No more hiding

Hello all!  I know it’s been a long time since I’ve checked in or written anything.  Let’s call it tiredness and denial.  Going back and forth to the NICU and going through chemo wears a girl out and then when a little munchkin comes home that really wears a girl out.  There is also the fact that I just haven’t always wanted to talk about what’s going on – that’s the denial part.  I know I have cancer.  I know I’m going through chemo.  But, actually talking about it makes it some much more real.  And, maybe, just maybe, I’m scared and don’t want to admit it…..weirder things have happened.

Ok, so here’s the deal.  I talk to God in the shower a lot.  Lately my chats have been kind of quiet but today something really struck me.  I have cancer again.  It is what is it is.  I’m going through chemo but no matter how hard I’d like to believe it’s not real, it is.  I can either hide in my tiredness and denial or I can share my story.

There are so many nights that I lie in bed and wish that I was normal.  (I know, so not me, right?)  But, I’m tired of being the one who has odd things happen and I’m tired of being the one who has to be strong.  I feel like I’ve already been there and I’ve paid my dues.  Now is my time to have something simple.  All I wanted out of life was to continue cancer free, have a baby, work, and have some laughs.  Why can’t life be that simple? 

You know, I’ve never been one to accept change quickly.  I’ve improved my adaptability over the years but it’s still not easy all the time.  So, while I was having my talk with God in the shower I came to the realization that this is what He wants me to go through.  And, one thing I’ve learned is that God has a plan for our lives and though we may not like it we can either choose to get on board or hide from it. 

Now I know all of this is my ranting and my beliefs but this is my blog, so I can say whatever I want and you just have to deal with it!  But, I’ve basically said all of that to say this – I’ve been hiding from my life course, trying to deny it or wish it away.  I have cancer again for a reason.  I don’t know what that is, but the least I can do is share my experiences with others.

If I’m going to make this commitment to start sharing more I am going to need you to make a commitment too.  Here are my ground rules:

-          Do not feel sorry for me.  I’ve never wanted anyone’s pity.

-          Realize that sometimes I’m going to be mad or sad and that is ok.  Sometimes people don’t need cheering up, sometimes people need someone to get down in that low spot with them and say “yeah…that really sucks”.

Think you can handle it? 

Alright, let’s get started.  I’m just going to jump right in to the nitty gritty.

First, let’s go over what all is going on.  Here are the highlights:

-          I was diagnosed with colon cancer in December 2010.  Had a colon resection, chemo, batta bing batta boom I was cured. 

-          After my CT scan in December 2011 I was cleared to try to have a baby and after some genetic testing to make sure my cancer was not inherited I was cleared by my OB as well.

-          I got pregnant in March 2012 – Yay!

-          In my first trimester my perinatal specialist found a tumor on my ovary while doing a routine ultrasound.

-          I had surgery in June 2012 to remove the tumor, had 3 MRI’s to make sure I didn’t have cancer anywhere else, and was pronounced good.  Yay!

-          At the end of my second trimester I had a little bleeding, I went to my OB and we discovered I then had a tumor in my cervix. 

-          I had another MRI that showed it was not only in my cervix, but a small part was in my liver as well.  The places were inoperable at the time.

-          I had steroid shots to help boost Ellis’s lung development and had a c-section on September 21, 2012 at 28 weeks.

-          I had a PET scan in October and started chemo.

-          Ellis grew and developed and was released from the NICU on November 21, 2012.

That is my story in a nutshell.  What I’m facing now is 2 more rounds of chemo (I’ve already done 4) and then I will have another PET scan to see if my tumors have shrunk to an operable size and area. 

Let’s talk about this….  Everything that I’m doing hinges on this scan I’ll have in January.  On one side I could be having some huge surgery – a hysterectomy and a part of my liver removed.  On the other side I could be reevaluating my chemo regime and starting more treatments knowing that my tumors are still alive and kickin’.

There are days when I am convinced that my body is conspiring against me and it’s some crazy battle that I just can’t win.  There are other days were I am full of optimism that I’m fine and the cancer will be gone or they will get it out of me and I will be healed and have a normal life.

I’m not going to lie.  I’m scared.  This time is so different because it was supposed to be gone and it came back and because of Ellis – it’s a game changer.  I know that recurrent cancer is much more serious and I stand a higher chance that things might not work simply because I’ve already done this once and it still came back.  What if it doesn’t go away this time?  What if this is a fight I’m not supposed to win?  What if I don’t get to see Ellis graduate from high school?  I know these aren’t good things to dwell on but they are things that run through my mind on occasion.  Wouldn’t they you?

That is where I am.  It’s all out there.  I’m scared, tired, and occasionally in denial but I’m determined to see this through.  I can’t always be down because that is no way to live.  No matter what comes my way I have to just keep on pushing.  That’s what I fully intend to do.  I’m going to be me – happy, sad, or mad, I’ve got to keep going because giving up is not an option.