5/21/11 – Finally Saturday.
Saturday’s don’t hold as much promise as they used to. Saturday’s are just another day of the chemo week for me. Not a bad day, but not as relaxing as they used to be.
My chemo effects have definitely lasted longer this time. It is Saturday and I’m still feeling gross. It’s easy to get discouraged, but I have to remember I only have to do this 4 more times. See, the problem with that is that I have to do it 4 more times. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s hard. Catch 22. I just have to power through.
Best not to focus on the negative, yesterday I had a breakthrough. I decided to drink some Dr. Pepper to make me feel better. Sugar! Sugar is the key to happiness. Ice cream, cake, Coke, cookies all make you feel better because they all have sugar in them. I added a little ice to my drink just out of curiosity. The chemo makes me cold sensitive and if I drink or touch something cold it makes my lips, hands, throat tingle. The cold sensitivity in my throat can be painful because it can feel like drinking shards of glass. I’m not sure why I decided to take this risk, but I did. Insanity maybe? The ice felt numb on my lips but I was fine with the drinking part. This got me to thinking. I might, just might be able to handle a smoothie. My throat gets really scratchy on Thursdays and has spilled over into Fridays too. There is nothing I can do to make it go away so the smoothie felt fabulous, plus it tasted yummy. The smoothie made my day.
I painted my nails and toe nails yesterday. I’m not sure what it is about painting your nails but it always makes me feel prettier. I think there must be something magical in the colors and knowing that you look pretty and have had a little fun.
You know when your nails aren’t done you feel kinda frumpy? Like there could be so much more. You stare at your nails and think – “How did it get to this?” “Is this what I’ve become? Gross nail girl?” There is a whole world or nail colors out there just waiting for you. As soon as you remove that old left on color (don’t act like you don’t leave your old color on, we all do) the grossness and boredom of the day starts to melt away. Somehow our wellbeing is tied directly to this left on gross nail polish – insecurity, weakness, lack of control, poor self perception all improve as soon as the old polish is removed. Once the old polish is off we file our nails to the perfect shape because we all let our nails get out of control. Who has time to shape and file on a regular basis? Quite often my nails resemble talons more than nails. My own crude weapon. Other times each nail has its own distinct length – the result of multiple broken nails. At one time in our lives we have all sported this look - not classy. As soon as the base coat goes on we are saved. Our nails no longer look like some crude weapon. We finally have some control, some class. We immediately feel prettier.
My nails are magenta and my toes are a steel color. The magenta appeals to my fun side and the steel color relates to my sometimes gloomy side. Which am I? Nails? Toe Nails? It all depends on the time of day. Right now I’m magenta with a hint of steel. I like to look at people’s nail colors. You can tell a lot about a person from their nail color.
Well, today I’m sitting at home relaxing watching movies. I still have the shopping bug. I’m definitely not going shopping today but I would like to be able to.
If I could have anything to eat I would like some fruit. Pineapple maybe or a watermelon. My song of the day is “The End” by The Doors. I guess the world is supposed to end at 6:00 Pacific and not Eastern.
Night y’all!
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