Self Loathing

 8/22/11 – Well, it has finally happened.  I dislike myself.

I’m sure there are a million reasons for a person to no like themselves.  We live in a society where people are brainwashed into thinking that they are not good enough and we will only be loved if we are beautiful.  Botox, plastic surgery, teeth whitening, and augmentation rule the day.  I’m not saying that doing any of that is wrong, but we have to make sure that we are doing it for us and not for others.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to be thought of as cute as much as the next girl.  So much of our self worth is tied up in how others and we perceive us. 

What has me disliking myself on this 22^nd day of August?  Clothes.  Sure, there are a number of reasons that your clothes can make you feel bad about yourself – too tight, out of style, just not feeling the combination of clothing, …  My self loathing is a whole other level of clothes discontentment.  I am unhappy with myself because I’m too matchy.  Yep, being too matchy can be a real problem for me.

When I am putting outfits together I try to get things that “go” together but not necessarily match.  I really am against being overly coordinated.  I’m not a Stepford Wife, no need for all that perfection.  I like to wear things that are fun and mix and match everything.  If I were to ever wear blue shorts, blue shirt, blue shoes, and blue socks I would have to evaluate my status as a diva.

Well, today I went shopping with Bekah to get some workout clothes.  She needed to pick up an outfit and of course I can’t go shopping and just look – it’s not in my nature.  I found a cute pair of grey shorts with hot pink accents on clearance.  I then found a hot pink shirt that would go well with the shorts and looked overly comfortable.  And, thus the matchy matchiness began.  Once we returned from our lunch expedition I placed the clothes inside of my gym bag.  I bought a gym bag on sale the other day that is purple with hot pink accents.  My lock that Todd bought me is purple and my water bottle is pink.  Seriously, I am disgusting myself just talking about it.  I think what makes it even worse is that I’m not a pink girl.  Pink has never been my favorite color.  I don’t dislike it, I just don’t like it the best.  I have very little pink clothing.  Now, in one swoop, I have entirely too much pink. 

That my friends is the reason I don’t like myself today.  I’m not that girl.  I’m not the girl that has to match.  Why?  Why do I find myself drawn to all this pink and purple matchy stuff?  I’ve basically reverted back to being a 4^th grade girl, all I need is Hello Kitty or Pochacco on my gym bag and shirt to make it real. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like some pizza (since we are talking about what I have in common with 4^th grade girls – my favorite food is pizza).  My song of the day is “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.

http://grooveshark.com/s/Barbie+Girl+radio+Edit+/2UkSHv?src=5

Night y’all!

Weird like me

Funny Face!

8/19/11 – You learn a lot about a person by just living with them.  For instance, I know that Todd: (1) doesn’t consider “straightened up” the same as “clean”, (2) is a complete snob when it comes to sporting goods, (3) believes his teeth are an acceptable cutting utensil and (4) that one pair of socks is able to single-handedly produce game winning home runs.

I mean, have you ever really thought about all the quirks of the person that you live with or even just people you see on a daily basis?  I know you see them.  I know you notice it too.  I happen to know for a fact that one of my friends considers coffee an important piece of the daily food pyramid and have another friend who believes that bleach is the best air freshener on the market.  Each one of us has things that we do or think that are unique and make us all a little odd.  Normal is boring. 

Think about it… What do you do or think that is only specific to you?  I happen to believe that (1) shoes are not an addiction they are a necessity (2) your hair is a way to express your personality (3) putting clothes in a basket in the closet is an acceptable form of cleaning (4) worms are deadly and it is perfectly natural to believe they could crawl into your car and attack at any given moment.  Those are just a few.  I have a ton more quirks to make me stand out and appear even weirder.  After you analyze your habits and start to believe that you are the weirdest person on the planet, trust me, I’ve got you beat.  Take some solace in the fact that someone (even if it is only 1 person) is more disturbed and weirder than you.

I mean, if you think about it, even the "normal" people are weird because not that many people are actually normal.  Think about it.  A normal person might (1) arrive to work on time, (2) wear kakhis and a navy blue shirt (not sure why, but that's just what I envision a "normal" person wearing), (3) drive the spead limit, and (4) have 2.5 kids and a dog.  Now, seriously, think about it.  Do any of those really sound normal to you?  Point made.  Even the normal people are weridos.

If I could have anything to eat I would like a cheeseburger.  My song of the day is "White and Nerdy" by Weird Al Yankovic.  LOL!

http://grooveshark.com/s/White+And+Nerdy/1N0QzH?src=5

Later!

Greater purpose

8/18/11 – The Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk is less than a month away as of today. If you would like to participate visit http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR?fr_id=1063&pg=entry

and sign up today. I’m looking forward to seeing lots of you out there!

I haven’t felt very motivated the last few days. Maybe my body is having to get used to the whole work out thing? Either way, it needs to stop some time in the near future. Have you ever felt that you needed to do something, to make a difference, to live life to the fullest? Who hasn't, right?  I guess that is what is getting to me. I’ve been through cancer and I simply can’t go back to the way I was. There was nothing wrong with how things were but now I realize there is so much more to life and time is short. I want to enjoy each day and make an impact.

Have you ever sat around and tried to think about how to make an impact? It’s not easy. It’s kind of like thinking about world peace – a good concept but hard to put into practice. I’ve tried to get involved with a support group, I’ve shared my story with Get Your Rear in Gear and all of you on my blog, but it still seems that I need to do more. God can’t have put me through all of this without there being a larger plan. What is it? For some reason I thought this “greater plan” thing would find me, but now I’m starting to wonder. Is there really something that I’m called to do? Was there any reason why I had this happen to me? What am I supposed to do with all that I’ve experienced and learned?

I’ve enjoyed writing the blog and I love talking to people about my story. Those two outlets have made me feel that I’m making some impact, but I want more – I need more. How? How do we know what we are supposed to do? Wouldn’t it be lovely if we were given a roadmap or if we could receive daily texts of what we are supposed to accomplish?

From the beginning Todd has wanted me to think about turning my blog into a book. There are lots of cancer books out there. I’m not sure if something I wrote would be all that marketable, granted I do have a few funny moments, but would it be something that someone would really want to read? I know this seems to be a blog of questions, but these are all things that are running through my head. I’ll give the book idea a shot, even if I write it only for me to have. It never hurts to try, right?

If I could have anything to eat I would like a caramel apple. My song of the day is “I’m Moving On” by Rascal Flats.

http://grooveshark.com/s/I+m+Moving+On/2gQIn7?src=5

Night y’all!

Twilight Zone

Percy!

8/17/11 – One guess as to what I did last night after leaving the gym.

Eeeh (basket ball buzzer noise)! Wrong!  You would only be correct if you said “Drove to Alabama to drop off Percy”.  Technically Todd drove, but I still think the term is correct. 

Yesterday wound up to be a weird day.  Tuesdays are supposed to be normal, bland, boring days.  That’s what Tuesday have normally been for me.  Even when I was getting chemo on Tuesdays they were always just one other day.  Yesterday did not turn out to be a regular day.

I woke up, got ready for work, drank my coffee, drove in to work, got busy doing my job.  I didn’t do anything special.  I wasn’t dressed any different than a usual Tuesday.  I even forgot to pack a lunch.  Normal, normal, normal.  I had plans to go to the gym and then cook a boring chicken dinner.  Nothing special.

My day changed with a simple text message around 11:00.  The text was from my sister-in-law and simply said “Lexi is going into heat”.  Yup, I just threw it all out there.  No hiding it.  My sister-in-law’s Yorkie had gone into heat and she wanted us to bring Percy over to Alabama.  Seriously, how insane does that sound?  Drop everything and drive to Alabama to let her take my dog home.  And what did we do?  We drove to Alabama and dropped off Percy. 

All the animals I have ever had have always been fixed.  We didn’t do puppies or kittens in my house.  You got one animal because you wanted one animal, not 7.  When my mother-in-law gave me Percy Todd said that we should not get him fixed immediately and stud him out.  That’s right, my husband wanted to pimp out my sweet, adorable little dog.  All of that was way beyond me.  I wanted nothing to do with it.  I made it clear to Todd that if he wanted to stud Percy out he would be the one in charge of that.  That did not mean that I would be cut out of the profit though.

So, yesterday after I received and read the text I got a call from Todd.  I thought he was going to comment on how the timing was awful and that he would just have to find another female to breed Percy with, but he actually said to me “I told Ashley we wouldn’t be able to leave until 7:15 at the earliest.”  Hunh?  We were going to drive to Alabama and meet them that night?  Really?  My husband who complains that we are always too busy and never have time to spend on our house was just going to drop everything and drive to Anniston?  I was certain that I had been thrown into an alternate universe where up was down and Todd was easy going.  All because of a little dog?  Ok….but I wasn’t drivin’.

I had an appointment with a trainer after work.  I went and did my workout, then returned home to eat and hit the road.  I slipped further into the Twilight Zone because Todd got off work early and made dinner for us.  It continued to get weirder because he whipped up a delicious buffalo chicken pizza on a week night.  I have found that when your husband gets off work early, cooks for you, and all of a sudden doesn’t care so much about the house getting clean on time you don’t question it, you just go with it.  So, I enjoyed my dinner and then got Percy’s things together and Todd, Buster, Percy and I hit the road to ride to Alabama.

We drove to Anniston, which is half way, and dropped off Percy.  It was an odd expedition for a week night.  It was nice to see Ashley and Jason, but by the time we met I was so tired that I wasn’t very good company.  I fueled up on coffee for the ride home but Todd and I both knew I would fall asleep.  Todd pulled his Green Bay cheesehead out of the trunk for me to curl up with on the ride home.  Little known fact: A cheesehead makes a great pillow.

So that was my day.  Todd became another person, my husband cooked me dinner, we drove to Alabama just to drop off a dog, and I slept with a cheesehead as a pillow.  Yep, yesterday was definitely odd.

If I could have anything to eat I would like another slice of Todd’s buffalo chicken pizza.  My song of the day is "E.T." by Katy Perry.

http://grooveshark.com/s/E+t+/38kPqD?src=5

Later!

Workin' it out

8/17/11 – It was only a matter of time before I joined a gym.

I think I knew once I finished chemo and started my diet and walking program that it would some day fail me.  I just didn’t think that day would come so soon.  For some reason I thought I could diet and walk and see results.  Well, I saw some results but I also saw some pizza and Coke too.

The diet just didn’t work.  No one should deprive themselves of fruit.  It’s just not right.  Of course I’m going to crave carbs and sweet things because I wasn’t even allowed to have the one source of sweetness that’s somewhat ok for you – fruit.  The first week of my so-called diet I lost 6 lbs – awesome, right?  Well, the second week I gained 2 lbs and the third week I gained 3 lbs.  In total I lost 1 measly pound.  Unacceptable.

While I was on vacation Yen mentioned how she had joined a smaller gym and really enjoyed it.  She didn’t feel pushed out of the weight areas by body builder guys and they had a more relaxed atmosphere.  The more I thought about it the better joining a gym started to sound.  I’ve been a member at a gym before and found that it wasn’t my cup of tea.  I didn’t care for all the people; having to fight for cardio equipment; and just how long it took for me to get from work, to the gym, and then home.  It was a bad fit all around.  The thought of a smaller gym became more appealing because I started to see how it might turn all my negatives about a gym into positives.

I did a little research once I returned from vacation and found that there was a gym very close to my work.  That would work out really well because I could get there quickly after work and by the time I left the gym all the after work traffic would have already died down – win, win.  All I had to do was scope out the gym and see if it appeared clean, friendly, and not too crowded.  Upon inspection the gym passed all of my tests – win, win, win.  So, Monday I joined Planet Fitness.  I met with a personal trainer and he designed a 5 day workout plan for me.  I have worked out 2 days now and I am really excited about how convenient and easy everything is.  I just hope I can stick to it and start to see results.

The article link from the Mayo Clinic lists 7 tips to reduce your risk of cancer.  Healthy living is considered the “best revenge” for combating and preventing chronic diseases.  Thus, living a healthy lifestyle can help prevent cancer.  I’m working out and getting back into shape to help boost my odds of getting colon cancer again.  Plus, it makes you feel good – to quote Legally Blonde – “Exercise gives you endorphins.  Endorphins make you happy.  Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.”  Maybe working out will decrease my snarkiness – doubtful.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cancer-prevention/CA00024

If I could have anything to eat I would like some Greek yogurt.  My song of the day is “Physical” by Oliva Newton John. Hahaha!

http://grooveshark.com/s/Physical/3mzAly?src=5

Night y’all!

Helen Vacation

View from our cabin in Helen.

8/16/11 – I’m back from vacation.

We went to Helen with Brad and Yen.  We rented a cabin on the river and just relaxed.  It was wonderful.

Last week I was already in full vacation mode.  I had zero interest in working, along with the fact that it was an odd week with the colonoscopy thrown into the mix.  By the time Thursday came along I was fully prepared.

Thursday morning we packed up the truck with the dogs and headed to the grocery store on our way out of town.  Yen already had a list made so we picked up everything we needed quickly.  The guys went to the meat market and picked out steaks and burgers.  The guys wound up paying double what we paid on groceries only on the meat!  After our short trip to the store we headed to Bojangles for breakfast – yum – and then hit the road. 

The drive to Helen was nice.  It was a beautiful day and the drive isn’t that long.  Long enough to have a good conversation and enjoy the ride but short enough to not go completely crazy.  Once we arrived in Helen we checked in to the cabin rental office and then headed to the cabin.  We stayed a little south of Helen on the Chattahoochee.   The cabin was beautiful.  It had a ton of outdoor space – deck, hot tub, dog run, fire pit, outside bar, swing, table to eat, and chairs to just relax.  If the outside looked that cool what must the inside look like?  The inside was all pine with a nice kitchen, flat screen TV, and comfy beds. 

We quickly settled in and went to scope out the river access.  We had stairs that led down to the river with a sandbar right in front.  It was the perfect area to park a chair, relax, and read.  The water was never over your head and the current wasn’t overly strong.  The dogs had a blast playing in the water and the guys fished the afternoon away. 

That was basically the way the vacation went.  Yen and I relaxed, talked, and read.  The dogs played in the water.  Todd and Brad fished.  We ate lots of good meals.  The expensive meat the guys bought was worth every penny.  We canoed and kayaked around the area and enjoyed the fire pit each night.  It was a lovely long weekend.  The perfect vacation and I can’t wait to go back. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like a chicken salad croissant.  My song of the day is "Knee Deep" by the Zac Brown Band. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Knee+Deep+feat+Jimmy+Buffett+/3Y9DwM?src=5

Later!

Distressed Driving

8/10/11 – Today is my Friday. 

As of 5:00 today I was officially on vacation.  Not the chemo-not feeling good-just hanging out at the cabin type vacation, but the I am finished with chemo-and feeling good type vacation.  I can’t wait to just relax and enjoy a few days off work to refuel.  Since chemo has been over I think I’ve been running off caffeine and fumes.  We did have a mini vacation the weekend of my last treatment but since I was feeling bad that doesn’t truly count as relaxing. 

This morning I woke up on time on accident.  I guess you could call it a happy accident since our alarm sound was turned all the way down so neither of us ever heard the alarm go off.  I rocketed out of bed like everyone does when they are jerked from sleep to realize the alarm didn’t sound.  Yes, I was technically still on time but that is a heck of a way to wake up.  If there was a way to recreate that every morning I might just turn into a morning person.

I got ready for work and headed out the door before I even heard the bus turn into the cul-de-sac.  (The bus is my enemy on work days.)  Everything was going well.  It was a good morning.  I smiled as I passed the bus headed the opposite direction as I scooted out of the subdivision.  I was early, but I didn’t have to sacrifice sleep.  Sweet!

True to form I hit a bit (quite a bit) of traffic.  I’m not sure what it is about school being in that just makes the traffic so much worse.  Most of the schools are already in by the time I head out the door.  Are that many people late to school or am I just catching the soccer moms on their way back home?  Anyway… I made it through traffic and got on 85 South.  I hit a little more traffic but was still doing well on time.  I had a full 6 minutes to make it work once I got off my exit (more than enough to make it on time). 

I made my usual right turn and then got into the left turning lane.  I always evaluate the 2 turning lanes to see which one is shorter so I will make sure to make the light.  The shorter lane put me behind a Comcast van.  I pulled to a stop and waited for the light.  Since the van was so tall I was unable to see the light when it changed.  I noticed the truck in the other left turn lane was moving.  Why wasn’t I moving?  The van didn’t budge.  It didn’t have any hazard lights on signaling that it had broken down, but it didn’t move when the light had obviously turned green.  I whipped it over into the other turn lane just to get stuck with the red turn arrow.  I looked over and noticed that all the cars that were in front of the Comcast van had made the light but the driver was too busy texting to even notice.  Seriously?! 

I’m relatively certain that texting while driving is against the law.  I’m not saying that I’ve done it before but if I had I would have noticed that the car in front of me was moving let alone simply not there anymore.  I watched the Comcast van with pure hatred in my eyes – it was not one of my finer moments.  That dude had made me late for work because he was texting.  That couldn’t go unnoticed.  He couldn’t not know that I was upset.  I had to stick up for myself.  My first idea was to jump out of my car, beat on his window, and then punch him in the face – have I mentioned that I suffer from road rage?  My next idea was to let him pass me and then see if there was a “how’s my driving” number on the van and call in and report him.  My third idea was to roll down my window and really let him have it, verbal assault baby!  I ruled out option #1 because I might get the cops called for attacking someone.  The van never passed me so I was unable to follow through with option #2.  I was afraid that if I went through with option #3 the guy my get out of his van and smack me or say something mean back and make me cry (you can’t keep your intimidating demeanor if someone makes you cry).  I decided on option #4 – turn around, look the guy in the eye, and scream “What the ‘heck’ were you doing?! Jerk!” at him from the safety of my car. 

After all of that I didn’t really feel satisfied.  In the future if I am approached with that situation again I may just go with option #1.  Sure I may get the cops called on me but I’m pretty sure that my assault would be justified since the guy was texting.  I could say I was trying to perform a citizen’s arrest.  I’m going to need to work on my judo moves so I feel confident taking a dude down.  I’m pretty sure I would have the advantage because what guy really believes that a woman dressed for work in a skirt, headband, and wedges is going to challenge them for their poor driving decisions?  No one.  I would have the element of surprise on my side. 

I made it in to work only a few minutes late.  I don’t like showing up to work upset but that seems to be my theme.  I don’t think I will ever show up to work happy until I am the only one on the road and I’m pretty certain that I wouldn’t even be happy then because it would mean that I’m the only one who has to go into work every day.  I just can’t win. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like some hummus and pita bread.  My song of the day is “Vacation” by the Go-Go’s. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Vacation/32Nmim?src=5

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