Checking In

How am I doing? I can honestly say that I am doing great! No, every day is not perfect. I do still get stressed out and have my moments, but I’m doing good.

How am I feeling? I am feeling great! My numbness is slowly starting to go away. I still have numbness in my finger tips and my toes but it is no longer getting worse. I think part of me has gotten accustomed to the lack of feeling but I do also think that the feeling is starting to return. It doesn’t hurt like it used to and basically doesn’t bother me more than an occasional annoyance.

I am finally feeling like I’m back in my grove at work. I don’t feel as sluggish mentally as I did at first which is a blessing. I do still get tired but I try to get to bed early so I am well rested.

What have I been up to? I have been busy, busy, busy! I have been working, exercising, reading, and getting back in the swing of an active household. I am now a participant again and not just a spectator. I’ve had a renewed push at work and have found myself out pacing my expectations. I have read several books and still love getting lost in a good novel. I try to go to the gym 5 times a week and though I don’t always see the number results I would like I enjoy the exercise.

I’ve been busy at church hanging out with the middle school girls which is always a treat. We recently finished an entire weekend geared toward them. They wore me out!

I have been to the doctor for my 3 month check up and was pronounced “normal”. I saw my dermatologist and had a questionable spot removed from my leg – That is quite a story. I nearly passed out 3 times in the doctor’s office and once on my car drive back to work! Peanut M&M’s and a Coke saved my life! I also went to the dentist and discovered that chemo sometimes can give you cavities and I am a recipient of that lovely gift. On top of all that craziness I am having a CT Scan tomorrow!  No rest for the weary.

On top of all that I have started back to school. I was almost half way finished with my Accounting MBA when I was sidetracked last year. I was nervous to start back but I’m in my fourth week of class and feeling good. I think my blogging has caused me to write too much on my discussion board posts! I’m sure my fellow class mates loooove me….

Like I said, I’ve been busy.

Why haven’t I been writing? Mostly I haven’t been writing because I’ve been busy. By the time I get to work, go to the gym, get home, cook dinner, work in the house a little, and do homework I simply don’t want to do anything else. I want to sit. I want to sit and do nothing. I love writing, but it takes a lot of time and it’s not easy to write when your brain has already shut off.

The other small reason I haven’t been writing is because I sometimes wonder if I have anything worth writing about anymore. When I was going through chemo I had something to share. I had stories that I wanted to convey to people that might not know what it was like to go through surgery and chemo on a regular basis. Now, I feel that my struggles are the same. I can write about them once but who wants to hear that I’m tired day after day after day? I’m working on that - on realizing that people who read want to know.

Am I doing better with the depression? I am doing a lot LOT better with depression. I would like to say that after my last blog about depression that I didn’t struggle with it again, but I did. It got worse and it got worse quickly. I realized that asking for help doesn’t mean that you don’t believe God can’t help you too. He gives us the knowledge to know when we need to say “hey, I can’t do this on my own.”

I do still struggle from time to time but not nearly to the level that I had reached. I have never felt anything like that before and I don’t want to go back there. I understand it. And, part of me is glad that I experienced it so I can relate to others and say “No, this is not a made up thing. It’s real and it’s ok.”

So, to sum it all up– I’m good, I’m busy, I’m healthy, and I’m happy!

Saying "Thank You"

9/22/11 – And the weekend continues….

Like I mentioned before there was a lot that we had to do Saturday.  Once the race was over it wasn’t really over for us.  Todd had to go back in to work so he headed home with Phillip and Tara.  The rest of us headed to the cabin once the race area was cleared.  We ate some of Granny’s famous chicken salad and crashed.  Erin, Mark, and Mrs. Cristi packed up and headed to Lake Martin for the rest of the weekend. 

Funny side story – Erin and Mark had flown down from D.C. and got a rental car in Atlanta.  The rental company originally gave them a minivan, which I think is hilarious.  Mark had reserved a regular midsized car.  He went back inside and asked if the minivan was supposed to be his and, if so, was there something else he could get.  They got a red, convertible Mustang.  It was very pretty.  Well, Mark was packing the car that Saturday after the race so they could head to Lake Martin.  All of a sudden he saw a hind end and brown legs launch past him.  He looked up and Buster was sitting in the back seat of the Mustang like he was part of the luggage and didn’t need to be forgotten.  Seeing Buster sitting in the Mustang was quite funny. That Buster, he loves to ride! 

After the Dixon’s left the cabin we all took some time to rest before Saturday night.  Mrs. Janet and I took a nap and mom, dad, and Mr. Berle watched the Auburn game.  We were able to rest for a little while, but had to get up and go again.  We had been invited to the Brent Schoening Strike Out Leukemia Foundation dinner and auction.  The foundation gave Todd and I a donation when I was going through chemo and still having to pay my out of pocket maximum.  I had written them a thank you note and they asked if I wouldn’t mind reading it at the dinner.  Some of you may be wondering why a leukemia foundation would give a donation to someone who has colon cancer.  Well, the answer is simple.  The foundation is based in Columbus, GA and they also help out people in the local area, which would be someone like me. 

When we arrived at the dinner I realized quickly that it was going to be a big deal.  I didn’t really know what to expect.  I had read online that there was a dinner, a live band, and silent and live auctions.  The goal of the dinner is to raise funds for the foundation.  The location was absolutely gorgeous.  We browsed the silent auction items which consisted of mostly sports memorabilia.  (Todd would have loved it!)  Todd had been in communication with one of the foundation members so it was nice to meet the people in person and finally put faces to names.  Everyone was very nice. 

After a cocktail hour we headed in to the main dining room.  I felt like I was going to a fancy wedding reception and the smell, oh the smell, the food smelled scrumptious.  The five of us found a seat and were able to relax.  We were all worn out from the day and were glad for the down time.  A very nice lady asked if she could join our table and after a brief introduction sat down beside me.  The dinner and conversation were perfect and the live music sounded fabulous.  I didn’t know much about the background of the foundation so it was nice to learn how it started and who it honored.  After dinner I gave my little speech.  I was nervous because I was obviously out of my league, but I think it went well.  Being at the dinner was special for both of our families besides the fact that I had been given a donation.  Both Todd’s family and my family have had family members with leukemia.  It was nice to see people coming together to raise money to support those who need a little extra support.  If any of you would like to learn more about the Brent Schoening Strike Out Leukemia Foundation, the story or how to donate, you can check out their website.

http://www.strikeoutleukemia.com/plaintext/home/home.aspx

All in all, this past weekend was one of new experiences, supporting worthy causes, learning people’s stories, spending time with new and old friends alike, and family.  Even though I’m tired it was a great weekend.  Thank you to everyone who came out to support the cause and also made my weekend one to remember forever!

Race Day! - Diva Dash

9/22/11 – Blogging on…

We woke up early Saturday because Saturday was the race day.  It was the “everything” day it seemed.  We had a ton crammed into one day so we had to hit the ground running. 

I had gotten a special outfit for the race that I felt cute and comfortable in.  It was decked out in blue but wasn’t overly matchy.  Erin and mom flew into town and since I am not much of a morning person I drove a little slower behind them.  We arrived at the race site and immediately set to work.  Mom and I placed race and parking signs while Erin organized everyone and set up registration. Mark was there as our MC and once the sound equipment was set up he started going over his list of topics and presentations.  Mark’s mom even drove all the way from Birmingham to help out.  The inflatable colon from the Birmingham Rumpshaker showed up and Dr. Tidwell from the cancer center came along with lots of information on screenings and colon cancer prevention. 

When mom and I returned from placing signs we were happy to see lots of runners signing in with registration and the police starting to organize their road block after a brief misunderstanding.  I saw lots of people that I hadn’t seen in years and got a ton of good hugs in.  The mayor greeted everyone and then I said a quick hello and thank you over the sound system before the start of the race.  Phillip and Tara showed up along with Todd (who had to work that weekend and decided to surprise everyone) right before the race started.  The runners were all set up and the Central High School dance team was on either side of the runners to cheer them on as I announced “On your mark, get set, (toilet flush sound), GO GO GO!” 

Since I was walking I started 5 minutes after the other runners.  Mom and Tara both decided to walk with me.  Mark announced when the walkers could start and we walked along with many others to the cheers of the dance team.  It was a lot of fun.  There were awesome people encouraging and pushing us on at each turn of the race.  We jogged a little but I had hurt my knee preparing for the race so I was limited on my amount of jogging and there were a lot of hills in the course.  We just kept walking and talking.  We had a blast.  At the end Tara and I determined to finish strong and ran the last part of the course.  We had a photo finish. 

After the runners and walkers there was a kids and seniors fun run.  My Granny and Mrs. Janet both rocked it out and walked all the way around the lake. 

The dance team performed a routine, people could go and look at the inflatable colon and learn more about colon cancer, and there was a jump rope team that was really cool too.  I was scheduled to speak one more time so I just simply told my story about how I found out I had colon cancer and explained to people why it is important to take care of yourself and realize that just because you’re young doesn’t mean it can’t happen to you.  At the end of the day I was worn out and felt like it had been a great event.  Todd had to go back home and I needed to rest and get ready for that night. 

The race was awesome.  It was a great event that raised money for a good cause and the local community.  I got to share my story and see a lot of people that I have missed over the years.  A huge thank you to all the volunteers and everyone who showed up for the race!  Good times….

Preparing for a Race is No Easy Task

9/22/11 – I am committed to getting back into my blogging.  It’s a little hard now that I’m back at work because by the time I get off work, go to the gym and get home I’m tired.  I just want to eat dinner and relax.  I think I’m gonna knock a few blogs out to make up for all the events that have gone on since my last post. 

Since my last post we had the first ever Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash.  It was a busy and fun filled weekend. 

I headed down to Phenix City Friday morning the 16^th.  I was supposed to drop Buster and Percy off at the cabin.  I called mom to see where she was and learned she was just leaving the cabin.  She said she would leave the door unlocked with the alarm on and sent me the code.  I arrived at the cabin to find it locked – great….  In the course of jiggling the doors to see if they were open I managed to set off the house alarm.  (This is apparently the story of my life because I have done this once before at Mark and Erin’s house.)  So, there I was - having just driven over 2 hours, tired, hungry, dogs running all around, and the house siren is blaring at full blast.  I just knew one of the neighbors was going to come over carrying a shotgun and catch me trying to break in.  Not the way I wanted to start my weekend.  I called mom and asked what happened to leaving the door unlocked.  In her rush to leave the house she forgot and just locked the house like usual.  Luckily the alarm timed out and I was able to leave the house in somewhat the same fashion that I found it. 

As I headed into town I noticed a wreck up ahead.  There were police and fire trucks blocking both lanes of the road – great.  I turned around and used my only other option, a much longer road that led me to the highway.  I whipped and wound around the back road wondering how much longer this was going to take me than if the road hadn’t been blocked.  By that time I was flustered and completely over driving. 

I finally made it into town and met mom, Erin, and Mark at the lake where the race was going to take place.  We talked for a minute and then rushed off to Smokey Pig.  I am notoriously picky when it comes to my barbeque.  I even commented once that if there wasn’t barbeque in heaven I didn’t want to go.  My one and only top barbeque place is in Phenix City and another in Columbus – Smokey Pig all the way!  It’s my favorite.  If you’re asked “chipped, chopped or sliced?” you’re eating real barbeque.  If you’re asked anything else, I’m not sure what to tell you – “I’m sorry”, maybe?  We ate quickly and then headed to Granny’s house. 

Mom and I were going to be on the Dee Armstrong Show.  I had never done a TV interview before and I was nervous.  I wanted to look good, stay on topic, and not say “um….” 50 gazillion times.  Erin was our manager and stylist.  She made sure mom and I knew what to say and looked presentable.  The interview was about what all I had gone through and the race the following day.  I thought the interview went well, but decided that I look ridiculous on television.  My eyes were way out of control.  Here is the link for the show if you would like to check it out.  In case the link doesn’t take you directly to it, it is the episode from September 16^th and mom and I are talking in the 3^rd segment of the show.

http://www.wltz.com/category/207449/the-dee-armstrong-show

After the show was over we still had tons to do.  We headed over to Staples to pick up a cash box, manilla folders, and packing tape.  We stopped off at Chill and got some frozen yogurt before going to Party City and trying to jam 50 balloons into my car.  Let’s just say, 50 balloons do NOT fit into my car.  By the time we finished our running around we were all wiped out.  Mr. Berle and Mrs. Janet had gotten into town so we all headed up to the cabin to rest a little and then sort out race day shirts. 

That was basically my Friday.  Busy but good.  Stay tuned for the next blog about all the race day fun.

Details of a Diva

9/13/11 – It is about time.  I am now officially a diva.

You may be wondering how does one become a diva?  Well, this list is not all inclusive but these are a few defining points to becoming a true, all out diva:

1. First and foremost you have to start referring to yourself as a diva before anyone else does.  If someone else calls you a diva before you then you are opening the flood gates to becoming a Mariah type diva which no one wants. You want to be a diva on your own terms.
2. You need something sparkly like a tiara or a microphone.  I have 2 signs that say “diva” and are all blinged out.  I also have a tiara.
3. You have to walk like you own it.  The walk is very important.  It shows that you have confidence and don’t really care what others think.  There are times that I go to the gym and fail to see my friends on the treadmill because I’m too busy workin’ it out.  A little selfishness and self adsorption is needed but remember it is a balance, not a complete take over.
4. You need to have something not because you need it but just for the heck of it.  Like an elephant or an infinity pool in your bathroom.  It’s the whole “she has what?!” factor.  This is a key element to anyone’s diva-ness.

Step 4 was the one point I had been struggling with.  I began calling myself a diva way before my diagnosis and surgery.  I have always had an affinity for all things that sparkle.  Sparkles make me happy.  I’m not sure which side of my family I inherited my strut from but I can’t shake it (or maybe that’s my problem, I can).  I remember being in 6^th grade walking back to class from lunch when another kid said “you walk funny”.  Yep, I had my diva strut way back in 6^th grade.  It was undeniable.  I was born to be a diva.  The only thing that was missing was my elephant, my pool, my outrageously overwhelming possession that would make others say “she has what?!”  I’m not sure if you know this but being a diva pays very little – zero dollars to be exact.  How was I going to afford something grossly unbelievable? 

I sat down and considered my options.  I could get a second job, but that would require work.  I could invent something that others just could not live without, but mascara had already been invented.  Maybe I could do something really cool and draw attention to myself and become an overnight sensation, but I didn’t really have anything all too interesting to share with the world.  I was going to have to resort to other methods.  I was going to have to use my sad eyes. 

I’ve mentioned before that my super power is extra cold feet.  The powers of my frosty feet cannot be denied.  I can have blankets and shocks showered on me at the simple touch of a pinky.  I can banish others to their own side of the bed with one quick tap of a toe.  It’s so simple.  Unfortunately it is still warm in Georgia.  My super power is not at the peak of its power in September.  So, what else?  What other super powers did I have that I could use to attain Step 4 in becoming a true diva?  Wait!  I had forgotten something.  I have another super power.  I don’t use this one too often because it is even more powerful than my extra cold feet.  It is my sad eyes. 

At a young age all little girls learn the powers of sad eyes.  The key is to look so adorably cute and helpless that others will not believe that you have just pulled your sister’s hair or stolen her favorite doll.  I had a lot of practice at this.  It took a few spankings and being found out before I was able to hone in and develop a truly undeniable product.  As I’ve gotten older my sad eye super power hasn’t diminished.  It has quite possibly gotten stronger.  A husband does usually expect to be confronted with sad eyes.  He usually expects push back, determination.  I wielded my sad eyes and Todd was putty in my hands.  My plan was working.  I was finally going to attain my truly outrageous purchase and become a real diva. 

So, what did Todd allow me to get that will have others looking at me in a different light?  A car!  That’s right people.  It may seem really simple, and so what if I needed a new one, so what if it was a great deal and has great gas mileage, so what if I’ll wind up driving it for 10 years?  I am determined for this to be my obscenely outrageous purchase.  That’s right.  A Honda Accord is opulent.  Have you seen the Straight Talk commercial that says “Carrying a toy dog because you feel richer effect”?  Well, I have a toy dog (Percy) and now I have a new car – BAM!  I’m a diva.  That just happened.

If I could have anything to eat I would like a grilled cheese and some tomato soup.  My song of the day is "Glamerous" by Fergie. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Glamerous/3COsTj?src=5

Reminder: The Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk - Diva Dash is this weekend!  It's not too late to signup.  Why don't you come walk with me?  All the cool kids are doin' it.

http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR?fr_id=1063&pg=entry

Depressed Diva

9/9/11 – Hello all!  I am back from my self imposed blog hiatus. 

I took some time off writing because I just wasn’t feeling it.  I just wasn’t feeling anything, to be perfectly honest.  This blog is all about me sharing what I’m going through and being “real”.  Well, it’s about to get real. 

When I finished chemo I went for my usual 2 week check up to make sure that my blood counts were all recovering and talk about my next steps.  As I had mentioned earlier, I asked my oncologist if other patients have a problem with chemo being over.  (Not the fact that they no longer have to pump their bodies full of toxic chemicals but the fact that there is now nothing actively preventing the cancer.)  My doctor said that a lot of patients have a very tough time with treatment being over and a large number struggle with depression.  Knowing that I was not alone in my awkward feelings gave me some comfort. 

I didn’t understand the depression part though.  Why would anyone be depressed that chemo was over?  Anxious, sure.  I could understand anxiety, but not depression. 

My last blog was on August 22^nd.  Since that time I have slowly headed down hill, slipping slowly into the abyss of depression.  The thing I couldn’t understand when I went to my doctor’s appointment earlier in the month was how or why this could happen.  It is now all too clear.  It was actually happening, and it was happening to me. 

I withdrew from people because I was embarrassed that I was struggling now that the "hard part" was considered over.  I didn't understand my own feelings and so I doubted that anyone else could understand them either.  I gained weight as chemo progressed and my last round saw me gaining the most weight.  After chemo finished I vowed to start eating right and working out again.  I started my diet and began walking daily.  I saw results the first week.  The problem began around week 2.  I gained the 3 pounds back that I had lost the previous week.  Week 3 I gained more weight though I continued to diet and exercise.  I started to become frustrated and decided to join a gym to stay motivated.  I have been working out at my new gym for a little over 3 weeks now and all I seem to do is gain weight which does little for my self esteem.  The numbness in my hands began to spread and become painful (it felt like I was constantly gripping a cast iron skillet).  I now have 2 numb hands and 2 numb feet.  The spreading scared me and was something I did not understand because the rest of me seemed to be recovering.   I would shake my hands in frustration willing them to start feeling again.  (Note: shaking your hands does not wake them up, I've tried like a gazillion times).  I struggled with feeling productive at work since I now take a little longer to do something that would have previously taken me 10 seconds.  I battled back and forth over whether I should start back to school or give it more time.  I've never considered myself overly pretty and I've never been the cool kid.  I was fine with that because I thought I was cute and I was quick with responses, I was smart.  My one thing that I had that made me feel good and productive was delayed.  I was suddenly the kid who got the joke 5 minutes after the punchline was told.  I just felt confused, frustrated, and like a failure.  Nothing I did was right.  Nothing I did worked.  I started to not like myself. 

I'm an accountant so I'm used to identifying a problem, deciding on the steps to fix it, and following through and seeing the desired results.  I had a tumor, I had surgery, I felt better.  I had cancer, I went through chemo, I'm now in remission.  Why didn't my problems now fit into the same solution sequence.  I gained weight, I joined a gym, but no payoff.  I had numb hands, I waited patiently for them to get better, but time passed and they only got worse.  Why wasn't it working?  I could no longer fix my problems.  I was faced with the reality that I had something that I could not control.  Sure, we all have things that are outside of our control but with all that I had just gone through that was unacceptable.  If I couldn't control these simple little things how could I control my cancer from not coming back?  How could I start to become normal? 

So there I was....at the very bottom of my well clawing to dig myself out with zero success.  I didn't know what to do.  I could no longer hide how I felt.  I was tired of fighting.  My mask of security was off and I was completely exposed.  Vunerable.  The one thing I never wanted to be. 

Last Wednesday I had a meeting at church.  I left work, went to the gym and then ran home.  I was feeling very down and all I wanted to do was get to the comfort of my shower and let the hot water relax my muscles and clear my mind.  I would have stayed in that shower if the hot water hadn't run out.  I trudged my way to my bedroom and got dressed.  I looked terrible.  My eyes were puffy, my hair was wet and frizzy, and you could take just one look at my face and see that I felt defeated.  Not ideal fashion for leaving the house, but I had a meeting.  I went to church and was quickly found out.  As I was walking in a friend asked me how I was doing.  I just can't abide by the usual "I'm good (smile)!"  I wasn't good.  I wasn't fine either.  I was down.  I was low.  I simply said "Not that great, but I'm ok."  My friend was not taking that for an answer.  I explained all I was going through and all I had been dealing with since the end of treatment.  She seemed to understand.  At the end of our conversation she said, "Can I pray with you?" to which I replied, "sure".  We prayed together and then I headed in for my meeting.  That night before bed I vowed to pray every night.  I realized that was something I hadn't been doing.  I think I was angry with God.  I had finally allowed myself to be angry over the situation and it banished me to my well until I was ready to ask for help. 

You see, I couldn't dig myself out on my own.  I never realized that until my friend showed me the rope that was hanging down the side of the well the whole time.  I was too absorbed in my despair to simply look around.  I was too busy trying to strategise a way out.  The rope (God) was there the whole time.  I had just decided that I was too good for the rope.  I didn't need the rope.  The rope let me fall into the well so why would I trust it to get me out?  Faith.  It's a simple thing but it's sometimes hard to trust.  I needed to get my faith, my strength back.  It had never left.  It was waiting on me the whole time. 

Since last Wednesday I have started praying every day and I can honestly say that I feel much better.  Things are not the way I want them yet.  I am still struggling with the changes to my body and how it affects my weight, I still have numb hands and feet, I still get frustrated when a simple task takes longer than it did before, but I know that it's not a reflection upon me as a person.  It's just something that I have to adjust to and work through.  I'm stronger for the experience. 

I know this has been a long blog and it hasn't been the funniest post or the most uplifting but depression is a real thing that real people struggle with.  I'm not removing the possiblity that I may have more battles with it to come.  I just want people to know that you may not understand it, you may not get it, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a real problem for someone - be willing to show them the rope in their well. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like a vanilla latte and a cake dounut.  My song of the day is "I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin.

http://grooveshark.com/s/I+Lift+My+Hands/3AdG0I?src=5

 

Later!

 

Reminder: The Get Your Rear In Gear 5K Run/Walk - Diva Dash is this weekend in Phenix City, AL.  The race starts at 9:00.  I will be walking and would love to have you join me!  Check out the site to register.

http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR?fr_id=1063&pg=entry

 

 

Self Loathing

 8/22/11 – Well, it has finally happened.  I dislike myself.

I’m sure there are a million reasons for a person to no like themselves.  We live in a society where people are brainwashed into thinking that they are not good enough and we will only be loved if we are beautiful.  Botox, plastic surgery, teeth whitening, and augmentation rule the day.  I’m not saying that doing any of that is wrong, but we have to make sure that we are doing it for us and not for others.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be thought of as cute as much as the next girl.  So much of our self worth is tied up in how others and we perceive us. 

What has me disliking myself on this 22^nd day of August?  Clothes.  Sure, there are a number of reasons that your clothes can make you feel bad about yourself – too tight, out of style, just not feeling the combination of clothing, …  My self loathing is a whole other level of clothes discontentment.  I am unhappy with myself because I’m too matchy.  Yep, being too matchy can be a real problem for me.

When I am putting outfits together I try to get things that “go” together but not necessarily match.  I really am against being overly coordinated.  I’m not a Stepford Wife, no need for all that perfection.  I like to wear things that are fun and mix and match everything.  If I were to ever wear blue shorts, blue shirt, blue shoes, and blue socks I would have to evaluate my status as a diva.

Well, today I went shopping with Bekah to get some workout clothes.  She needed to pick up an outfit and of course I can’t go shopping and just look – it’s not in my nature.  I found a cute pair of grey shorts with hot pink accents on clearance.  I then found a hot pink shirt that would go well with the shorts and looked overly comfortable.  And, thus the matchy matchiness began.  Once we returned from our lunch expedition I placed the clothes inside of my gym bag.  I bought a gym bag on sale the other day that is purple with hot pink accents.  My lock that Todd bought me is purple and my water bottle is pink.  Seriously, I am disgusting myself just talking about it.  I think what makes it even worse is that I’m not a pink girl.  Pink has never been my favorite color.  I don’t dislike it, I just don’t like it the best.  I have very little pink clothing.  Now, in one swoop, I have entirely too much pink. 

That my friends is the reason I don’t like myself today.  I’m not that girl.  I’m not the girl that has to match.  Why?  Why do I find myself drawn to all this pink and purple matchy stuff?  I’ve basically reverted back to being a 4^th grade girl, all I need is Hello Kitty or Pochacco on my gym bag and shirt to make it real. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like some pizza (since we are talking about what I have in common with 4^th grade girls – my favorite food is pizza).  My song of the day is “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Barbie+Girl+radio+Edit+/2UkSHv?src=5

Night y’all!

Weird like me

Funny Face!

8/19/11 – You learn a lot about a person by just living with them.  For instance, I know that Todd: (1) doesn’t consider “straightened up” the same as “clean”, (2) is a complete snob when it comes to sporting goods, (3) believes his teeth are an acceptable cutting utensil and (4) that one pair of socks is able to single-handedly produce game winning home runs.

I mean, have you ever really thought about all the quirks of the person that you live with or even just people you see on a daily basis?  I know you see them.  I know you notice it too.  I happen to know for a fact that one of my friends considers coffee an important piece of the daily food pyramid and have another friend who believes that bleach is the best air freshener on the market.  Each one of us has things that we do or think that are unique and make us all a little odd.  Normal is boring. 

Think about it… What do you do or think that is only specific to you?  I happen to believe that (1) shoes are not an addiction they are a necessity (2) your hair is a way to express your personality (3) putting clothes in a basket in the closet is an acceptable form of cleaning (4) worms are deadly and it is perfectly natural to believe they could crawl into your car and attack at any given moment.  Those are just a few.  I have a ton more quirks to make me stand out and appear even weirder.  After you analyze your habits and start to believe that you are the weirdest person on the planet, trust me, I’ve got you beat.  Take some solace in the fact that someone (even if it is only 1 person) is more disturbed and weirder than you.

I mean, if you think about it, even the "normal" people are weird because not that many people are actually normal.  Think about it.  A normal person might (1) arrive to work on time, (2) wear kakhis and a navy blue shirt (not sure why, but that's just what I envision a "normal" person wearing), (3) drive the spead limit, and (4) have 2.5 kids and a dog.  Now, seriously, think about it.  Do any of those really sound normal to you?  Point made.  Even the normal people are weridos.

If I could have anything to eat I would like a cheeseburger.  My song of the day is "White and Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic.  LOL!

http://grooveshark.com/s/White+And+Nerdy/1N0QzH?src=5

Later!

Greater purpose

8/18/11 – The Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk is less than a month away as of today. If you would like to participate visit http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR?fr_id=1063&pg=entry

and sign up today. I’m looking forward to seeing lots of you out there!

I haven’t felt very motivated the last few days. Maybe my body is having to get used to the whole work out thing? Either way, it needs to stop some time in the near future. Have you ever felt that you needed to do something, to make a difference, to live life to the fullest? Who hasn't, right?  I guess that is what is getting to me. I’ve been through cancer and I simply can’t go back to the way I was. There was nothing wrong with how things were but now I realize there is so much more to life and time is short. I want to enjoy each day and make an impact.

Have you ever sat around and tried to think about how to make an impact? It’s not easy. It’s kind of like thinking about world peace – a good concept but hard to put into practice. I’ve tried to get involved with a support group, I’ve shared my story with Get Your Rear in Gear and all of you on my blog, but it still seems that I need to do more. God can’t have put me through all of this without there being a larger plan. What is it? For some reason I thought this “greater plan” thing would find me, but now I’m starting to wonder. Is there really something that I’m called to do? Was there any reason why I had this happen to me? What am I supposed to do with all that I’ve experienced and learned?

I’ve enjoyed writing the blog and I love talking to people about my story. Those two outlets have made me feel that I’m making some impact, but I want more – I need more. How? How do we know what we are supposed to do? Wouldn’t it be lovely if we were given a roadmap or if we could receive daily texts of what we are supposed to accomplish?

From the beginning Todd has wanted me to think about turning my blog into a book. There are lots of cancer books out there. I’m not sure if something I wrote would be all that marketable, granted I do have a few funny moments, but would it be something that someone would really want to read? I know this seems to be a blog of questions, but these are all things that are running through my head. I’ll give the book idea a shot, even if I write it only for me to have. It never hurts to try, right?

If I could have anything to eat I would like a caramel apple. My song of the day is “I’m Moving On” by Rascal Flats.

http://grooveshark.com/s/I+m+Moving+On/2gQIn7?src=5

Night y’all!

Twilight Zone

Percy!

8/17/11 – One guess as to what I did last night after leaving the gym.

Eeeh (basket ball buzzer noise)! Wrong!  You would only be correct if you said “Drove to Alabama to drop off Percy”.  Technically Todd drove, but I still think the term is correct. 

Yesterday wound up to be a weird day.  Tuesdays are supposed to be normal, bland, boring days.  That’s what Tuesday have normally been for me.  Even when I was getting chemo on Tuesdays they were always just one other day.  Yesterday did not turn out to be a regular day.

I woke up, got ready for work, drank my coffee, drove in to work, got busy doing my job.  I didn’t do anything special.  I wasn’t dressed any different than a usual Tuesday.  I even forgot to pack a lunch.  Normal, normal, normal.  I had plans to go to the gym and then cook a boring chicken dinner.  Nothing special.

My day changed with a simple text message around 11:00.  The text was from my sister-in-law and simply said “Lexi is going into heat”.  Yup, I just threw it all out there.  No hiding it.  My sister-in-law’s Yorkie had gone into heat and she wanted us to bring Percy over to Alabama.  Seriously, how insane does that sound?  Drop everything and drive to Alabama to let her take my dog home.  And what did we do?  We drove to Alabama and dropped off Percy. 

All the animals I have ever had have always been fixed.  We didn’t do puppies or kittens in my house.  You got one animal because you wanted one animal, not 7.  When my mother-in-law gave me Percy Todd said that we should not get him fixed immediately and stud him out.  That’s right, my husband wanted to pimp out my sweet, adorable little dog.  All of that was way beyond me.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  I made it clear to Todd that if he wanted to stud Percy out he would be the one in charge of that.  That did not mean that I would be cut out of the profit though.

So, yesterday after I received and read the text I got a call from Todd.  I thought he was going to comment on how the timing was awful and that he would just have to find another female to breed Percy with, but he actually said to me “I told Ashley we wouldn’t be able to leave until 7:15 at the earliest.”  Hunh?  We were going to drive to Alabama and meet them that night?  Really?  My husband who complains that we are always too busy and never have time to spend on our house was just going to drop everything and drive to Anniston?  I was certain that I had been thrown into an alternate universe where up was down and Todd was easy going.  All because of a little dog?  Ok….but I wasn’t drivin’.

I had an appointment with a trainer after work.  I went and did my workout, then returned home to eat and hit the road.  I slipped further into the Twilight Zone because Todd got off work early and made dinner for us.  It continued to get weirder because he whipped up a delicious buffalo chicken pizza on a week night.  I have found that when your husband gets off work early, cooks for you, and all of a sudden doesn’t care so much about the house getting clean on time you don’t question it, you just go with it.  So, I enjoyed my dinner and then got Percy’s things together and Todd, Buster, Percy and I hit the road to ride to Alabama.

We drove to Anniston, which is half way, and dropped off Percy.  It was an odd expedition for a week night.  It was nice to see Ashley and Jason, but by the time we met I was so tired that I wasn’t very good company.  I fueled up on coffee for the ride home but Todd and I both knew I would fall asleep.  Todd pulled his Green Bay cheesehead out of the trunk for me to curl up with on the ride home.  Little known fact: A cheesehead makes a great pillow.

So that was my day.  Todd became another person, my husband cooked me dinner, we drove to Alabama just to drop off a dog, and I slept with a cheesehead as a pillow.  Yep, yesterday was definitely odd.

If I could have anything to eat I would like another slice of Todd’s buffalo chicken pizza.  My song of the day is "E.T." by Katy Perry.

http://grooveshark.com/s/E+t+/38kPqD?src=5

Later!

Workin' it out

8/17/11 – It was only a matter of time before I joined a gym.

I think I knew once I finished chemo and started my diet and walking program that it would some day fail me.  I just didn’t think that day would come so soon.  For some reason I thought I could diet and walk and see results.  Well, I saw some results but I also saw some pizza and Coke too.

The diet just didn’t work.  No one should deprive themselves of fruit.  It’s just not right.  Of course I’m going to crave carbs and sweet things because I wasn’t even allowed to have the one source of sweetness that’s somewhat ok for you – fruit.  The first week of my so-called diet I lost 6 lbs – awesome, right?  Well, the second week I gained 2 lbs and the third week I gained 3 lbs.  In total I lost 1 measly pound.  Unacceptable.

While I was on vacation Yen mentioned how she had joined a smaller gym and really enjoyed it.  She didn’t feel pushed out of the weight areas by body builder guys and they had a more relaxed atmosphere.  The more I thought about it the better joining a gym started to sound.  I’ve been a member at a gym before and found that it wasn’t my cup of tea.  I didn’t care for all the people; having to fight for cardio equipment; and just how long it took for me to get from work, to the gym, and then home.  It was a bad fit all around.  The thought of a smaller gym became more appealing because I started to see how it might turn all my negatives about a gym into positives.

I did a little research once I returned from vacation and found that there was a gym very close to my work.  That would work out really well because I could get there quickly after work and by the time I left the gym all the after work traffic would have already died down – win, win.  All I had to do was scope out the gym and see if it appeared clean, friendly, and not too crowded.  Upon inspection the gym passed all of my tests – win, win, win.  So, Monday I joined Planet Fitness.  I met with a personal trainer and he designed a 5 day workout plan for me.  I have worked out 2 days now and I am really excited about how convenient and easy everything is.  I just hope I can stick to it and start to see results.

The article link from the Mayo Clinic lists 7 tips to reduce your risk of cancer.  Healthy living is considered the “best revenge” for combating and preventing chronic diseases.  Thus, living a healthy lifestyle can help prevent cancer.  I’m working out and getting back into shape to help boost my odds of getting colon cancer again.  Plus, it makes you feel good – to quote Legally Blonde – “Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.”  Maybe working out will decrease my snarkiness – doubtful.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer-prevention/CA00024

If I could have anything to eat I would like some Greek yogurt.  My song of the day is “Physical” by Oliva Newton John. Hahaha!

http://grooveshark.com/s/Physical/3mzAly?src=5

Night y’all!

Helen Vacation

View from our cabin in Helen.

8/16/11 – I’m back from vacation.

We went to Helen with Brad and Yen.  We rented a cabin on the river and just relaxed.  It was wonderful.

Last week I was already in full vacation mode.  I had zero interest in working, along with the fact that it was an odd week with the colonoscopy thrown into the mix.  By the time Thursday came along I was fully prepared.

Thursday morning we packed up the truck with the dogs and headed to the grocery store on our way out of town.  Yen already had a list made so we picked up everything we needed quickly.  The guys went to the meat market and picked out steaks and burgers.  The guys wound up paying double what we paid on groceries only on the meat!  After our short trip to the store we headed to Bojangles for breakfast – yum – and then hit the road. 

The drive to Helen was nice.  It was a beautiful day and the drive isn’t that long.  Long enough to have a good conversation and enjoy the ride but short enough to not go completely crazy.  Once we arrived in Helen we checked in to the cabin rental office and then headed to the cabin.  We stayed a little south of Helen on the Chattahoochee.   The cabin was beautiful.  It had a ton of outdoor space – deck, hot tub, dog run, fire pit, outside bar, swing, table to eat, and chairs to just relax.  If the outside looked that cool what must the inside look like?  The inside was all pine with a nice kitchen, flat screen TV, and comfy beds. 

We quickly settled in and went to scope out the river access.  We had stairs that led down to the river with a sandbar right in front.  It was the perfect area to park a chair, relax, and read.  The water was never over your head and the current wasn’t overly strong.  The dogs had a blast playing in the water and the guys fished the afternoon away. 

That was basically the way the vacation went.  Yen and I relaxed, talked, and read.  The dogs played in the water.  Todd and Brad fished.  We ate lots of good meals.  The expensive meat the guys bought was worth every penny.  We canoed and kayaked around the area and enjoyed the fire pit each night.  It was a lovely long weekend.  The perfect vacation and I can’t wait to go back. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like a chicken salad croissant.  My song of the day is "Knee Deep" by the Zac Brown Band. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Knee+Deep+feat+Jimmy+Buffett+/3Y9DwM?src=5

Later!

Distressed Driving

8/10/11 – Today is my Friday. 

As of 5:00 today I was officially on vacation.  Not the chemo-not feeling good-just hanging out at the cabin type vacation, but the I am finished with chemo-and feeling good type vacation.  I can’t wait to just relax and enjoy a few days off work to refuel.  Since chemo has been over I think I’ve been running off caffeine and fumes.  We did have a mini vacation the weekend of my last treatment but since I was feeling bad that doesn’t truly count as relaxing. 

This morning I woke up on time on accident.  I guess you could call it a happy accident since our alarm sound was turned all the way down so neither of us ever heard the alarm go off.  I rocketed out of bed like everyone does when they are jerked from sleep to realize the alarm didn’t sound.  Yes, I was technically still on time but that is a heck of a way to wake up.  If there was a way to recreate that every morning I might just turn into a morning person.

I got ready for work and headed out the door before I even heard the bus turn into the cul-de-sac.  (The bus is my enemy on work days.)  Everything was going well.  It was a good morning.  I smiled as I passed the bus headed the opposite direction as I scooted out of the subdivision.  I was early, but I didn’t have to sacrifice sleep.  Sweet!

True to form I hit a bit (quite a bit) of traffic.  I’m not sure what it is about school being in that just makes the traffic so much worse.  Most of the schools are already in by the time I head out the door.  Are that many people late to school or am I just catching the soccer moms on their way back home?  Anyway… I made it through traffic and got on 85 South.  I hit a little more traffic but was still doing well on time.  I had a full 6 minutes to make it work once I got off my exit (more than enough to make it on time). 

I made my usual right turn and then got into the left turning lane.  I always evaluate the 2 turning lanes to see which one is shorter so I will make sure to make the light.  The shorter lane put me behind a Comcast van.  I pulled to a stop and waited for the light.  Since the van was so tall I was unable to see the light when it changed.  I noticed the truck in the other left turn lane was moving.  Why wasn’t I moving?  The van didn’t budge.  It didn’t have any hazard lights on signaling that it had broken down, but it didn’t move when the light had obviously turned green.  I whipped it over into the other turn lane just to get stuck with the red turn arrow.  I looked over and noticed that all the cars that were in front of the Comcast van had made the light but the driver was too busy texting to even notice.  Seriously?! 

I’m relatively certain that texting while driving is against the law.  I’m not saying that I’ve done it before but if I had I would have noticed that the car in front of me was moving let alone simply not there anymore.  I watched the Comcast van with pure hatred in my eyes – it was not one of my finer moments.  That dude had made me late for work because he was texting.  That couldn’t go unnoticed.  He couldn’t not know that I was upset.  I had to stick up for myself.  My first idea was to jump out of my car, beat on his window, and then punch him in the face – have I mentioned that I suffer from road rage?  My next idea was to let him pass me and then see if there was a “how’s my driving” number on the van and call in and report him.  My third idea was to roll down my window and really let him have it, verbal assault baby!  I ruled out option #1 because I might get the cops called for attacking someone.  The van never passed me so I was unable to follow through with option #2.  I was afraid that if I went through with option #3 the guy my get out of his van and smack me or say something mean back and make me cry (you can’t keep your intimidating demeanor if someone makes you cry).  I decided on option #4 – turn around, look the guy in the eye, and scream “What the ‘heck’ were you doing?! Jerk!” at him from the safety of my car. 

After all of that I didn’t really feel satisfied.  In the future if I am approached with that situation again I may just go with option #1.  Sure I may get the cops called on me but I’m pretty sure that my assault would be justified since the guy was texting.  I could say I was trying to perform a citizen’s arrest.  I’m going to need to work on my judo moves so I feel confident taking a dude down.  I’m pretty sure I would have the advantage because what guy really believes that a woman dressed for work in a skirt, headband, and wedges is going to challenge them for their poor driving decisions?  No one.  I would have the element of surprise on my side. 

I made it in to work only a few minutes late.  I don’t like showing up to work upset but that seems to be my theme.  I don’t think I will ever show up to work happy until I am the only one on the road and I’m pretty certain that I wouldn’t even be happy then because it would mean that I’m the only one who has to go into work every day.  I just can’t win. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like some hummus and pita bread.  My song of the day is “Vacation” by the Go-Go’s. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Vacation/32Nmim?src=5

Check out the Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash!