8/3/11 – I guess it is time for a slightly serious/informative blog.
Several people have asked me if I am going to stop blogging now that my treatment is finished. No. I have realized that I still have a lot to talk about even though treatment is finished and I really enjoy blogging. I plan to continue my “Shea’s So Full of It” blog until I have my port removed in December. (I consider that the real end of my treatment.) After that, I may start another blog or my just continue my original one. Either way I am definitely not done.
You would think that being finished with chemo would be great, but it’s harder than you would expect. Yes, there are still residual affects of the chemo in my body but just mentally it is hard. In my head I know that being finished should be easy. I should be able to go right back to where I was pre-cancer. It’s not that easy.
I find myself wanting to go back and have more treatment. Not because I enjoyed it so much but because then I was doing something to prevent the cancer. It’s odd to just stop. What is keeping the cancer from coming back now? Don’t I need more? I know I’ve probably already shared this struggle with you, but it really is hard. It is something that affects me on a day to day basis.
I don’t think I realized how much knowing I had cancer affected me while I was going through recovering from the surgery and going through chemo. I blocked a lot out to protect myself. Once the treatment was over the gravity of it all hit me. Now I’m a little more freaked out by it and that contributes to my anxiety about it being over and not having to go see a doctor every other week. I believe I thought my going to see the doctor and going through chemo would keep the cancer away. Now, I just don’t know what to do. It seems like all I can do is wait.
To add to my paranoia I am having my colonoscopy next week. I have to drink the same stuff that sent me to the ER a week or so before my diagnosis and surgery. I also heard back from the dermatologist yesterday. I hate it when doctors' offices call and leave a message for you to call them back. Those two things bring back memories of all that I went through.
The phone call freaked me out a bit because you never really know if it’s going to be good news or bad news. I learned that the hard way. When I called back I learned that the spot on my leg that they biopsied was moderately abnormal. Basically that means that it might be a precancerous area. I’m supposed to go back in 2 months for them to check the area for repigmentation.
I'm not going to lie, the phone call and the idea of even slightly having precancerous cells in my body freaks me out. I just went through chemo so that word carries a lot of weight. I'm sure they were just telling me the facts that I needed to know and it is really no big deal, but the sheer word scares me. What I have been through has been a learning experience and I feel that I've gotten more good than bad out of it, but the thought of having to do it again doesn't appeal to me. I'm not worrying about the moderately abnormal diagnosis because I don't think it is something I really need to worry about. It is probably nothing and if it were actually serious they would want me to come in immediately. Just sharing my thoughts.
I know I don't really have too many heavy blogs anymore (which is a good thing) but I did want all of you to know what I'm still going through. If you're wondering, my fingers are still numb. Hopefully it will start to go away soon but lately it has only gotten worse. I was told that it would get worse before it got better so I'm not worried there either, just annoyed.
If I could have anything to eat I would like a turkey wrap from Jason's Deli. My song of the day is "Something to Believe In" by Parachute.
Night!
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