The Picture of Cancer

What does cancer really look like….?  I mean, think about it.  What do you think of when you think of a person who has cancer?  Visible hair loss, sallow complexion, oxygen tanks, completely drained demeanor….?  I think that society as a whole thinks of cancer patients that we see depicted on television.  But do real people ever look like that?

I’ve had many people tell me that I don’t look like I have cancer.  On one side I’m glad.  I don’t want to look like I have a tumor inside me.  On the other hand I’m disappointed.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not disappointed that I don’t look sick.  I’m disappointed because cancer is something very real to me.  It is something that I live with and deal with every day at this point.  To be told that I don’t look like I have cancer sometimes makes me feel like what I’m going through doesn’t seem that serious to others.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want someone to walk up to me and say “Girl, you look like crap.  You must have a huge tumor!”  I know people mean well, I’m just sharing how my mind twists things from time to time.  Don’t we all have certain things that we interpret differently than what is meant by the speaker?  Last time I checked we are all human, so the answer is an emphatic “Yes”.

I am always amazed when I go to chemo.  I’m amazed at the sheer amount of people at the cancer center.  There are always more than I would expect.  I am constantly amazed at how many people experience ca ncer at one point in their lives. 

I am a people watcher, so I like to check out the people I’m sharing this experience with.  I would say there is an even 50/50 split of people who have hair and people who don’t.  Some are guys and some are women.  Not all chemo patients lose their hair.  Most people at chemo look good.  They are dressed nice and I can’t distinguish which person has cancer and which person is their friend there for moral support.  Some people walk normally when they are called while others meander slowly to the nurses.  Some people do have oxygen, but most don’t.  I find that most chemo patients are older, but there are some younger ones too (I consider myself one of the younger ones!).  Even being a cancer patient myself I can’t look at a person and know if they have cancer or what type they have. 

That is the main reason that I enjoy chemo from time to time – the people and their stories.  I enjoy getting to know others who are going through chemo with me.  I feel like they are my comrades in arms.  We are all fighting the same fight regardless of what type of cancer or what treatment we are receiving. 

The funny thing about receiving chemo is that it is perfectly normal to say “What type of cancer do you have?”  Normally that would probably be offensive to be so direct, but we all know that we are there for chemo or sometimes there are people there for blood disorders.  I tend to be quite chatty at chemo (at least until the drugs hit me) – shocking, I know.  The last time I was at chemo there was a cute younger girl sitting next to me.  She was there with her mother who was receiving treatment.  I complimented her boots and she directly asked me “the question” – “What type of cancer do you have?”  I kind of smiled and told her I had colon cancer.  I don’t mind being asked that question because they acknowledge the fact that I do have cancer and am going through something I can’t control.  I’ve made a lot of friends going through chemo.  I don’t know their names but we always chat and check in to see how each one of us is doing.  It’s nice to talk to someone who is sharing a similar experience, even if it’s just their friend there for moral support, because they understand how what we are going through is hard but it doesn’t change the fact that we are all still people doing life together.

I hope that as you read this you aren’t offended.  I do like to know that others think I still look “normal”, but sometimes I need people to see that cancer isn’t always so black and white.  People by nature hide a lot of things.  We don’t want to seem out of the norm even if we never feel normal on the inside.  And, this applies to any type of sickness, not just cancer.  Consider the fact that more people than even I realize have cancer and not everyone who has cancer fits into the Hollywood stereotype of what a cancer patient looks like.  We all have problems regardless if we show them to others or not.