A View from the Valley

Not going to lie, I cried a few times this past week.  You might think “Why on earth were you crying?  Chemo is over!”  True, I have a lot to be hopeful about; but, I think that is it – hopeful.  I don’t want to be hopeful, I want to be certain.  But….it’s more than that too. 

Last week I had my last chemo treatment.  Apparently the drugs knew that this might be the last time they would get a hold of me so they stepped up their game and kicked my butt!  If that is truly the last time I have chemo then I don’t mind, but if I have to keep having chemo I am scared of what further treatment might do to my stamina. 

I don’t know about you, but if I’m going to have a tough time and potentially cry it happens at night.  I go to bed early because I simply don’t have the strength to stay awake, take care of Ellis, or talk to even my family.  That, in itself is hard.  Fortunately I don’t feel too bad about Ellis because Todd takes great care of him and both of our families and friends help out a lot.  So there I am lying in bed, feeling tired and slightly sick and I start to think.  Thinking is what gets me in trouble.  I think about how I feel and wonder what it might be like if I have to keep having chemo.  Then I think about the other alternative – surgery.  It’s a catch 22 – chemo or surgery.  Yes, surgery is the happier alternative because it means that the chemo has worked, but think about it for a minute.  Surgery isn’t fun either.  The effects of surgery do wear off and the cancer would be out of my body, but it also takes a lot out of a person.  That is the point that wares me down.  I don’t want to have chemo but I don’t want to have surgery (possibly multiple) either!  All of it scares me.  At the end of the day, at my lowest point, I’m a scared little girl. 

Why can’t things be easy?  That is the question I ask myself and yell to God from time to time.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of having a hard road ahead of me.  I’m tired of having to be strong because it’s always there in the back of my mind – what if it returns again?  It did already.  What if this is just my life now? 

That honestly is where I go.  That is my low point, and I don’t feel bad about it.  To be honest I think I deserve to wallow in self pity just a little. We all do from time to time.

I think about Todd, about Ellis, about my friends and family and that gives me some strength to keep going.  But, do you know what really pulls me out of my funk?  Anger.  Anger that I  would let the cancer win, take over my life, and crush my joy.  Nope.  Not gonna happen.  That is when I say to myself “surrender is not a option”.  Cancer may come after me; let’s just put it out there, cancer may defeat me but one thing I will never do is surrender.

That is one thing that cancer has given me – an overwhelming desire to fight.  I think cancer does that for a lot of people.  It shows us how strong we are, how strong we can be. 

So now I wait.  I have to wait to learn if I can have surgery or if I need more chemo.  Waiting sucks, but if I have to wait that’s what I’ll do. 

Thanks for listening.