6/19/11 – Hello all. If you notice the time you will see that it’s a little late. I just couldn’t fall asleep without touching base. I haven’t blogged the past few days because I wasn’t feeling all that great. I started typing something yesterday but I just wasn’t in a good place – ya know what I mean? Have you ever felt so puny that nothing you say is really positive? You don’t mean to be down but that seems to be all that comes out when you speak? What you really want to say is “I’m ok. It’s hard but I’m making it”, but all that comes out is “This stinks! I feel terrible”? Well, that is where I was yesterday, and let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. I decided to leave all my negativity out in the real world and not in my blog. Sorry Todd. Y’all don’t want to read that stuff, we all have enough going on as it is.
So today I’m feeling more upbeat and slowly getting back to normal-ish. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were rough. I spent most of the days in bed. I set up chemo headquarters in our guest bedroom. It seemed like the best place since the TV with the DVR is now in that room and I had recorded a few things, and the fact that I was sitting in a bed all day made random snooze-fests highly advantageous. I know I have mentioned it time and time again but the main things that I deal with during chemo weak are nausea and weakness. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the weakness. The nausea I have come to accept as just part of the process. The weakness, however, makes the whole chemo deal real. When you’re watching TV and you see someone who has cancer they look horrible and they can’t get to their bed without help from someone else. No, I can walk around on my own and I like to think that I look somewhat presentable (possible delusion on my part), but I stumble over my own feet a lot and I have to have help going up and down stairs. TMI, but the shower is a big deal for me. Something about the hot water makes me very dizzy and disoriented. This is just a slice of the pie, yeah….the weakness is the hardest part.
I think I mentioned earlier that I got a new prescription for my nausea. I originally had 3 medications, 1 of which sort of worked. I am amazed at how easily I can get prescriptions now days (if my United Health Care case worker or my counselor is reading this I would like to qualify this statement by saying that I am using all medications as prescribed and solely to benefit my health during chemo weeks). It’s somewhat scary. When I went into the oncologists the other day I simply said “Is there anything stronger than Ativan I can take for nausea?” Bam! Prescription in my hand. Thank goodness I wasn’t voted “most likely to become a street pharmacist” in high school.
Speaking of prescriptions, do you ever wonder what the pharmacist thinks of you when you pick up your prescription? I do. I wonder if they try to diagnose what is wrong with each person based on their meds. And then what if the spouse picks up the med? Is the person ashamed to pick up the medication all on their own? Goodness knows I’m not afraid to ask anyone anything after being diagnosed with colon cancer. You get really comfortable talking with complete strangers about the most intimate things. “Hello Mr. Pharmacist. My GI doctor wants me to use an enema but I can’t find the right kind. Can you help me?” Um, yes, that is an actual conversation I had with my pharmacist. Creepy. God only knows what they have self-diagnosed me with! “Let’s see…she was looking for an enema, gets birth control, pain meds, and a lot of anti-nausea meds…wait, wait, one of the anti-nausea meds can also be used as crazy pills. Who knows what’s wrong with her, she’s just screwed up.” Ain’t that right!
I am happy to say that today I am feeling much better. Still feeling the weakness effects but slowly returning to normal. Todd and I went to church today and then just took it easy. I enjoyed a day that was just us. Church was a little difficult but nothing I couldn’t manage. Luckily I sit next to another cancer fighter (Sherry!) and she and I try to build each other up through our weakness – we have a sitting pact. Standing the whole time during a service is hard, especially if you like to sing along. Breathing is a little difficult, the big screen gets fuzzy, you start to get hot, and then dizzy – dizzy is never a good sign. You can see why having an ally is a good thing – someone else to realizes the importance of sitting while singing, knows what you’re going through, and is there is catch you if you fall. Always important to have a church buddy – kind of like crossing the street when you’re a kid, best not to do it alone.
Anyways, now that I’ve talked you ear off I think I will sign off for the night. I promise to blog more this week and catch all of you up on what you might have missed in my blogging absence, but to be honest, I think I pretty much covered it – anti-nausea drugs and sleep, pretty much my week. If I could have anything to eat I would like something to drink. I’m really thirsty and water still tastes gross. My song of the day is something we sang at church today. It really meant a lot to me and the words are very powerful. Hope you like it – Hillsong “From the Inside Out”. I love the part where it says “Your light will shine when all else fades” because sometimes during my chemo week I feel faded (physically and mentally) but it is awesome to know that even though I’m drained God isn’t and He can still work through us when we are weak. Our weakness shows His strength. Sermon over.
Hugs! Night y’all.
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