Ned and Fred are jerks!

Ned and Fred are jerks!

When I first met with my oncologist to talk about my chemo treatment we discussed side effects.  One of the side effects of chemo is hair loss.  With colon cancer you generally don’t lose all your hair.  I was told that my hair would just thin like it did the time before. 

The first time I had chemo my hair thinned but no one other than Todd, Carie (my hairstylist), and I could tell.  I have big hair so it works well in my favor. 

Hair falling out is probably one of the hardest things that I’ve gone through mentally.  I think the reason why it gets to me so much is because I already feel bad on the inside and hair loss is something on the outside that shows what the chemo drugs are doing to your body inside.  There are a lot of ways that I can hide how I feel on the inside by dressing up, putting on makeup, and doing my hair.  At a glance no one would know that anything was going on with me.  But, hair loss is visible. 

Next time your washing your hair imagine this.  You shampoo your hair and as you go to rinse you pull your hand back and there is a large clump of hair in your hand.  It isn’t just a normal small amount of hair that usually sheds but it is like you touch your hair and it just comes loose from its end.  It doesn’t end there.  It isn’t just one handful because your hair is still full of shampoo suds.  It happens each time you run your hands through your hair to rinse the suds out.  Wait!  We’re not finished.  As you towel dry your hair you notice another clump that you could build a small Barbie wig with.  Then you brush your hair.  Aaah!  Why? Why must you brush your hair?  Those spots that you though were tangles to be brushed out aren’t tangles at all.  They are clumps of hair that are just waiting to be freed from the remaining strands that are still holding on.  All you can do is stare at the pile of hair that is accumulating in your bathroom trashcan and wonder how many more strands you have left and how well attached they are to your scalp.  Oh!  And on top of that, it’s not your gray hairs that fall out.  No!  Those stubborn little boogers have an unyielding will to live because they never fall out.  When it happened to me this time all I could do was stare at the hair in my hand, towel, brush, and trash can, sigh, and then let it go.  What can you do? 

The time before I only had 1 bad bald spot on the left side of my head.  I named it Fred.  Why not?!  Fred was not my favorite but I could tolerate him.  This time Fred returned but he brought his friend Ned.  Now Fred is a jerk, but (pardon me) Ned is an asshole!  Ned sits right atop my head and he apparently loves the holidays because he has grown fat with time.  And, like any unwanted guest, he invited friends.  I now have Stanley who is a moderate sized jerk who hangs out on the right side of my head and mirrors Fred and Lucas who is this nice thin spot right along my hair line at the back of my head.  Jerks!

My hair has thinned a lot more this time than it did the time before.  My oncologist thinks that it may have something to do with my pregnancy.  If you were to look at me you would be able to tell that I’ve lost a lot of hair.  I wear a lot of hats and can only wear my hair in a ponytail with a headband to pull the hair that is left over my bald spots.  It’s not a perfect system but I make it work.

I realize there are lots of men and women who lose all their hair.  I should be thankful for the hair I have.  But, in a way I almost feel like my situation is worse because I haven’t lost enough to shave my head and wear a wig but I lost enough for it to be obvious.  See!  Ned and Fred are jerks!

At the end of the day hair doesn’t really matter as long as I’m getting healthy.  I’d gladly live the rest of my life with Ned, Fred, Stanley, and Lucas to come out cancer free and healthy in the end.  Hair, like money, is just a thing.  It’s nice to have but you don’t need it to be happy.