Saying "Thank You"

9/22/11 – And the weekend continues….

Like I mentioned before there was a lot that we had to do Saturday.  Once the race was over it wasn’t really over for us.  Todd had to go back in to work so he headed home with Phillip and Tara.  The rest of us headed to the cabin once the race area was cleared.  We ate some of Granny’s famous chicken salad and crashed.  Erin, Mark, and Mrs. Cristi packed up and headed to Lake Martin for the rest of the weekend. 

Funny side story – Erin and Mark had flown down from D.C. and got a rental car in Atlanta.  The rental company originally gave them a minivan, which I think is hilarious.  Mark had reserved a regular midsized car.  He went back inside and asked if the minivan was supposed to be his and, if so, was there something else he could get.  They got a red, convertible Mustang.  It was very pretty.  Well, Mark was packing the car that Saturday after the race so they could head to Lake Martin.  All of a sudden he saw a hind end and brown legs launch past him.  He looked up and Buster was sitting in the back seat of the Mustang like he was part of the luggage and didn’t need to be forgotten.  Seeing Buster sitting in the Mustang was quite funny. That Buster, he loves to ride! 

After the Dixon’s left the cabin we all took some time to rest before Saturday night.  Mrs. Janet and I took a nap and mom, dad, and Mr. Berle watched the Auburn game.  We were able to rest for a little while, but had to get up and go again.  We had been invited to the Brent Schoening Strike Out Leukemia Foundation dinner and auction.  The foundation gave Todd and I a donation when I was going through chemo and still having to pay my out of pocket maximum.  I had written them a thank you note and they asked if I wouldn’t mind reading it at the dinner.  Some of you may be wondering why a leukemia foundation would give a donation to someone who has colon cancer.  Well, the answer is simple.  The foundation is based in Columbus, GA and they also help out people in the local area, which would be someone like me. 

When we arrived at the dinner I realized quickly that it was going to be a big deal.  I didn’t really know what to expect.  I had read online that there was a dinner, a live band, and silent and live auctions.  The goal of the dinner is to raise funds for the foundation.  The location was absolutely gorgeous.  We browsed the silent auction items which consisted of mostly sports memorabilia.  (Todd would have loved it!)  Todd had been in communication with one of the foundation members so it was nice to meet the people in person and finally put faces to names.  Everyone was very nice. 

After a cocktail hour we headed in to the main dining room.  I felt like I was going to a fancy wedding reception and the smell, oh the smell, the food smelled scrumptious.  The five of us found a seat and were able to relax.  We were all worn out from the day and were glad for the down time.  A very nice lady asked if she could join our table and after a brief introduction sat down beside me.  The dinner and conversation were perfect and the live music sounded fabulous.  I didn’t know much about the background of the foundation so it was nice to learn how it started and who it honored.  After dinner I gave my little speech.  I was nervous because I was obviously out of my league, but I think it went well.  Being at the dinner was special for both of our families besides the fact that I had been given a donation.  Both Todd’s family and my family have had family members with leukemia.  It was nice to see people coming together to raise money to support those who need a little extra support.  If any of you would like to learn more about the Brent Schoening Strike Out Leukemia Foundation, the story or how to donate, you can check out their website.

http://www.strikeoutleukemia.com/plaintext/home/home.aspx

All in all, this past weekend was one of new experiences, supporting worthy causes, learning people’s stories, spending time with new and old friends alike, and family.  Even though I’m tired it was a great weekend.  Thank you to everyone who came out to support the cause and also made my weekend one to remember forever!

Race Day! - Diva Dash

9/22/11 – Blogging on…

We woke up early Saturday because Saturday was the race day.  It was the “everything” day it seemed.  We had a ton crammed into one day so we had to hit the ground running. 

I had gotten a special outfit for the race that I felt cute and comfortable in.  It was decked out in blue but wasn’t overly matchy.  Erin and mom flew into town and since I am not much of a morning person I drove a little slower behind them.  We arrived at the race site and immediately set to work.  Mom and I placed race and parking signs while Erin organized everyone and set up registration. Mark was there as our MC and once the sound equipment was set up he started going over his list of topics and presentations.  Mark’s mom even drove all the way from Birmingham to help out.  The inflatable colon from the Birmingham Rumpshaker showed up and Dr. Tidwell from the cancer center came along with lots of information on screenings and colon cancer prevention. 

When mom and I returned from placing signs we were happy to see lots of runners signing in with registration and the police starting to organize their road block after a brief misunderstanding.  I saw lots of people that I hadn’t seen in years and got a ton of good hugs in.  The mayor greeted everyone and then I said a quick hello and thank you over the sound system before the start of the race.  Phillip and Tara showed up along with Todd (who had to work that weekend and decided to surprise everyone) right before the race started.  The runners were all set up and the Central High School dance team was on either side of the runners to cheer them on as I announced “On your mark, get set, (toilet flush sound), GO GO GO!” 

Since I was walking I started 5 minutes after the other runners.  Mom and Tara both decided to walk with me.  Mark announced when the walkers could start and we walked along with many others to the cheers of the dance team.  It was a lot of fun.  There were awesome people encouraging and pushing us on at each turn of the race.  We jogged a little but I had hurt my knee preparing for the race so I was limited on my amount of jogging and there were a lot of hills in the course.  We just kept walking and talking.  We had a blast.  At the end Tara and I determined to finish strong and ran the last part of the course.  We had a photo finish. 

After the runners and walkers there was a kids and seniors fun run.  My Granny and Mrs. Janet both rocked it out and walked all the way around the lake. 

The dance team performed a routine, people could go and look at the inflatable colon and learn more about colon cancer, and there was a jump rope team that was really cool too.  I was scheduled to speak one more time so I just simply told my story about how I found out I had colon cancer and explained to people why it is important to take care of yourself and realize that just because you’re young doesn’t mean it can’t happen to you.  At the end of the day I was worn out and felt like it had been a great event.  Todd had to go back home and I needed to rest and get ready for that night. 

The race was awesome.  It was a great event that raised money for a good cause and the local community.  I got to share my story and see a lot of people that I have missed over the years.  A huge thank you to all the volunteers and everyone who showed up for the race!  Good times….

Preparing for a Race is No Easy Task

9/22/11 – I am committed to getting back into my blogging.  It’s a little hard now that I’m back at work because by the time I get off work, go to the gym and get home I’m tired.  I just want to eat dinner and relax.  I think I’m gonna knock a few blogs out to make up for all the events that have gone on since my last post. 

Since my last post we had the first ever Phenix City Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk – Diva Dash.  It was a busy and fun filled weekend. 

I headed down to Phenix City Friday morning the 16^th.  I was supposed to drop Buster and Percy off at the cabin.  I called mom to see where she was and learned she was just leaving the cabin.  She said she would leave the door unlocked with the alarm on and sent me the code.  I arrived at the cabin to find it locked – great….  In the course of jiggling the doors to see if they were open I managed to set off the house alarm.  (This is apparently the story of my life because I have done this once before at Mark and Erin’s house.)  So, there I was - having just driven over 2 hours, tired, hungry, dogs running all around, and the house siren is blaring at full blast.  I just knew one of the neighbors was going to come over carrying a shotgun and catch me trying to break in.  Not the way I wanted to start my weekend.  I called mom and asked what happened to leaving the door unlocked.  In her rush to leave the house she forgot and just locked the house like usual.  Luckily the alarm timed out and I was able to leave the house in somewhat the same fashion that I found it. 

As I headed into town I noticed a wreck up ahead.  There were police and fire trucks blocking both lanes of the road – great.  I turned around and used my only other option, a much longer road that led me to the highway.  I whipped and wound around the back road wondering how much longer this was going to take me than if the road hadn’t been blocked.  By that time I was flustered and completely over driving. 

I finally made it into town and met mom, Erin, and Mark at the lake where the race was going to take place.  We talked for a minute and then rushed off to Smokey Pig.  I am notoriously picky when it comes to my barbeque.  I even commented once that if there wasn’t barbeque in heaven I didn’t want to go.  My one and only top barbeque place is in Phenix City and another in Columbus – Smokey Pig all the way!  It’s my favorite.  If you’re asked “chipped, chopped or sliced?” you’re eating real barbeque.  If you’re asked anything else, I’m not sure what to tell you – “I’m sorry”, maybe?  We ate quickly and then headed to Granny’s house. 

Mom and I were going to be on the Dee Armstrong Show.  I had never done a TV interview before and I was nervous.  I wanted to look good, stay on topic, and not say “um….” 50 gazillion times.  Erin was our manager and stylist.  She made sure mom and I knew what to say and looked presentable.  The interview was about what all I had gone through and the race the following day.  I thought the interview went well, but decided that I look ridiculous on television.  My eyes were way out of control.  Here is the link for the show if you would like to check it out.  In case the link doesn’t take you directly to it, it is the episode from September 16^th and mom and I are talking in the 3^rd segment of the show.

http://www.wltz.com/category/207449/the-dee-armstrong-show

After the show was over we still had tons to do.  We headed over to Staples to pick up a cash box, manilla folders, and packing tape.  We stopped off at Chill and got some frozen yogurt before going to Party City and trying to jam 50 balloons into my car.  Let’s just say, 50 balloons do NOT fit into my car.  By the time we finished our running around we were all wiped out.  Mr. Berle and Mrs. Janet had gotten into town so we all headed up to the cabin to rest a little and then sort out race day shirts. 

That was basically my Friday.  Busy but good.  Stay tuned for the next blog about all the race day fun.

Details of a Diva

9/13/11 – It is about time.  I am now officially a diva.

You may be wondering how does one become a diva?  Well, this list is not all inclusive but these are a few defining points to becoming a true, all out diva:

1. First and foremost you have to start referring to yourself as a diva before anyone else does.  If someone else calls you a diva before you then you are opening the flood gates to becoming a Mariah type diva which no one wants. You want to be a diva on your own terms.
2. You need something sparkly like a tiara or a microphone.  I have 2 signs that say “diva” and are all blinged out.  I also have a tiara.
3. You have to walk like you own it.  The walk is very important.  It shows that you have confidence and don’t really care what others think.  There are times that I go to the gym and fail to see my friends on the treadmill because I’m too busy workin’ it out.  A little selfishness and self adsorption is needed but remember it is a balance, not a complete take over.
4. You need to have something not because you need it but just for the heck of it.  Like an elephant or an infinity pool in your bathroom.  It’s the whole “she has what?!” factor.  This is a key element to anyone’s diva-ness.

Step 4 was the one point I had been struggling with.  I began calling myself a diva way before my diagnosis and surgery.  I have always had an affinity for all things that sparkle.  Sparkles make me happy.  I’m not sure which side of my family I inherited my strut from but I can’t shake it (or maybe that’s my problem, I can).  I remember being in 6^th grade walking back to class from lunch when another kid said “you walk funny”.  Yep, I had my diva strut way back in 6^th grade.  It was undeniable.  I was born to be a diva.  The only thing that was missing was my elephant, my pool, my outrageously overwhelming possession that would make others say “she has what?!”  I’m not sure if you know this but being a diva pays very little – zero dollars to be exact.  How was I going to afford something grossly unbelievable? 

I sat down and considered my options.  I could get a second job, but that would require work.  I could invent something that others just could not live without, but mascara had already been invented.  Maybe I could do something really cool and draw attention to myself and become an overnight sensation, but I didn’t really have anything all too interesting to share with the world.  I was going to have to resort to other methods.  I was going to have to use my sad eyes. 

I’ve mentioned before that my super power is extra cold feet.  The powers of my frosty feet cannot be denied.  I can have blankets and shocks showered on me at the simple touch of a pinky.  I can banish others to their own side of the bed with one quick tap of a toe.  It’s so simple.  Unfortunately it is still warm in Georgia.  My super power is not at the peak of its power in September.  So, what else?  What other super powers did I have that I could use to attain Step 4 in becoming a true diva?  Wait!  I had forgotten something.  I have another super power.  I don’t use this one too often because it is even more powerful than my extra cold feet.  It is my sad eyes. 

At a young age all little girls learn the powers of sad eyes.  The key is to look so adorably cute and helpless that others will not believe that you have just pulled your sister’s hair or stolen her favorite doll.  I had a lot of practice at this.  It took a few spankings and being found out before I was able to hone in and develop a truly undeniable product.  As I’ve gotten older my sad eye super power hasn’t diminished.  It has quite possibly gotten stronger.  A husband does usually expect to be confronted with sad eyes.  He usually expects push back, determination.  I wielded my sad eyes and Todd was putty in my hands.  My plan was working.  I was finally going to attain my truly outrageous purchase and become a real diva. 

So, what did Todd allow me to get that will have others looking at me in a different light?  A car!  That’s right people.  It may seem really simple, and so what if I needed a new one, so what if it was a great deal and has great gas mileage, so what if I’ll wind up driving it for 10 years?  I am determined for this to be my obscenely outrageous purchase.  That’s right.  A Honda Accord is opulent.  Have you seen the Straight Talk commercial that says “Carrying a toy dog because you feel richer effect”?  Well, I have a toy dog (Percy) and now I have a new car – BAM!  I’m a diva.  That just happened.

If I could have anything to eat I would like a grilled cheese and some tomato soup.  My song of the day is "Glamerous" by Fergie. 

http://grooveshark.com/s/Glamerous/3COsTj?src=5

Reminder: The Get Your Rear in Gear 5K Run/Walk - Diva Dash is this weekend!  It's not too late to signup.  Why don't you come walk with me?  All the cool kids are doin' it.

http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR?fr_id=1063&pg=entry

Depressed Diva

9/9/11 – Hello all!  I am back from my self imposed blog hiatus. 

I took some time off writing because I just wasn’t feeling it.  I just wasn’t feeling anything, to be perfectly honest.  This blog is all about me sharing what I’m going through and being “real”.  Well, it’s about to get real. 

When I finished chemo I went for my usual 2 week check up to make sure that my blood counts were all recovering and talk about my next steps.  As I had mentioned earlier, I asked my oncologist if other patients have a problem with chemo being over.  (Not the fact that they no longer have to pump their bodies full of toxic chemicals but the fact that there is now nothing actively preventing the cancer.)  My doctor said that a lot of patients have a very tough time with treatment being over and a large number struggle with depression.  Knowing that I was not alone in my awkward feelings gave me some comfort. 

I didn’t understand the depression part though.  Why would anyone be depressed that chemo was over?  Anxious, sure.  I could understand anxiety, but not depression. 

My last blog was on August 22^nd.  Since that time I have slowly headed down hill, slipping slowly into the abyss of depression.  The thing I couldn’t understand when I went to my doctor’s appointment earlier in the month was how or why this could happen.  It is now all too clear.  It was actually happening, and it was happening to me. 

I withdrew from people because I was embarrassed that I was struggling now that the "hard part" was considered over.  I didn't understand my own feelings and so I doubted that anyone else could understand them either.  I gained weight as chemo progressed and my last round saw me gaining the most weight.  After chemo finished I vowed to start eating right and working out again.  I started my diet and began walking daily.  I saw results the first week.  The problem began around week 2.  I gained the 3 pounds back that I had lost the previous week.  Week 3 I gained more weight though I continued to diet and exercise.  I started to become frustrated and decided to join a gym to stay motivated.  I have been working out at my new gym for a little over 3 weeks now and all I seem to do is gain weight which does little for my self esteem.  The numbness in my hands began to spread and become painful (it felt like I was constantly gripping a cast iron skillet).  I now have 2 numb hands and 2 numb feet.  The spreading scared me and was something I did not understand because the rest of me seemed to be recovering.   I would shake my hands in frustration willing them to start feeling again.  (Note: shaking your hands does not wake them up, I've tried like a gazillion times).  I struggled with feeling productive at work since I now take a little longer to do something that would have previously taken me 10 seconds.  I battled back and forth over whether I should start back to school or give it more time.  I've never considered myself overly pretty and I've never been the cool kid.  I was fine with that because I thought I was cute and I was quick with responses, I was smart.  My one thing that I had that made me feel good and productive was delayed.  I was suddenly the kid who got the joke 5 minutes after the punchline was told.  I just felt confused, frustrated, and like a failure.  Nothing I did was right.  Nothing I did worked.  I started to not like myself. 

I'm an accountant so I'm used to identifying a problem, deciding on the steps to fix it, and following through and seeing the desired results.  I had a tumor, I had surgery, I felt better.  I had cancer, I went through chemo, I'm now in remission.  Why didn't my problems now fit into the same solution sequence.  I gained weight, I joined a gym, but no payoff.  I had numb hands, I waited patiently for them to get better, but time passed and they only got worse.  Why wasn't it working?  I could no longer fix my problems.  I was faced with the reality that I had something that I could not control.  Sure, we all have things that are outside of our control but with all that I had just gone through that was unacceptable.  If I couldn't control these simple little things how could I control my cancer from not coming back?  How could I start to become normal? 

So there I was....at the very bottom of my well clawing to dig myself out with zero success.  I didn't know what to do.  I could no longer hide how I felt.  I was tired of fighting.  My mask of security was off and I was completely exposed.  Vunerable.  The one thing I never wanted to be. 

Last Wednesday I had a meeting at church.  I left work, went to the gym and then ran home.  I was feeling very down and all I wanted to do was get to the comfort of my shower and let the hot water relax my muscles and clear my mind.  I would have stayed in that shower if the hot water hadn't run out.  I trudged my way to my bedroom and got dressed.  I looked terrible.  My eyes were puffy, my hair was wet and frizzy, and you could take just one look at my face and see that I felt defeated.  Not ideal fashion for leaving the house, but I had a meeting.  I went to church and was quickly found out.  As I was walking in a friend asked me how I was doing.  I just can't abide by the usual "I'm good (smile)!"  I wasn't good.  I wasn't fine either.  I was down.  I was low.  I simply said "Not that great, but I'm ok."  My friend was not taking that for an answer.  I explained all I was going through and all I had been dealing with since the end of treatment.  She seemed to understand.  At the end of our conversation she said, "Can I pray with you?" to which I replied, "sure".  We prayed together and then I headed in for my meeting.  That night before bed I vowed to pray every night.  I realized that was something I hadn't been doing.  I think I was angry with God.  I had finally allowed myself to be angry over the situation and it banished me to my well until I was ready to ask for help. 

You see, I couldn't dig myself out on my own.  I never realized that until my friend showed me the rope that was hanging down the side of the well the whole time.  I was too absorbed in my despair to simply look around.  I was too busy trying to strategise a way out.  The rope (God) was there the whole time.  I had just decided that I was too good for the rope.  I didn't need the rope.  The rope let me fall into the well so why would I trust it to get me out?  Faith.  It's a simple thing but it's sometimes hard to trust.  I needed to get my faith, my strength back.  It had never left.  It was waiting on me the whole time. 

Since last Wednesday I have started praying every day and I can honestly say that I feel much better.  Things are not the way I want them yet.  I am still struggling with the changes to my body and how it affects my weight, I still have numb hands and feet, I still get frustrated when a simple task takes longer than it did before, but I know that it's not a reflection upon me as a person.  It's just something that I have to adjust to and work through.  I'm stronger for the experience. 

I know this has been a long blog and it hasn't been the funniest post or the most uplifting but depression is a real thing that real people struggle with.  I'm not removing the possiblity that I may have more battles with it to come.  I just want people to know that you may not understand it, you may not get it, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a real problem for someone - be willing to show them the rope in their well. 

If I could have anything to eat I would like a vanilla latte and a cake dounut.  My song of the day is "I Lift My Hands" by Chris Tomlin.

http://grooveshark.com/s/I+Lift+My+Hands/3AdG0I?src=5

 

Later!

 

Reminder: The Get Your Rear In Gear 5K Run/Walk - Diva Dash is this weekend in Phenix City, AL.  The race starts at 9:00.  I will be walking and would love to have you join me!  Check out the site to register.

http://events.getyourrearingear.com/site/TR?fr_id=1063&pg=entry