Contemplate a grape

Just for kicks!

1/31/11 – Yo!  It’s been a pretty darn good day.  I feel good.  I woke up and got straight to work.  I haven’t gotten overwhelmed or tired while working.  Maybe I’m on track to having a good week?  I hope!

No or very little nausea this morning.  My super sniffer is still strong.  There was one point during the day while I was sitting at the computer that I started sniff, sniff, sniffing.  “What is that SMELL?!”  I searched the house for a “gift” from Percy but none could be found.  All I can think is that he or Buster farted and it smelled overly strong to me.  I sprayed the entire house with febreze and lit a candle.  I wasn’t able to focus with the smell. 

During lunch I watched Bridalplasty – what a show!  I seriously worry about the world today.  I’m ignoring the fact that I actually watched the show and what that says about me.  I also watched a little Jerseylicious.  I am so a fan of this show.  It is like watching a train wreck.  I can’t tear my eyes from the screen.  I think I need to dress like one of the girls from the show for Halloween.

Speaking of lunch, I ate a double Snickers and contemplated grapes.  Have you ever seriously thought about or been confused by grapes?  Well, I can now say that I have.  I, Shea Bamberg, have been confused by grapes.  Not something you hear on a daily basis, right?  Well, picture this.  You’re sitting on the couch watching Jerseylicious eating grapes.  You eat a red grape and it tastes sour.  You eat a green grape and it tastes sweet.  “What’s going on here?!”  “What is going on with the universe?” Green grapes are supposed to be the sour ones and red are supposed to be sweet.  “Is it the grapes or is it ME?!”  So, what would you do?  I know I turned to Todd and said “Todd!  Taste these grapes and tell me which one tastes sweet to you.”  I was extremely disappointed because he refused so now I may never know.  It’s stuff like this that keeps me awake at night.  Some people may wonder which came first the chicken or the egg.  I wonder if the red grapes are really sour and the green ones or really sweet or if it’s all just me.  Deep stuff, I know.

This week is close week at work.  That basically means that we are closing out the month and are all busy.  I was glad to be given tasks to do to help out – working makes me feel a little more normal.  So, I sat at my laptop and turned up the music and work, work, worked.  I love working with music.  I think it helps me focus because it gives my mind some background noise.  I love Pandora radio.  I switch from music station to station.  This morning I was feeling Guns N’ Roses.  I have now perfected “Sweet Child of Mine”.   I’m taking it on the road.  Cover band?  Some of you may have though that accountants were boring – not so.  Some of us sing and add at the same time.  Multitasking at its finest!

Speaking of music, have you ever had a conversation with only song titles?  Todd and I decided to do that one day and it was hilarious.  I highly encourage this practice, though it is not necessarily appropriate for the work environment.  Here is a little dialog that I wrote out of song titles:

Alejandro: “Hey there Deliah!”

Deliah: “Alejandro!”

Alejandro: “I Never Told You” “Yesterday” a “Little Red Corvette” “Crash[ed] into Me?”

Deliah: “Shameless!”

Alejandro: I was drivin’ the “Cadillac on 22’s”.  The “Little Red Corvette” only had “One Headlight!”

Deliah: Was it “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown?!”

Alejandro: No, “Just a Girl”, “Iris”.  “I Ran” after her and all she could say was “You Found Me!”  I said “Call Me When You’re Sober”.  My car is “Broken” and wound up “Crawling” “Home”.

Deliah: You should have sent out an “S.O.S.” or used the “Telephone” to “Call Me”. 

Alejandro: You know, “My Life Would Suck Without You”.  “Whatever it is” you “Say You’ll be There”. 

Deliah: “Sweet Child of Mine”  I would “Sleep Through the Static” and walk through “Drops of Jupiter” if you said I “Need You Now”.

Alejandro: You’re “Unstoppable” but you “Should’ve Said No”

Deliah: Puh-lease.  “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and “What About Love”?  “Love is a Battlefield”.

Alejandro: “Hey there Deliah…”  “I Do Not Hook Up”.

Deliah: “Breathe” “Alejandro”…  “I’m in Love with a Stripper”!

Dunt, dunt, dum….. What will happen?  Will the girl who hit Alejandor’s caddie ever call?  Is Deliah actually in love with a stripper or was she just thinking of something quick to say to change the subject?  Will we ever know what is in the “Diary of Jane”?!

Tonight I enjoyed a relaxing night at home with some yummy chicken lasagna.  I am so in a pizza mood.  I would still like some Totino’s pizza rolls.  Why is it that they never really taste as good when you finally get them?  Even though I know that, I still want some.  My song of the day is “Up” by Shania Twain.  I heart this song!  “It can only go up from here!”  If you never listen to the songs you should at least listen to this one (Erin that means you).  It makes me laugh.  I’m considering doing my hair like hers.  Thoughts?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FMhUNSIxks

I’m feeling good and being positive about having a great week!  Night y’all!

These tears are twofold

1/30/11 – Hello everyone.  How am I doing?  Hmm… How am I doing?  Well, you see, that’s a tough one.  Something so simple should be simple to answer but sometimes it’s the simplest things that are the hardest to answer.  I’ve been asked that question a lot today.  The answer is twofold.  Me, health wise?  I’m good.  I’m not feeling all that bad today.  Me, as a person?  It’s been a hard day emotionally.  I’ve cried a lot. I’ve cried because I’m sad.  I’ve cried because I know I won’t see someone I love again on earth.  I’ve cried for the sheer fact that I knew other people were hurting and it hurt me too.  To be honest, I’m crying right now.

I know where my neighbor/fellow cancer fighter/close friend is.  He’s in heaven.  He’s healed.  It’s hard being the ones left behind sometimes because we love and miss them so much.  I smile when I think about where he is now.  Smiling is good.

Today was hard.  The ceremony was beautiful and his wife showed unearthly strength as she spoke to everyone about the person her husband was.  He meant so much to so many of us.  The songs seemed to be one of the hardest things.  I think they give us a pure and direct connection to God and His glory.

After the ceremony and gravesite we all went back to the church and had a meal.  It was nice to hang out and spend some time with others who had just been through the same thing.  The meal was lovely.  At one point during the meal I looked over and one of our friends was holding out her pill box and Todd was picking something out.  What’s going on here?!  We’re in church.  Todd had a headache and was getting some medicine.  It just seemed really funny at the time.  I try to find the humor even in tough times

There really wasn’t much to my day but I feel like I’ve run a marathon.  I am completely wiped out.  I fully intend to fall asleep in the very near future.   I’m not really hungry but I am thirsty.  I’m just going to drink some water tonight.  My song of the day is Chris Tomlin’s “I Will Rise”.  “I can say it is well… no more sorrow, no more pain,…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg

I know this isn’t “goodbye” it’s just “see ya later” though it sometimes feels like “goodbye”.  Kenton I love you man!   You fought the fight and finished the race.  We should have known you would come in first. 

I'll carry you, when you need a friend



I heart cheeseburgers!



1/29/11 – Hello everyone.  Today has been a bitter sweet day for me.  I am feeling good for the most part.  A little tired.  Today was the visitation for my neighbor/fellow cancer fighter/close friend.  It hasn’t been an easy day.

How do you wake up knowing that you have to go and say good-bye to one of your good friends?  How does one prepare for that?  I honestly don’t know. 

This morning Todd and I were waking up and cleaning the house a little.  I look over at Todd and he is crying.  I look at the TV and it’s on ESPN.  What’s going on?!  I ask Todd and he said that it just switched over to ESPN from something we had recorded and when the TV flipped the first thing he saw and heard was “Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk, KU” chanted by a ton of Kansas fans at College Game Day.  Our friend was a huge Kansas basketball fan.  It’s just kind of weird finding your husband crying to College Game Day – I mean, it’s normal during Auburn football, but this is basketball season.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4TyQTJIa3Y

Todd and I met our close friend group outside the funeral home and we all walked in together.  I have learned through all of this the sheer importance of friends.  It is so easy to take people for granted.  We all hung out a lot.  It is easy to get used to seeing people and not even consider how much their friendship truly means.  My friends are truly awesome.  I love that we hug more now.  We say we love each other and know that we really mean it.  There isn’t anything shallow when it comes down to it.  I know that these people are there for me come what may and I have never been more overwhelmed with love.  We all walked into the funeral home together.  It just seemed so unreal.  Looking at him, it still didn’t seem real because it didn’t look like the real “him”.  The video with pictures just about did me in.  What is it about seeing someone you love the way you remember them, listening to powerful music, and knowing that you’ll never get those moments again.  All you have are the memories.  The memories are just so special but they seem like not enough.  Not nearly enough. 

I want to be a 2 year old and stomp my feet and shout, “God!  Why?  Why? I just don’t understand.”  I want to pitch a fit until I get my way.  I am forgetting something very important – pitching a fit never got me anywhere growing up (Janice Harden wouldn’t stand for that).  Why would I believe that it would get me anywhere now?  It’s hard to remember that my friend is in a place with no more pain, no more cancer, and is fully healed – hard to remember, but oh so true.  Maybe I feel like I need to DO something.  Crying has never been my strong suit.  I’m too much like my Granny.  It’s not that we don’t feel it’s just that we show our emotions differently.  I would much prefer to cry and get it out than to just sit and think about it but that’s what I do.

I met a lot of new people today.  My situation and my friend’s have shown me just how good people can be.  People who you don’t even know care, they truly care.  How cool is that?  I never would have thought that people would connect the way they do, but I guess when it comes down to it we are all very similar.  It was nice to hug so many people and be able to talk about my friend and laugh.  It was mentioned that I probably shouldn’t be around so many people because of the chemo – oh, my gosh!  I completely didn’t even think about that.  I’m stayed at home for the 2^nd part of the visitation.  I was glad I was able to show up for the first part. 

On our way home from the funeral home I wanted a cheeseburger (imagine that).  Yeah!  I decided to branch out and tried Krystal.  Todd and I got a sack of Krystal’s!  There were so many of them.  I did my part but I couldn’t put as big a dent in them as I would have preferred.  I would love a smoothie but I still can’t have the cool stuff yet.  One of my friends from home mentioned the whole “footprints” thing.  How God will carry you or walk beside you when you need some strength.  That definitely applies to me now on various levels.  It made me think of one of my favorite Leona Lewis song’s “Footprints in the Sand”.  It’s a great song.  I've listened to it 5 times straight now.  It always helps to know that someone will carry you, when you need a friend.  Sometimes that's all we need - a friend to be with us through it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wad6muwyG3Y

Tomorrow is the funeral so it will probably be another heavy blog.  Thanks for sticking with me even through the tough stuff.  Night y’all!

That's what she said

1/28/11 – I swear I have more super powers since starting chemo.  Yes, I still have my original super power (extraordinarily cold feet) but I also have a bionic nose.  I’m not sure exactly when it started but my sniffer is on over drive.  I can smell pretty much anything no matter where I am in the house.  What is odd is that the things I smell don’t smell how I know they should.  You may remember that I was complaining about some weird saline smell around our kitchen.  I finally figured out that the smell was coming from some oranges.  Oranges are not supposed to smell like saline.  Everything seems to take on more of a chemical smell to me right now.  Very odd.  I’m going to have to find a way to use this super power for good.  Suggestions are welcome.  My taste is also off.  I was drinking water this morning and I promise you my regular water tasted like Florida water to me, and I know I’m not at the beach.

This chemo stuff is discouraging.  Those of you who read the blog regularly know that on the whole I feel good.  I feel like me.  Well, imagine you felt just like your regular self but then you started to feel weak, food tasted bad, smelled weird, your throat hurt, and you were hungry but you didn’t want to swallow anything.  It just doesn’t make sense.  How does someone go from being “perfectly healthy” to having cancer?  How do you go from knowing you have cancer and feeling good to feeling puny?  I don’t like to not feel in control and the one thing that I don’t seem to have right now is that very thing – control.  Hello!  I would like some control back please. 

I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer but I want people to realize that this isn’t easy.  I don’t think I realized how hard this was until yesterday.  We hear of people having chemo on a somewhat regular basis but until you’ve experienced it you have no clue.  I don’t say that to be mean but can you honestly imagine waking up feeling the way I mentioned earlier or going to sleep with your throat hurting and neck and shoulders being sore to the touch?  It’s no joke.  I now have a new respect for all the ones who have gone before me.  This isn’t easy.  Yes, I am a diva and I will always remain one but even a diva has to be real from time to time. 

The mouthwash was just as horrible as I predicted.  It is a mouthwash that is supposed to help with mouth sores.  During chemo your mouth gets very dry so you are at risk of developing mouth sores that can go all the way down your throat.  As soon as I started to feel one I got a prescription for the mouthwash.  Pretty funny getting a prescription for mouthwash.  The bottle looked really creepy and the stuff was really thick.  You swish and swallow the mouthwash.  I don’t know what held back my gag reflex but I was able to drink a little of the stuff.  It tasted horrible but it worked.  It made my whole mouth and throat numb.  Very weird.  I’m crossing my fingers I won’t need to use it anymore – crossing my fingers, but not holding my breath.

I think I need to get out more because nothing funny is really happening around here.  The last few days I have worked, slept, and watched a little TV.  Not even anything all that entertaining on TV.  Buster and Percy basically take care of themselves with Percy and Stella chasing each other around from time to time.  Yep, I definitely need to get out more.  It doesn’t seem like Friday. 

Oh, I did get a “Diva” sign.  It is pretty awesome.  It was sent to me by a very special young lady and is hanging on my pantry door by my apron so each day I can remind myself just how much of a diva I am – like I would forget! 

Tonight I went to Five Guys – cheeseburgers, I’m tellin’ ya, cheeseburgers.  There is something wonderful about a Five Guys little cheeseburger and fries.  It hit the spot.  I keep seeing commercials for Totino’s pizza rolls.  I could totally go for some of those.  My song of the day is “Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head”.  I hang out around the part where it says “I’m never gonna stop the rain by complainin’.”

http://s0.ilike.com/play#B.J.+Thomas:Raindrops+Keep+Falling+On+My+Head:32544:s38248378.10416969.17988937.0.2.140%2Cstd_f9b2b6a4ffdb4fb5b430996e3dc625d7

Night y’all!

"Real" water please

1/27/11 – Hey y’all!  I tell ya, this waking up feeling nauseous straight up sucks.  In the morning you are supposed to feel rested and ready to tackle the day.  Me?  No, I feel sick.  I have no desire to move or wiggle.  I just want to feel good.

I woke up in the middle of the night/early morning very thirsty.  What did I do?  Go and get my own drink?  Nope.  “Todd…. Would you go get me something to drink?”  Todd handed me a drink.  I take a sip.  “Oh, this is the kiwi/watermelon water…?”  Todd said that it was the easiest thing to get to.  “Todd… Would you get me some “real” water?  I’m thirsty. Don’t forget it needs to be room temperature.”  Can I just say my husband is awesome?  He did all of that and got me some “real” water.  It helped.  I have noticed that I get really thirsty lately.  I think I’m starting to develop sores in the back of my throat. 

I took my medicine and got up and rolling.  Oh no!  Where is my makeup?!  Aaah!  My makeup was still in Phillip’s truck.  I have places to go, people to see, things to do.  I can’t go out without makeup on.  Tara was already going to meet me to go get my pump removed so I got her to bring my makeup too.  I had enough in reserve that I was able to make myself presentable.  I met Tara on the road and we headed up to Gainsville.  When we got in the office I signed in and was taken back almost immediately.  The pump was removed easily and I got a good whiff of some more saline as it was pushed through my port.  It was really quick and only slightly annoying.  Tara and I headed out of the office about 15 minutes after we walked in.

After the week that we have had we needed a little retail therapy.  We went to Target and got a few essentials.  After Target we met back at Tara’s car and I headed home.  Guess what I had for lunch?  A cheeseburger!  I have eaten like 4 McDonald cheeseburgers over the past 4 days.  I don’t know why but cheeseburgers are one of the only things that taste good.  All I seem to order are plain cheeseburgers. 

Once I got home I worked a little.  I had felt bad because I knew I missed work yesterday.  Can I just say I only got 2 hours in!  2 hours!  That was not intentional at all.  I finished the one thing I needed to do today and for some reason I laid my head down on my unicorn pillow pet.  The next thing I knew I was waking up to the phone ringing.  What happened?!  I fell asleep?  I rarely sleep during the day.  I answered the phone and then realized just how tired I was.  I was wiped out.  I checked my email and then fell asleep again.  Maybe this chemo is a little harder than I thought.

Todd called when he got off work.  I tried to clean the house up a little during commercials.  When I was at the doctor today they said they would call in some special mouthwash for me so I can try to prevent the mouth sores.  Todd ran by the pharmacy and picked it up for me.  The bottle is so creepy looking.  It looks like some homemade jumba juice.  I haven’t tried it out yet.  I’m a little afraid of how it will taste but hopefully it will work!

Phillip and Tara came over and had some dinner with us tonight.  I’m not hungry.  I really would love a frosty (original flavor) because my throat hurts but obviously I can’t physically handle a frosty because of the cold.  My song of the day is the Fray “Never Say Never”.  This is a good one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPUYl8Aom8Y

Big hug!  Night y’all.

Hello Goodbye

Me and my 5FU pump!

1/26/11 – Hey y’all.  Today has seemed like several days rolled into one.  Long day.  My neighbor/fellow cancer fighter/close friend went home to be with the Lord today.  God does answer prayers but sometimes it’s difficult to remember that his answer is not always our answer.  We get angry and frustrated with the situation.  It’s hard to understand because sometimes things just don’t make sense and they may be things that we just don’t want to understand, but one thing remains constant – God is sovereign.  Right now we talk about things, eat, breathe, do life.  Some day in the future maybe I’ll start to actually process all of this.  Right now it seems so unreal, like a bad dream that I will wake up from at any moment.  He was my age.  Things like this aren’t supposed to happen. 

My day started out with a headache and a little nausea – No, I’m 100% certain I’m not pregnant.   I rolled out of bed, strapped on my messenger bag, and took some medicine.  The medicine worked quickly.  I am feeling a lot better now. 

I thought I might take you through a day in the life of a person with a chemo pump.  I thought the pump would be a horrible inconvenience but it’s really not that bad.  Now that I am fanny pack free I am much happier.  I have to remember to take the messenger bag with me everywhere.  I go to get something to drink – take my bag, I go to the bathroom – take my bag, when I sleep it is on the night stand, when I shower it is outside the shower, it goes with me everywhere.  I was afraid I would wake up this morning with my line wrapped all around me, fortunately that did not happen.  Todd and I did have to switch sides of the bed since my port is on my left side.  I forgot about it when I was changing and went to grab another shirt.  Oops!  My line doesn’t reach that far.  I just imagine a cartoon figure walking off quickly and then being jerked back like a bungee line.  It wasn’t quite that traumatic.  The pump isn’t that bad.  The medicine in the pump is a stronger form of chemo that I get over a longer period of time, that’s why it takes 46 hours.  As I mentioned yesterday I have started to feel the cold sensitivity.  It is so weird to put something that I know is luke warm in my mouth and it feel cool – very weird.  My left pinky finger started to feel a little tingly and cool this morning but it only lasted for a few minutes.  When I stood in front of the fridge this morning I felt like I was in Antarctica! So cold!  As I mentioned, I’ve had a headache and a little nausea but nothing horrible yet.  I have noticed that I do have some extreme smell sensitivity.  I can’t figure out what it is that I keep smelling in the house.  It smells like saline.   I don’t like it one bit.  I am happy to report that I have not tripped today – so far that is.  I’m wearing flats today – not that I blamed my shoes yesterday (you never blame the shoes). 

I don’t think I have ever explained all the things that happen with chemo.  As you know I go in every two weeks and get Oxaliplatin, which is my chemo drip in the office, I am then sent home with my pump of Flurorouracil/5FU, which is my 46 hour chemo.  After the 46 hours I go in and get the pump removed and my port de-accessed.  Repeat every two weeks.  Each time I go in for treatment they check my blood to make sure my red blood count, white blood count, and platelets are in the right range.  If they are too low I will not be able to get chemo.  10 – 14 days after chemo I will probably experience bone marrow suppression.  That is where you have low blood count and can run a fever.  Some of the side effects of chemo are:

-          Bone marrow suppression = not to that point yet, thank God.

-          Fatigue = check!

-          Nausea/Vomiting = check!

-          Loss of appetite = just a little.

-          Taste/Smell change = smell change, yep!

-          Mucositis (mouth sores) = Eww!  No.

-          Hair loss = none as of yet.

-          Skin changes (redness or darkening along with nail discoloration) = none as of yet.

-          Numbness = just a few seconds of numbness in my left pinky finger this morning.

-          Eye changes = I don’t think my eyes have been the same since the cruise but no new changes since starting chemo.

-          Emotional changes = you decide.  I think I’m doing ok.

Now I have moved on to another hospital for a happier reason.  I think we all need a little happy right now.  Sara and AnDrew are having their baby girly!  Kyleigh Grace Eller was born today.  She is absolutely beautiful.  Sara had her dressed so cute with a big bow on her head.  I don’t think I have seen a new born as alert as she was.  Mother and baby look great and are doing well.

After a long day I made it home finally.  Todd and I had hotdogs and slaw again.  Just what the doctor ordered.  I would love some pizza some time soon.  My song of the day is Chris Doughtery’s “I’m Going Home”. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnwdxN4iOUw

Tomorrow is another day.  Night y’all.

Call me Grace

Me getting chemo - post anti-anxiety meds

1/25/11 – Zzzz zzzz……….zzz…zzZz…. Oh, sorry, I am so tired from today.

Today started a lot like Friday almost 2 weeks ago with the huge exception that I got a good night’s sleep.  I had packed a bag with Thank You notes, my day planner, Kindle, pens, snacks, laptop, … I was prepared.  Todd and I once again piled in the car and headed to chemo.  When we got off the exit I noticed I had missed a call – “Oh, no!  Please tell me my chemo isn’t cancelled again.  Please…”  I am happy to report that it was just a friend calling to see when it would be good to bring dinner by the house.  I was good to go!

Once I sat down in the waiting area I put on my numbing cream – it is supposed to take 20 – 30 minutes to kick in.  Since I had an appointment for 9:00 and was supposed to start chemo at 9:45 I thought that was the perfect time.  I put the cream on and thought “I hope this stuff works!”  I stepped on the dog scale, had my pulse checked, and blood pressure monitored.  I was good to go.  I met with my oncologist and he walked me and Todd into the infusion room.  Let the scary begin.  They walked me to a semi-private area with a really cushy chair.  I parked myself down and started working on my doctor question note book – filling in answers.  Though I wasn’t scheduled to start chemo until 9:45 the nurse apologized a couple times for making me wait – in my eyes I was early.

Ok, I’m going to take you on a few moments in the mind of Shea – can you handle it?  I’m sat in the chair and tried to divert my mind from was about to happen.  I’m about to start chemo for the first time!  Scary!  My nurse came over and explained all my meds to me.  She mentioned that the oncologist ordered me some ativan for anxiety.  Would I like some ativan?  No, no, I’m fine.  I’m fine.  I have a port – Pixie the Port – that is about to be accessed for the first time.  What does that feel like?  Will it hurt?  Yeah, I do have the numbing cream, but I felt it when the nurse pulled my cover off the port and the steri-strips pulled a little when they came off.  That wasn’t bad, but I could definitely “feel” the area.  What would it feel like when it was accessed for the first time?  Why is the nurse pulling out all these scary things?!  I looked over and she has pulled out this thing to access the port along with some sterile sponges, special gloves, and at least 3 syringes.  When do I get my anti-anxiety meds?!  When?  I want them now!  Not after.  I mention that I don’t think the numbing cream is working.  She showed me the little spot where the port connects, it feels ok.  She asked me to turn my head – gladly!  I heard her say “done”.  Done! Done!  Oh, great, now, now I get my anti-anxiety meds.  Whew!  I needed them before.

The chemo was really easy on me.  The ativan made me sleepy.  I fought sleep.  I had too much to do.  I tuned my personal flat screen to Bravo and watch the Real Housewives of Orange Country reunion show and worked on things I haven’t had time to do lately.  It was nice.  I receive my main chemo at the cancer center in the infusion room, then I get a pump of 5FU that goes home with my to continue giving me a different type of chemo for 46 hours.  Everything was rosy until the 5FU started.  It felt a little weird when I got my initial push through the port and then the humiliation began.  The pump which means the fanny pack!  Aaaah!  Dun, dunt, DUM!   The dreaded fanny pack.  I put the pump inside and head to the bathroom before Todd and I hit the road.  Please.  Please, please….. There HAS to be a cute way to wear this.  I can’t have to endure this and look bad at the same time.  Feeling cute is all I have left.  (Vanity, I know)  I couldn’t “make it work” – Tim Gunn would not have been proud.  I put on my coat and scarf and worked it as best I could.  I nearly fell in the parking lot leaving in humiliation.  Note to self: chemo does not aid balance.

Target – STAT!  I have got to resolve this fashion crisis.  A messenger bag!  A messenger bag!  That is what I need.  – Did I mention that I am flat worn out?  I’m running on a Chick-fil-A sandwhich (If you’re counting that is my 3^rd in less than a week!) and fumes.  – When I got to Target Todd found the perfect bag for me immediately.  I wanted to get a few other things to make my time with the pump easier.  Todd found a shirt and we got Percy a bed of his own.  We walked through the snacks and headed to checkout.  As I was walking down the already slick isle I nearly fell AGAIN!  Again!  I should not be walking or doing anything after ativan.  At least I hope it was the ativan and not the chemo in general, or else I’m in trouble.

So, now I’m stylin’.  I have my messenger bag and when I got home my sister and brother-in-law had sent me a little happy gift – a “Fight like a Girl” blue cozy and a pin button that says “Colon Cancer can be a Real Pain in the BUTT”.  I am now set.  I drink my room temperature flavored water in my cozy and my button is on my messenger bag.  Sweet!  Not only am I getting chemo and supporting a cause but I look semi-stylish doing it. 

Jamie Knight came over and brought some delicious food.  I am glad to still be hungry.  I have noticed that I do definitely have the cold sensitivity when I drink.  I had some room temperature water and when I drank it, it felt cool going down my throat – really weird.  I am tempted to try something actually cold but I’m sure I would hate myself afterward.  Jaime brought these mini brownie cookie things.  They were fabulous.  I really wanted a nice cold glass of milk to go with them.  That is the only thing I would want tonight.  My song of the day is The Beatles “I’m So Tired” because seriously- I- am- so- tired. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxJOpr6Y5yI

I head back to the doctor on Thursday around 11:30 to have the pump removed and my port de-accessed.  So far, I am tired and have the cold sensitivity but I’m feeling good overall.  Chemo lasted only about 3 hours, not the 6-7 that I was anticipating – sweet!  Not nearly as scary as I thought!  Night y’all!

Cat and mouse?

Percy

1/24/11 – Hello all!

Question I have pondered since stopping at a gross gas station this weekend: What are people who write on the back on toilet stalls thinking?  Honestly?  What would your mother think if she knew you wrote your phone number on a toilet stall?  Who are these people who deem communication on the back of a bathroom stall as “normal”?  I kid you not I saw one that said “Y’all are country BAMA’s”.  What does that mean?  “country BAMA’s?”  Also, how about people who choose the back of stalls to proclaim their love for another person?  Thanks, but no thanks.  Please never proclaim your love for me on a bathroom stall – no one should ever strive to be THAT special.  That’s a whole different level of special – to steal a line from Bill Engvall “here’s your sign”.

I did not get a chance to blog yesterday because I was too busy relaxing.  Todd spent the day with Jason playing xbox Call of Duty.  He and Jason get so into the game that I start to wonder if the right one of us is seeing a counselor.  I kid you not, at one point I said “I love you” and Todd said “she kinda hot for an animated chick”.  What?!  What just happened?  Ashley and I start laughing.  Todd had not even heard me!

Todd and I didn’t leave Bambergland until later than usual.  We didn’t get home until 1:15, so I think I should be forgiven for not blogging.  On our way home Buster hung out in the backseat as usual.  Buster did not want Percy to be beside him so I held him the whole way.  He decided to crawl up onto my shoulders and road between where my shoulders hit the back of the chair and where my head touched the headrest.  It was pretty hilarious.  I told Erin that for Halloween I plan to be a pirate and dress Percy as a parrot. 

Since we got home late and this was his first time being in our house I couldn’t put Percy in his kennel.  How cruel would that be?  The only logical thing to do was sacrifice mine and Todd’s comfort and let both of our dogs sleep in the bed.  Did I mention that both Buster and Percy like to sleep under the covers?  Buster doesn’t have much fur and Percy is just little. 

I worked my first full 8 hour day today.  I think I did pretty well.  At the end of the day I did have a headache but I don’t know if that was because I stared at the computer for 4 hours more than I have in the past week or because I didn’t have any caffeine this morning?  I drank a coke and that seemed to make me feel a little better. 

Todd and I have always said that Stella is Buster’s pet, so we said that Percy is Stella’s pet.  I had no clue how true that was until we brought him home.  As soon as we walked in the door Stella was checking him out.  Percy is very playful and highly mobile since his is so low to the ground.  Last night I fell asleep to Stella (who is already “healthy) eating.  It was like I could hear her thought process – “The 2 humans and the big dog are easy, but that little one, that little one, he might cause me some problems.  Better bulk up.”  Today the real stalking ensued, though I’m not sure who is stalking who.  Stella would stalk Percy but then Percy would run directly at her.  I could tell this totally threw her off her game.  Usually Buster gets in trouble if he runs inside, but Percy is so small he can’t damage the floors.  There is nowhere for Stella to hide.  Percy is kind of like her personal trainer and she is Percy’s entertainment.  It is pretty darn hilarious.

I start chemo tomorrow morning.  My appointment is at 9:00 and the chemo is supposed to start at 9:45.  I will be hooked up for 6 -7 hours and then be sent home in utter humiliation with my blue fanny pack.  Since my taste buds are more than likely subject to change I wanted sushi for my last meal before chemo.  Todd and I went to Chin Chin with Scott.  We all ate an extraordinary amount of sushi.  It was delicious!  Krystal’s mom, Lori, made me one of my favorite desserts.  So, now I am about to have some apple crisp and vanilla ice cream – yum!  We wanted to run by Kroger to pick up some ice cream and I needed to get some of my 7,500 prescriptions.  When I was at the pharmacy the tech mentioned that they owed me 10 pills at no charge – which basically means they shorted me 10 pills that I’ve already paid for.  I asked the guy if I needed to keep the package that had it marked “owe 10 @ NC” to show to them when I come to claim my missing pills.  He said no and then said “are these all your prescriptions?” Hunh?  What does that matter?  “Yes, they’re all my pills!”  Dude!  I wanted to say “What does it matter? And, if you would look at the prescription you would see they all have my name on them.  What do people normally not get 2 nausea medicines at once along with a numbing cream?”  Isn’t the Boy Scout motto “always be prepared”?  I’m just trying to be prepared.  I am anticipating a good story or two from chemo tomorrow – at least I hope so or else that will be a boring 6 – 7 hours.

I have had all the food I could care to consume today.  I had 2 coke Icee’s this weekend so I have met my quota for a few days.  My song for today is Katy Perry’s “Firework”.  I love this song and we heard it 2 times on our way home last night.  It is a total diva song.  I’m considering it for my theme song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlLgvQErn6o

Night y’all!

Country roads



Baby Goats!

1/22/11 - Hey y'all! 

I am having a blast in Bambergland.  Buster has hurt his leg and is holding it up all the time.  All of this started yesterday.  He cried all night.  I wound up giving him benadryl so he would sleep - don't judge me.  He was so bad this morning that we decided we needed to take him to the vet.  When we got to the vet he said "you're not from around here, are you?"  Apparently I didn't talk Southern enough.  They x-rayed Buster and he said that I really should take him to the vet when we get home because he would generally refer someone to an orthopedist.  He was able to give me some pain meds to make Buster feel better. 

As we were leaving Greensboro Mrs. Janet decided we needed to run by a grocery store to get hamburger meat.  We road around the metropolis of Greensboro for a while without finding any grocery store.  Well, at city hall there were some guys out front with signs that read "ABI, We need an investigation".  Mrs. Janet and all her curiosity decided that we needed to stop and ask those guys were a grocery store was and we could also learn what they wanted the ABI to investigate.  So, I pulled over on the side of the road and she and I walked over and asked how to find a grocery store - apparently it was close to where we were the whole time.  We then learned that their brother had died suspiciously and his estranged wife ran away with the money.  Their brother was a millionaire from some power company accident that left him without one arm and without a hand on the other arm.  They said that they had to start with their local court house before ABI would get involved.  Interesting right?  Just think, we never would have known this if we hadn't stopped to talk to perfectly harmless strange men in camo.  Did I also mention that Mrs. Janet left me to the weirdest looking one of the bunch!

After we got back from Greensboro we packed up and headed out to see the baby goats.  The last time I was in Bambergland Mr. Berle took me to see some New Zealand goats.  All the female goats were pregnant.  I was excited to see all the babies this time.  They were so cute.  It is good thing I don't raise goats because I would name everyone and never actually sell them.

We road the back roads and randomly stopped and took pictures.  I love seeing random things on the side of the road or pretty creeks or trees and just saying "STOP! I need to get a picture of that."  We road and road and road.  After a few hours we returned home.  I have a ton of good pictures.

Mrs. Janet is making one of my favorite meals tonight - husband's delight.  I can't wait.  My song of the day is "Country Roads". 

Percy is absolutely adorable.  He is so little.  His paws are abnormally cold - maybe he and I have the same surper power.  The jury is still out as to what Buster thinks about him.  Since Buster's leg hurts I can't gauge his interest.

Night y'all!

The great grocery store debacle

1/21/11 – Ok, I’m getting right down to business.  How many of you have one particular grocery store where you do all your shopping?  I would guess that most women and some guys do.  I almost always shop at the Kroger (no “s”) in Suwanee.  I have hung in there with them through thick and thin - the remodel and them moving everything all around.  I know that store like I know the shoes in my closet.  Well, today I went into Kroger to fill one of the 7,500 prescriptions that I’ve been given and decided to do some light shopping.  I was looking for hot dogs and buns.  Can you believe that when I headed down the dairy isle from the pharmacy and I had zero – ZERO – clue where to find these items?! Where do they keep the bread?  Nothing. Nada. Nip.  No clue.  As I walked I eventually found the hot dogs.  After that it was like riding a bike.  I now remember where everything is.  Can you imagine it?  I was seriously worried for a few moments there.

Today I worked from home.  I love working from home.  Things are finally starting to click again and I’m really enjoying what I’m doing.  I get to start back sort-of full time next week.  It will still be on an “as tolerated” basis, but I would much rather work than not.

I watched a little of Kimora Life in the Fab Lane.  It was pretty hilarious.  I love how she is so over the top.  Maybe I should consider purchasing some of her products?  She was creating a perfume on the piece I watched.  Wouldn’t it be cool to have your own fragrance?  Though I wonder if people who have their own scents feel judged in some way?  People are very particular about how they smell.  I know I am.  When you buy a perfume that is a chunk of money so you aren’t going to get something that’s just “ok”.  I know when I’m looking for perfume I will smell all of them and there aren’t too many that I deem acceptable.  What if you had your own fragrance and you just happened to be around the fragrance counter and you saw someone smell your scent and then they scrunched up their nose and said “Ooh, no.”  How would that make you feel?  They are rejecting your fragrance.  Rejecting smells that you have approved and know you like.  Harsh.  Nope.  I don’t think I would ever want my own fragrance – but if I did, mine couldn’t help but be anything short of awesome. 

Todd and I are headed to Bambergland.  “Bambergland” is the name we have given for Todd’s parents home.  I don’t know why but that what I started calling it in college and it just kind of stuck.  Even my friends know it as Bambergland.  For those of you who are wondering how to find this magical place it is in Heighburger, AL.  Todd’s parents have several acres.  Todd loves to go hunt.  (I occasionally hunt but I’ve never seen or shot anything – don’t think I could actually kill a deer.)  I like to enjoy the peace and quiet and ride back roads with Mr. Berle taking pictures of rundown barns and old houses.  This time he’s promised to take me to a covered bridge and to see some baby goats.  I am excited!  Oh, and I get Percy.  I better get over there fast because Mrs. Janet is about to keep him for herself.   She already said that she’s glad we are staying for the weekend because he needs to get “acclimated” to us before she’ll let him go – oh goodness!

I just had a yummy dinner but I am going to finally get a coke Icee when we are on the road.  My song of the day is, of course, “Sweet Home Alabama”!  If you can believe it, my accent gets thicker when I cross the state line. LOL!  Night y’all!  I have a funny picture of me “hunting” from last time.  If I can find it I’ll post it soon.

I'm in remission!

1/20/11 – What a day!  “What a great day!” is what I really should say.  Today has been tiring but awesome!

I received a call this morning from my new oncologist’s office saying that they still had not received my file from the other oncologist though they contacted them last Friday.  I immediately started to panic – not again, this can’t happen to me again!  The lady was calling to confirm their phone number and she said she would let me know the outcome regardless.  The whole time I’m thinking “They can’t do this to me again.  Sherry took the day off work just to go with me.  Why haven’t they sent the files? Why?”  The lady from the new office called back and said that she had some problems with the office staff and had to talk to 2 people.  I asked if I need to call them because I have had several issues with them in the past and that is the whole reason for my change.  She told me that they said they should be able to get my information to them in time but she can understand why I would have had so many problems with them.  All of this just confirms my decision to change offices. 

The appointment is still on.  Yes!  Sherry picked me up and we headed to the metropolis of Gainsville – LOL.  I think it is funny that most people head into the city for their treatments, but me?  Nope.  I head even further out of town!  As soon as I got there I felt good about the appointment.  I had a ton of paperwork to fill out.  I had Sherry there so she and I talked and had a good time throughout the appointment.  I was worried that we were talking so much that I wouldn’t hear my name called – not a bad problem to have, right?  When I was called back they (of course) weighed me.  The funniest part was that the scale wasn’t like a normal scale.  It was like one of those scales that vets have.  You know the big ones that don’t have the piece in front that tells the weight, it’s over to the side.  I thought that was hilarious!  I was on a dog scale!  After that I got to meet the doctor.  He was very nice and took a lot of time to explain my cancer.  He didn’t have my PET scan results but I did mention that the PET scan showed that there were no tumors in my body.  He said “Oh, that means you’re in remission.”  What?!  I’m in remission!  How cool is that?  No more cancer in me – hooah!  I could still have cancer cells in me because a PET scan can only pick up small tumors but cancer cells themselves are too small.  That is why we do the chemo and continue with follow ups.

My treatment is going to be a little different with the new oncologist.  I will no longer take pills for 14 days.  My schedule goes something like this:

-          Go in on a Tuesday and have chemo for 6 – 7 hours – OMG!  That is a long time.

-          When I leave I will have a pump that will be connected to my port (Pixie the Port) for 46 hours.   – Now this is where things get troublesome.  I will have to keep the pump in a fanny pack!  Aaahhh!  Did you hear me?  A FANNY PACK! I can’t wear a fanny pack.  I can’t.  I just can’t.  I’m going to have to find some other alternative.  A diva does NOT wear a fanny pack. 

-          I will go back in to the office on a Thursday and turn in the pump and they will de-access my port.

-          I will have a week and a half before I start over.  I will get chemo every 2 weeks.

I’m having a hard time with the pump part – mostly because of the fanny pack.  Does anyone own a bedazzler?  The upside to doing the pump as opposed to the pills for 14 days is that the side effects should be much milder.  The doctor said that he finds the pills are more toxic.  I think this will be a good thing for me.  I’m ready to get going.  I am supposed to start my chemo this coming Tuesday, the 25^th.

I had to go to chemo class before I start chemo.  I thought that it would be a little annoying that they couldn’t just do it when I came for my appointment.  But, when I came to the class it was really good.  We each got a binder that had tabs to easily find questions.  They walked us through random information about chemo and cancer and then talked about the side effects of chemo.  The number 1 side effect of chemo is fatigue.  Fatigue…. I am already completely worn out.  I yawn at 10:25 in the morning.  What is it going to be like when I’m going through chemo?  Oh, goodness.  I forgot to mention, I’m supposed to avoid hair dyes.  What?!  I love to color my hair.  My hair appointments are like therapy for me.  How am I not going to color my hair for 6 months? 6 months!  Carie!  Help!  Honestly, I heard the words “Will I get in trouble if I color my hair?” come out of my mouth.  I’m just being honest.  The lady said my hair might turn out a different color than intended.  That’s all?  Purple hair, here I come!

That really was my entire day.  Consult, Chick-fil-A, fun time at La-tee-da, and then back to Gainsville for my chemo class.  Whew!  I am so tired.  It was a full day for me.  I got my Chick-fil-A sandwich with extra pickles today.  It was awesome.  I would love some ice cream.  I think I’m gonna go get some out of the fridge.  My song of the day is Kutless and “What Faith Can Do”.  Sherry and I were listening to this in the car.  I really like that song.  “Impossible is not a word”  My neighbor/fellow cancer fighter/close friend has proven that statement.  He’s still in serious condition.  We have to realize there is something bigger than us and even doctors.  Faith is a powerful thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7elxC8LXfzE

Tomorrow I plan to work some and take it easy.  Hopefully Todd and I can head to Alabama tomorrow night.  We’re playing it by ear.  Night y’all!