always have.  I don’t care what brand they are.  Beef, turkey, chicken, cheese or no cheese I do not discriminate.  A hot dog is a wonderful, yummy thing that should be enjoyed, not feared.  Hot dogs rule baseball games as the meal of choice.  Street vendors in New York sell them on every street corner.  They are the perfect easy meal that satisfies your hunger and your taste buds.

How can such an American delicacy be bad for you?  Inconceivable!  “American Institute for Cancer Research and World Cancer Research Fund ... scientists announced that when it comes to colon cancer, there is absolutely no amount of processed meat that’s safe to eat.”  Holy cow!  No amount? Zero, nada, zilch, zippo?  None?  Sandwich meat? Sausage? Bacon?!  BACON?!?!  Please not the bacon. 

Do all of you know what this means?  It means that my love for bacon and hot dogs might have contributed to my diagnosis.  I’ve been telling Todd the whole time it was caused by all the stress he put on me making me cook and clean on occasion.  He should have done all the household jobs instead of just most of them.  I clearly was a fragile sole and needed to be pampered and spoiled.  Sham.  It was all a sham.  The cancerproject.org people are exposing me for what I am – a fraud and a hot dog addict! 

If I believed in karma and regenerating back into the world after death I would be doomed to come back to earth as a hot dog.  Thank goodness I don’t believe in the whole coming back part because that would really stink.  I bet I would be delicious though.  

I am going to see my GI doctor tomorrow so I will have to ask her if there is any credence to this belief in hot dogs and other processed meats contributing to colon cancer.  I like to give my doctors a laugh so this should be good for a few chuckles and maybe even some serious discussion.  I’ll report back on my findings.

Monday and today have been great work days.  I have been able to work my usual schedule along with lots, lots of breaks.  If I could have anything to eat I would really like a hot dog with bacon on it – why not? – might as well get all the cancer causing agents in one fail swoop.  My  song of the day has been stuck in my head on replay ALL day long – “Oooo E Oooo, I look just like Buddy Holly, Uh O and you’re Mary Tyler Moore…”  “Buddy Holly” by Weezer.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Buddy+Holly/2xqn2O?src=5

Night y’all!

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Puh-lease...You would have eaten them too!

7/25/11 – Hello all! Friday and this weekend were awesome.  ***Long Blog Alert – apparently I’m very chatty today – LOL!***

Friday I was so proud of myself.  I worked the WHOLE day at work.  Fridays seem to have a more causal work environment feel and I find that I take more breaks on Fridays.  The King of Pop’s (popsicles) came to visit on Friday as well, adding to the relaxation – no, I did not eat a popsicle because it is not on my diet.  Friday was a small victory.  One small step for mankind, one giant leap for Shea Bamberg – some might even say huge.

I headed home Friday a little tired but overall in a great mood.  I had made a yummy dinner of marinara chicken and spaghetti squash – no carbs on the diet.  Todd and I enjoyed our meal and then headed outside to my Adirondack chairs that I had recently neglected to let the dogs run and enjoy a glass of wine.  We hung out and talked while the dogs played and didn’t head inside until it started to rain.  I had planned for us to watch a movie but we were both so tired we decided to go to be at 10:00.  Does that mean that I’m getting old? – going to bed at 10:00, that is.

Saturday was cheat day and I did it up right.  I had mentioned to Todd that I was going to buy myself a small bag of peanut m&m’s and eat them as soon as I woke up.  I tend to say things from time to time just for the sheer shock value.  The m&m’s story was one of those times.  I went to the store earlier in the day to pick up some groceries that we needed.  I looked at the m&m’s and decided that I really didn’t need them.  Later in the day I forgot that my waffle mix needed milk so Todd volunteered to go by the store on his way home Friday night.  When he got home and unloaded the groceries I noticed a small bag of peanut m&m’s.  I smiled and said “I didn’t really intend to do that”.  Todd laughed and said he knew I would eat them though.  True.  Oh so true.

So, there I was with a bag of one of my favorite candies in the house.  I have zero sweet control.  Remember the story about how I ate an entire box of swiss cake rolls?  Self control when sweets are involved is not a strong point.  Peanut m&m’s were in my house.  Under my roof Friday night.  My inner voice was yelling “SWEETS! I need sweets!”  I told myself that I needed to get it together.  Soon it would be Saturday and I could eat all the horrible things that I had planned.  I went to sleep dreaming of waffles and peanut m&m’s with a large glass of milk on the side. 

I woke up at 1:44 to go to the bathroom.  I know for certain that the time was 1:44 because I looked at the clock.  As I looked at the clock and noted the time I thought “hunh…Its Saturday.”  Think, plot, think, plot.  It was already Saturday.  Saturday was my cheat day.  There were peanut m&m’s in the kitchen.  Think, plot, think some more.  Yes, yes, I needed a peanut m&m.  I needed to consume an m&m as soon as possible.  At 1:44 in the morning.  The m&m’s didn’t stand a chance.  No holding back.  I, Shea Bamberg, ate peanut m&m’s at 1:44 Saturday morning.  I don’t feel bad about it or regret it, it was my cheat day.  I would like it noted that I only at 3 at 1:44.  So what if I happened to wake up at 3:02 and eat a few more?

Saturday was a blissfully beautiful day.  It was cheat day and I had already started the morning out right eating my fair share of the m&m’s.  Todd and I then had buckwheat waffles and turkey sausage for a fantabulous breakfast.  Erin, my sister, was in town from D.C. so she and I met, along with Tara, at my all time favorite Mexican restaurant – Ceviche in Roswell (I consider all other Mexican food “fast food” compared to their quality).  We had a great time catching up and just hanging out.   After an extended lunch I headed home to clean – Ooops, I mean slack off – and watch a movie with Todd.  An afternoon of slacking is one of my specialties.  I’m good at it.  Once our resting was complete we headed out to dinner at Taco Mac with Yen and Brad.  We had a good time just hanging out and talking.  Always a fun time with the Gorka’s. 

Sunday was another great weekend day.  We had the Lord’s Supper during our worship service.  I don’t know what it is about the Lord’s Supper that made me misty eyed.  I always find that the music is very powerful while the deacons are handing out the wafers and juice.  Then I also tend to reflect and think about how awesome God is and my own humanity.  I mean, I was diagnosed with colon cancer in December.  Colon cancer is considered the #2 cancer killer because people do not get it diagnosed until it is sometimes too late.  I was stage 3 colon cancer.  There is only one stage above mine.  The Lord’s Supper gets me to thinking about that.  I know my cancer was found and removed.  I know I’ve gone through chemo and am in remission.  But, what if it hadn’t been found….? How scary would that be?   I am truly blessed to have had so many people pray for me and send good wishes my way.  I am blessed to have had great doctors that identified and solved the problem. I am blessed for having had continued care throughout my chemo and still today.  I am blessed to have a great husband who understood me even during moments of weakness on my part.  I am overcome with all of these feeling that the Lord’s Supper brought out.  God is good, all the time (even when it seems that He’s not – seems is the key word) God is good.

So that was my Friday and weekend.  Good times.  If I could have anything to eat I would like a BUTTERFINGER BLIZZARD!!! Unfortunately there is not a Dairy Queen near me and I have been instructed that all other blizzards are an abomination to the word “blizzard”.  I need to get one sometime soon though.  My song of the day is “Hold On” by Toby Mac because it talks about how “those days are through” and pushing through and coming out on top.  That is what I believe is finally happening for me.  I’m breaking through to a small sense of normalcy. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Hold+On/3l8b7K?src=5

Holla back!  ollNight y’all.

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Race, anyone?

7/21/11 – Today’s blog is not going to be as serious as yesterday’s.  Thank goodness!

After learning my lesson yesterday about overworking myself I decided that I should take it slow.  I would love to just jump back in to things but I need to listen to my body and not push too hard.  I told myself that I would work hard in the morning and then when I started (started is the key word) to get tired I would try to wrap things up and head home to finish out my day.  Today I worked at work until 1:00 and then went home.  I finished up work from home and did not feel nearly as burned out as I did yesterday.  Slow and steady wins the race.  Hopefully I will be able to build back up to full days in the office soon but for now my half and half schedule works well enough and doesn’t tire me out.

Alright, now to start talking about a topic that I have neglected for a while…  Some of you may have noticed the alert at the top of the blog announcing the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk, lovingly called the “Diva Dash”.  This is a race that my mom dreamed of while I was still in the hospital.  The goal of the race is to share prevention methods, raise awareness, and to support those affected by colorectal cancer.  75% of the proceeds of the race go directly back to facilities in the local area.  Pretty cool.

I am super excited about the race!  I never dreamed that I would have a race started all because of what I have gone through.  It puts a lot of pressure on me to live up to the expectation.  Throughout my whole experience I have tried to bring awareness to what those experiencing cancer and chemotherapy deal with on a daily basis.  This race is just another platform to reach even more people and have a good time simultaneously.

Some of you may be wondering why the race is in Phenix City, AL when I live in Georgia.  I am originally from Phenix City.  I grew up there, and lived in the area 21 years.  Let me just say that the Phenix City/Columbus area has the best barbeque known to man, friendly people, and a great atmosphere.  The race is taking me back to my roots.  Alabama, baby!

If you love to run (or even walk), want to be a part of the experience and support colorectal cancer I encourage you to check out this race.  http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/  If you’re not a huge runner but like to walk, walking is always an option and I happen to know a few people who have already said that is what they intend to do.  I walked the entire Rumpshaker 5K back in March.  There is no shame in not running, sweating is overrated anyway. 

The race doesn’t start until 9:00 Eastern, so if you’re thinking of coming from out of town a short drive in the morning might not be a bad option or you could check out hotels or bed and breakfasts in the local area if you’d like to make a weekend of it.   I hope y’all will consider participating in the race.  I would love to see all of you and share the experience together.

I have stuck to my diet 4 days in a row now.  It’s going to be a long road but victory is in sight.  I haven’t gotten burned out on the food yet and am really looking forward to my cheat day Saturday.  If I could have anything to eat I would like a cinnamon roll and a cup of coffee.  My song of the day is “Pon de Replay” by Rhianna.  “Run, run, run, run, everybody move, run!”

http://grooveshark.com/s/Pon+De+Replay/2GiLLe?src=5

*I’m going to start posting the link for the race at the bottom of my blogs.  The link will take you straight to Get Your Rear in Gear and the Phenix City 5K race page where you can check out the race facts, donate to the cause, or sign up to participate.

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash! 

http://www.getyourrearingear.com/events/list/2011/phenix-al-2011/

Hitting a wall hurts

7/20/11 – I hit a wall today and can I just say it was unpleasant. 

Today has been hard.  I planned to start working from work full time today.  Finally get back to normal.  The morning passed by slowly (like it normally does at work).  Lunch time came and I nuked my food and headed outside to read and relax some.  The hour passed quickly and soon enough I headed back inside to finish my work.  As I walked inside I noticed I was dizzy.  I got on the elevator to go upstairs and started to feel off balance.  When I made it to my desk I popped a vitamin to try to perk up.  I waited a few minutes and realized it wasn’t going to work.  I was worn out.  I needed a rest.  I needed to sleep. 

I evaluated my options.  I could power through it and be miserable once I got home and probably have a rough next couple of days or I could listen to my body and go home and work and rest.  Every fiber of my being wanted to stay, wanted to be normal again. Every indication from my body however proved that I needed to rest.  Defeated I went and told my manager that I needed to go home.  My work has been very understanding of my recovery so I knew it wouldn’t be a problem.  I just felt like I owed them better. 

I’ve been off work for over 8 months now.  Yes, I’ve worked when I could but I haven’t been back, back to work for a long time.  They have worked through me leaving at the worst possible moment to covering my responsibilities as I ease my way back into a somewhat normal schedule.  Leaving to go home because my body isn’t fully healed after chemo is finally over and done just felt like a cop out.  Like I was letting them down.  No, no one said that, but it’s what it felt like to me.

As I walked out of the building I wondered if I had enough energy to even drive home.  I started crying as soon as I reached the safety of my car.  I realized that I was the one that had lied to myself.  I told myself that I was strong, that I had made it through and was finally finished.  I told myself that I was now normal, that I could go back to life like I knew before and everything would work perfectly.  I lied to me.  Realizing that you aren’t normal after chemo is finished is much different that realizing that you’re not as physically strong as you think during an off week from chemo.  You aren’t going back to having chemo the following week.  You’re finished, but your body is still dealing with the affects of the drugs long after you stop putting them in your body.  In my mind I knew this, but I didn’t want to believe that I would be one of those people.  I was going to be different.  I was going to bounce back quickly and never miss a beat. 

That’s the wall I hit.  It made me doubt myself.  Made me doubt my strength and my positive attitude through the whole process.  “It was supposed to be over.  People say and think that I’m done.  I bought in to that.  Why?  Why, am I not normal?  After all I’ve gone through, can’t I please finally stop?”  No.  I should have known better.  I finally threw myself a pity party.  It was spectacular.  There were a lot of sobs, a lot of frustration, a lot of bitterness.  In the end, there was realization.  That realization was that I was lying to me and I should and did know better.  Things don’t end with the last treatment.  My body is still working through this and I need to listen to what it’s telling me. 

Now don’t feel sorry for me or pity my situation.  I’ve never wanted that.  I write these things to simply share the experience and give you some insight into what people dealing with cancer experience.  Before my life changed cancer was just a word.  If I didn’t acknowledge it, it couldn’t hurt me.  Now, it’s an experience, a lifestyle almost.  I’m back to my usual outlook on things.  I make it.  I still have to focus on the good and push forward.  Surrender is not an option.  Tears don’t make you weak, they simply refine your strength.

If I could have anything to eat I would like some apple pie with vanilla ice cream.  My song of the day is “Keep Your Head Up” by Andy Grammer.  Because that is what we/I have to do – “keep our head up” though it is hard.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Keep+Your+Head+Up/3HKuRr?src=5

Night y’all!

Insanity? That is yet to be determined.

7/19/11 – That’s right, I’m back again making up for the blogging that I lost. 

Yesterday I took it slow and headed in to work around 10:00.  I still have some of those lingering fatigue and nausea feelings.  Todd was my cheerleader and told me to “man up” which helped boost my energy a little – nothing like being slightly insulted to boost your productivity.  I worked until about 2:00 and then headed home to finish working and rest a little. 

Kristina and I went to see the final Harry Potter yesterday evening.  I readied myself for the final movie with a Coke Icee and some friend time.  The movie was great, but I’m relatively sure that you are not supposed to cry during Harry Potter.  It is just not the type of movie that evokes that sort of emotion.  Why is it that towards the end I found myself tearing up?  Um… what was going on?  Ok, let’s face it, I am slightly (denial – highly) emotional lately.  I do have a lot going on but still…crying during Harry Potter?  I’m sure I over analyzed my tearful moment just as much as a psychologist might but I found that all in all my feelings were valid.  It was a sad point in the movie.  The whole movie series was ending with that one movie.  No more Harry Potter to look forward to in the future.  Yep, crying during Harry Potter is totally ok, at least that is what I’m telling myself.

After the movie Kristina and I headed home reminiscing about the “good times” with Harry Potter.  I now need to watch all the movies over again.  I’m not ready to let go. 

Once I got home Todd met me at my car and said “wanna go for a walk?”  Think, think, think… “Sure!”  I changed clothes and slipped on my tennis shoes and we hit the road with the dogs in tow.  Todd and I started our diet yesterday and part of that for me is starting to work out again as I feel better and my breathing improves.  As we were walking down the road it randomly started to rain.  Todd turned to me and said “You just love walking in the rain.”  Yup!  The rain lasted about 2 minutes while Todd and I finished our walk.  Day one of diet and exercise, check.

Now that y’all know all I’ve been up to over the past few days how about a little chemo talk again?  As I have said a 100 times now, I had my last chemo treatment last week.  When I went in I mentioned to my doctor that my fingers were still numb and asked if that was ok.  He kind of looked and me and said “No.  We should probably lower your dosage.”  I asked if the numbness would finally go away after my treatments ended and he said that it would get worse before it would get better and that 13% of people keep their numbness.  Seriously?!  I do NOT want to be in that 13%. 

So now my thumb and index finger are permanently (temporarily – fingers crossed) numb.  It’s not the numb where you could stick a needle in my finger and I wouldn’t feel it but the numb where I look at my fingers and wonder why they aren’t blue.  My two fingers feel like they weigh 5 lbs each and I am very aware of their numbness.  I seriously contemplated calling my doctor and asking if they could do anything for the numbness because it is bothering me so much.  No, it doesn’t hurt, but it is annoying.    Annoying things over time turn into a new form of torture.  It’s like a little drop that falls on your head.  It doesn’t hurt, but after 5 days, after 10 days, after a month the drop, drop, dropping will drive anyone insane. 

Am I insane?  Not yet, but I don’t think I’m too far off if my fingers don’t start to feel normal.  I may start randomly yelling at people or thumping myself in the head.  There is no telling what this could drive me to.  I’m like a caged animal who can see my escape but there is no way out.  Yeah, I like overdramatic statements…

In case any of you are interested in what exactly is going on with my fingers I have pulled some information.  Numbness during my chemo is considered a normal side effect.  During treatment my fingers would go numb if I touched anything cold and over the course of my treatments my extremities would randomly go numb and gain feeling on a whim.  This is called neuropathy. Here is a good article about what neuropathy is, how it is caused, and what can be done to cure or prevent it.  I found the article interesting, especially since it is something that I’m dealing with.

http://news.cancerconnect.com/colon-cancertipscolon-cancer-patients-understanding-peripheral-neuropathy/

That’s about it from me for now.  If I could have anything to eat I would still like a blizzard – butter finger please.  My song for today is “Feelings” because I have lost the feelings in my fingers! LOL!

http://grooveshark.com/s/Feelings/2qiMZr?src=5

Night!

Rainy days don't get me down

7/19/11 – Sorry I have left y’all hanging for several days.  I had too much fun on our mini vacation and then last night I was just plain tired.

There isn’t a lot to report.  Saturday was another rainy day at the cabin.  Todd and I took the dogs on a walk and it started raining on us.  (We all know how I like to walk in the rain)  We spent most of the day reading, sleeping, playing PlayStation and relaxing.  Saturday night we went out to dinner and hit the jackpot.  I love fried mushrooms.  Zaxby’s used to have them but they have changed and aren’t nearly as good.  As soon as I saw the words “fried” and “mushroom” put together on the menu it was on.  I had to have some.  Our dinner was delicious and the mushrooms were good.  After dinner Todd and I picked up a pack of double stuffed Oreo’s and sat out on the pier, watched the sun go down, and listened to “Toes Radio” on Pandora.  There’s something about watching the sun go down and boats ride by that is highly relaxing, bordering on cathartic.  By the time we heard “Margaritaville” the second time we packed it up and headed up to the cabin. 

Sunday was the only sunny day of our mini-staycation.  It figures that the last day is always the prettiest.  Have any of you ever noticed that before?  I think it is some cruel trick of the universe.  It always seems to happen.

So, Sunday Todd and I laid out for a little while.  I started to get hot and dizzy after about an hour so we moved under the shade to enjoy our beautiful day without the sickly feelings.  Mom and Dad returned from their vacation later in the afternoon and we just hung out and talked.  We stayed through dinner and completely lost track of time because we didn’t leave to head home until 8:00.  We didn’t want to leave but responsibility was calling.  Darn you responsibility!  Mom and Dad recently got a new refrigerator for the cabin and Todd and I took the old one to go in our garage.  (I have a serious lack of freezer space)  So, there we were headed up the road in Todd’s truck with our fridge strapped to the back  – classy. 

We made it home slowly without any problems.  Todd and I even managed to get the fridge off the truck just the two of us – I think it was mostly Todd but we can pretend that I contributed.  I have watched wrestling a couple times so I think I have a few power moves.

I am now officially done with treatment.  Feels weird.  I’m taking it slow Monday and Tuesday and then plan to start back to work at work full time Wednesday forward.  Can you believe it?  I haven’t been able to work a normal week since early December.  Hard to believe this day is finally here.

If I could have anything to eat I would like a blizzard – I have wanted a butter finger blizzard since Sunday.  Todd and I started back on our diet yesterday and I am SO going to get a blizzard on our cheat day!  My song of the weekend would have to be “Knee Deep” by Zac Brown Band.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Knee+Deep/3uupeg?src=5

Holla!

Rain on a tin roof

7/15/11 – Happy Friday!  Today has been much better than yesterday. 

Fridays are those in between days.  You don’t feel good but you don’t feel as bad as you did the day before.  Of course I woke up feeling nauseous but at least I was able to eat today.  Fridays are also the days were I figure out if I’m going to have thrush the following week or not.  I’ve started taking my thrush meds when I start getting my usual icky throat feeling on Thursday to try to prevent any additional unpleasantness.  Today my throat is sore to the touch but there’s not much I can do about it.  Just take my meds and wait.

All of that probably sounds like I’ve had a crappy day, but in reality I haven’t.  I feel better than I did yesterday.  Todd ran to the store this morning to pick up eggs and milk and was sweet enough to get me some orange juice – orange juice makes my throat feel so much better.  We had a late breakfast of toad in a hole – toast with a hole in the middle that you fry an egg in, all of it smothered with butter and enjoyed with a side of bacon.  Vacation – yum!  After breakfast Todd and I enjoyed our coffee and then headed down to the pier.  Today has been a cloudy/rainy day but we took in a little sun while we could.  Todd left to go run and I relaxed and read my book.  The perfect vacation is just relaxing with your toes in the water while reading a good book – not to hot, not too cold, just a light breeze.  Today wasn’t the perfect day, but it was good enough for me.

The day has been pretty causal.  I have enjoyed sitting under the cabin in either a comfy chair or the hammock reading my book and sipping on a Coke.  You don’t get much better than that.  It has been a relaxing day. 

Todd has spent most of his day playing football and trying to build his winning season on NCAA 2012.  So far he is doing well.  It’s funny that he shouts at the game just like he does at the Auburn games on TV, you’d think it was real.

Tonight we are planning to have burgers and then enjoy a movie night.  I am a diehard Harry Potter fan so we are watching the first installment of the Deathly Hallows so I will be prepared for the new movie when I get to go see it.  Hopefully that will be soon.

I know this blog has seemed a little boring but I really am just relaxing and enjoying my mini-staycation.  If I could have anything to eat I would like something cool, maybe some sorbet?  My throat is still bugging me.  My song of the day would have to be something mellow, I’m thinking Jack Johnson… “Banana Pancakes”.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Banana+Pancakes/1pdaz?src=5

I love the sound of rain on a tin roof.  Good times.  Night y’all!

Final Icky Thursday - holla!

7/14/11 – Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight.  I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.  Does it still count if my wish is made on a lightening bug?  That’s the only light outside I see.  I vote that it should count.

Todd took me to my final chemo session on Tuesday.  It didn’t seem real to me – that it is over.  I feel like I’m supposed to keep going.  I do have a follow-up appointment in 2 weeks so that will also make it seem not quite done, though I won’t need a “safe ride” for once.  I like the fact that I have a follow-up appointment.  It gives me some middle ground that I think I really need.  I don’t know what we are supposed to do at this follow-up but I assume we will talk about how my final treatment went and what my next steps are. 

Wednesday was a little harder than a normal Wednesday of chemo week for me.  I spent most of the day in bed trying to relax.  Not too much to report.  Todd and I did manage to get some grocery shopping done for our cabin trip.

Today was and is my final icky Thursday.  I will never, ever, ever miss the Thursdays of chemo treatment. EVER!  I am looking forward to Thursdays becoming the day before Friday once again.  I took a phenergan last night before going to bed in hopes that it would give me a head start to my Thursday which I desperately needed.  Today slept late like I normally do on Thursdays but when I got out of bed it wasn’t quite as bad as usual.  I took my time getting ready and then Todd and I, along with the dogs, headed up to Gainesville for my final pump removal.  I got my usual nausea shot because the day was starting to catch up to me.  I saw my oncologist when I was in the infusion room and he gave me a smile and said “final pump removal!” to which I responded a hearty “YES!” Once the nausea meds started to kick in and my pump was removed I was free to go.  It felt a little sad hitting the exit button and leaving the room for my final treatment.  Victorious, but a little sad.

I felt a boost from my nausea shot and made my way down to the truck to meet Todd and the dogs without incident.  Balance was my friend once again, at least for the 30 minutes that my drugs lasted.  After leaving the cancer center we made a quick stop at my work to drop off a birthday card for a coworker that I forgot earlier and a chemo present for one of my special co-workers who is also a fellow cancer fighter - she is about to start her own battle.  I find that it is always good to be prepared before a fight, even a fight against cancer.  I knew I looked drugged up and tired so I tried to make the visit a brief one, best not to frighten people.

Speaking of frightening appearances… I have had a weird reaction my last two chemo treatments.  The past two Thursdays of chemo I have woken up to swollen lips.  My lips look like I have been getting collagen shots.  I knew my lips felt weird the first Thursday but I didn’t really think anything of it because I normally feel so crappy on those days anyway and avoid mirrors at all cost because I look just plain scary.  I just assumed that it was part of my throat ickiness until Todd said “hey, your lips look a little swollen”.  I checked in the mirror and sure enough – duck lips.  This morning I woke up and instantly felt them.  They were huge.  I got ready like usual and tried to use the lightest lip gloss to not bring too much attention to my Sha-na-na lips.  The swelling went down some during the day but I am still looking rather voluptuous. 

After dropping by my work Todd and I headed to the cabin for a relaxing last chemo weekend.  Mom and Dad have gone to Jekyll Island for vacation so Todd and I have come to the lake for a little vaca ourselves. So far I have snacked a little because eating a lot feels gross, watched the rain fall, slept, made a wish upon a lightening bug, and am now typing my blog.  I like to say that my real vacation starts tomorrow, today doesn’t count because you’re not supposed to feel gross on your vacation. 

I hope all of you have a great Friday and an even better weekend.  If I could have anything to eat I would like a milkshake or a smoothie to soothe my throat.  My song of the day is inspired by the rain.  It’s been a song that has been special to me since my whole process started.  We used to sing it in choir and I always found myself singing it in the shower, praying that healing rain would fall down on me and on all those that surround me.  “Healing Rain” by Jesus Fellowship.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Healing+Rain/3Qw7n7?src=5

Night y’all!

Last Chemo Treatment - Bittersweet.

7/12/11 – Do you know what today is?  It is my last day of treatment.  Holla!

On December 9^th I went in for a CT Scan.  I was called by my GI doctor on the same day to come into the office to receive my results. - Note: You generally do NOT get called by your doctor to receive your results the same day as the procedure and they generally do NOT ask that your husband accompany you.  Other Note: If that for any reason happens to you, eat a huge meal before you go in.  You may not be hungry but just do it.  You’ll thank me. - Todd and I went to the appointment and learned that I had a mass in my colon.  I was then put on a liquids only diet (reason to eat before going!) and given the contact information for a colorectal surgeon that I needed to meet the following day.  December 10^th I met the surgeon and was informed that I needed to have a colon resection.  He also told me to keep to the liquids diet and to consume copious amounts of Miralax (glamorous).  December 13^th I went in for my surgery and learned that I had not only a mass in my colon but I had colon cancer.  All the rest is history.

So, it is now July 12^th.  Eight months ago all of this craziness started.  It is only fitting that I finish my treatment almost 8 months to the day. 

I am writing this blog from my chemo seat at the Longstreet Cancer Center in Gainesville.  I have bitter sweet emotions.  I am glad to be finished, but how do you just stop doing something you’ve done for 6 – 7 months.  It’s just over.  Mentally that is a little hard.  I feel like there should be some middle ground transition but there’s not.  I would like some way to move from treatment to maintenance, an active recovery period.  It’s just over.  I will have a recovery period, but I doubt others will notice since nothing is really done during it, it just takes time for the chemo drugs to work out of your system.  It can take the chemo drugs up to 3 months to work out of my system.  I am hoping that I will recover much quicker than that. 

I am excited that I am finished because I will hopefully never have to feel the effects of chemo ever again.  I am glad to have had the experience because now I can relate to people who are going through chemo and am more sensitive to the people and the process and am better informed.  I am anxious about it being my last treatment because I know this one will be the worst due to the chemo build up.  I don’t want to feel bad, even if it is the last one.  I always have to remind myself that I can handle it. 

Bittersweet.  Yes, that is the best description.  I’m also going to miss the people.  After ditching my first oncologist and finding Longstreet I have felt at home.  I have come to know and love all the people who take care of me on an every-other-week basis.  I am glad that I won’t have a reason to see them anymore but it’s going to be sad to finally say goodbye. 

Some of you may be wondering what my next steps are after chemo.  I finally have to have that dreaded colonoscopy that has seemed to elude me.  I’m not looking forward to that.  I am looking forward to seeing my GI doctor again since I haven’t seen her or my surgeon since the beginning of my journey.  I feel like they are the ones that “fixed” me.  I still remember sitting in my GI doctor’s office and her promising me that together we would find out what was wrong with me.  It wasn’t anywhere near what either of us thought.  She has since told me that she will never make that promise again.  I don’t see why not.  In my eyes she did fix me.  I will head back to my oncologist to discuss my next steps a few weeks after my final treatment.  I will then be put on a 3 month rotation for 2 years.  Not too bad.  I will have to have my port flushed every 6 weeks until it is removed.  I will have a CT Scan in December (just like last year) and once that comes back clear I will schedule the outpatient surgery to have my port removed.  And that’s it.  That’s my game plan.  Hopefully everything will go as planned though life likes to throw us curve balls.

I am starting to get really hungry and I haven’t even started my chemo meds.  I would love some chicken salad. My song of the day is “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed.  Kinda over the top, but it is my last week of chemo and I am a diva, right?

http://grooveshark.com/s/Down+With+The+Sickness/3Tha0B?src=5

Night y’all!