Honest Surgery News

It’s time to be real and talk about some things that aren’t always happy. 

I went in for surgery on Tuesday, March 12^th.  I had been looking forward to this surgery.  I had placed all my faith of being “fixed”.  The surgery was for debulking (removing as much of my tumor as possible) and then doing chemo in my belly.  In the pre-op my doctor mentioned he would only be able to operate if he could remove 95 – 96% of the cancer because only a small amount could be handled by the chemo itself.  He also mentioned that only about 4 -5% of the surgeries he does aren’t able to actually be done because there is too much tumor to be removed.  I heard the words but I thought “That will never be me.  This is going to ‘fix’ me.”

The morning of March 12^th Todd and I arrived at Emory at 5:30.  I was taken back to surgery almost immediately.  This was it!  It was going to be hard, but it was going to take the cancer away.  I got my IV’s, relaxed, hugged Todd, and was wheeled off to surgery. 

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery area.  I looked up at the clock and noticed that it was about 1:30.  It was early.  This surgery was supposed to be 5 – 13 hours.  I thought “Oh, that’s great!  Maybe there wasn’t that much wrong with me!”  I did my usual and begged for ice chips.

It wasn’t long until I was wheeled off to my room.  Once in my room I saw Todd and asked the all important question “How did the surgery go?”  Todd looked me straight in the eye and said “Shea, they weren’t able to do the surgery.”  Hunh???!  Todd explained that I had too much tumor in my body to be removed and still function. 

It hit me like walking into a brick wall.  What do you mean?  This wasn’t supposed to happen to ME?  First, I shouldn’t have cancer but I do.  Next, I get cancer again and I’m angry but I make my peace with it.  Then, I finish chemo and get ready to do this huge surgery that will remove the cancer from my body.  All my hope, all my future is wrapped up in this surgery.  This surgery was something big.  It wasn’t going to be an easy thing.  I had signed myself up for something very hard, but even that was denied me for something harder.  Having my body consumed with cancer.

After speaking with my surgeon I learned that I have cancer all in my intestines.  A person can live without a colon, but we can’t live without any intestines.  Unfortunately there is no clear spot on my intestines that could be used.  It is all around the outside and inside.  

I have a large incision from below my breast bone to my pubic bone – it is glorious!  The doctor took biopsies of my tumors which have been sent off to a lab to determine if there is any type of chemo that my cancer responds to.  I have an A-typical type of cancer that doesn’t show up on CT Scans, doesn’t show up on tumor marker testing, and can only really be seen through surgery.  Chemo will never truly destroy my cancer.  Chemo can only put off my cancer. 

So now I wait.  I wait to learn if there is something that can actually get the best of my cancer. 

If you’re wondering how I’m doing – how would you feel if your hope had been ripped from you?  I’m devastated, but I’m making it.  I don’t know what my future holds or even how long my future will be, but I do know that I don’t want to be sad or mad with the time I have.  I try to focus on being happy and enjoying myself.  It does happen.  I am able to be happy, though I do have a lot more down moments right now.  I’m mad at God.  I really am.  I don’t doubt that He is God and that He loves me, but I do question His plan for my life.  Surrender is still not an option – never will be – and there is always room for a miracle.  I’m gonna kill cancer with positivity and not let it control me.  Love all of you!