It’s time to be
real and talk about some things that aren’t always happy.
I went in for surgery on Tuesday, March 12th. I had been looking forward to this
surgery. I had placed all my faith of
being “fixed”. The surgery was for
debulking (removing as much of my tumor as possible) and then doing chemo in my
belly. In the pre-op my doctor mentioned
he would only be able to operate if he could remove 95 – 96% of the cancer
because only a small amount could be handled by the chemo itself. He also mentioned that only about 4 -5% of
the surgeries he does aren’t able to actually be done because there is too much
tumor to be removed. I heard the words
but I thought “That will never be me.
This is going to ‘fix’ me.”
The morning of March 12th Todd and I arrived at
Emory at 5:30. I was taken back to
surgery almost immediately. This was
it! It was going to be hard, but it was
going to take the cancer away. I got my
IV’s, relaxed, hugged Todd, and was wheeled off to surgery.
The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery
area. I looked up at the clock and
noticed that it was about 1:30. It was
early. This surgery was supposed to be 5
– 13 hours. I thought “Oh, that’s
great! Maybe there wasn’t that much
wrong with me!” I did my usual and
begged for ice chips.
It wasn’t long until I was wheeled off to my room. Once in my room I saw Todd and asked the all important
question “How did the surgery go?” Todd
looked me straight in the eye and said “Shea, they weren’t able to do the
surgery.” Hunh???! Todd explained that I had too much tumor in
my body to be removed and still function.
It hit me like walking into a brick wall. What do you mean? This wasn’t supposed to happen to ME? First, I shouldn’t have cancer but I do. Next, I get cancer again and I’m angry but I
make my peace with it. Then, I finish
chemo and get ready to do this huge surgery that will remove the cancer from my
body. All my hope, all my future is
wrapped up in this surgery. This surgery
was something big. It wasn’t going to be
an easy thing. I had signed myself up
for something very hard, but even that was denied me for something harder. Having my body consumed with cancer.
After speaking with my surgeon I learned that I have cancer
all in my intestines. A person can live
without a colon, but we can’t live without any intestines. Unfortunately there is no clear spot on my
intestines that could be used. It is all
around the outside and inside.
I have a large incision from below my breast bone to my
pubic bone – it is glorious! The doctor
took biopsies of my tumors which have been sent off to a lab to determine if
there is any type of chemo that my cancer responds to. I have an A-typical type of cancer that doesn’t
show up on CT Scans, doesn’t show up on tumor marker testing, and can only
really be seen through surgery. Chemo
will never truly destroy my cancer.
Chemo can only put off my cancer.
So now I wait. I wait
to learn if there is something that can actually get the best of my
cancer.
If you’re wondering how I’m doing – how would you feel if
your hope had been ripped from you? I’m
devastated, but I’m making it. I don’t
know what my future holds or even how long my future will be, but I do know
that I don’t want to be sad or mad with the time I have. I try to focus on being happy and enjoying
myself. It does happen. I am able to be happy, though I do have a lot
more down moments right now. I’m mad at
God. I really am. I don’t doubt that He is God and that He loves
me, but I do question His plan for my life.
Surrender is still not an option – never will be – and there is always
room for a miracle. I’m gonna kill
cancer with positivity and not let it control me. Love all of you!
